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MatthewFarlow
01-08-2011, 02:41 AM
This is my first time writing in Second Person. It's been something that I have always wanted to do. There is certainly more to come, but I wanted some pointers before I wrote the next portion, so I ended it as a cliff hanger. :eek: Please forgive me!

Red, White, but Blue
by Matthew Farlow

Dust fills your lungs as you scamper along the dirt road. Your feet are only permitted one particular and repeated cadence. You turn your head back quickly and stumble but recover just as soon as you turn your head back around. No one is after you. But you keep the specific cadence repeating, regardless of what your senses detect.

You look down at your dirty, aching feet - With every stride, you are blinded by the chain that binds them. They reflect the hot, white sun into your cool, white eyes. It stings. It is at this time that you turn your neck to look back once more and then slow your pace to a strong march. Eyes forward, you press your tongue to the roof of your mouth and it’s stuck it’s so dry. You’re sweating. You’re sweltering. You turn left.

It’s another dirt road, but at least this one offers shade. There is a row of apple trees on the right side and you contemplate picking one to repel your thirst. You know that it would only offer a temporary solution; such a sweet fruit will only make a body thirsty. A smooth scent snakes it’s way to you.

It is a warm, earthy scent that makes you think of horses. It is horses. Horses and the hay they eat. So you follow the smell looking for something that comes with horses. It draws you off of the road, left, away from those apple trees, back into that heat. You push your way through a wall of tall grasses, following your nose to the promising smell. You step in a pile of warm mud, but it doesn’t phase you because you find a sign of what you are looking for – a horse.

The horse is coping with the heat by staying near the waterer. You look at the black reflection in the contents and head over to it. You get on your knees and place your hands on the rim. “Water,” you whisper in a hoarse voice. It’s the first thing you’ve said in the story so far and it is pathetic. You begin to drink.

The beast indicates its nearby presence or perhaps its disappointment in you and your being there with a ‘snort’ in its horse voice. You don’t quit drinking on account of this, as you know you should, until your peripheral vision is disturbed. The animal is quietly drinking from the opposite end of the trough. You pause for a moment and look this horse up and down. It is definitely a stallion you conclude. Definitely.

You look him in the eye and then go back to your drink. He snorts again and you look up. Must be some kind of narcissistic horse. It is in the reflection in his big, black eye that you see the moving dust cloud in the distance. You look behind you through the grasses.

It’s a guard’s car.

Jack of Hearts
01-08-2011, 03:59 AM
Sultan,

Things that worked- the setting (backwoods country road?) and the heat. The premise of an escaped convict, it seems. Your reader is reminded of the movie 'O Brother, Where Art Thou?' (a very good thing, a very good movie). The sequencing with the apples and the horse are interesting and, though they need fleshing out, show great potential for future edits. Also, is the punditry intended? The horse's horse voice versus the protagonist's hoarse voice when he's near the hoarse horse.

What didn't:

The narrative style. It broke immersion, which is ironic because immersion is probably the main intent behind it. The use of 'you' like a choose-your-own-adventure novel is enormously distracting- if it really were your reader, your reader would at least seem to have the option of choice in their actions. And so when you narrate a decision in that perspective, such as turning left, there are thoughts such as 'I do?' or 'Why do I?' or in my case 'No I don't!'. It all becomes rather detached. This style is not so fortunate to have the grace of a clean exposition, one supposes. This reader has never seen it done well. He is unsure of how much he could stand to read like this and is unhappy that it mucks up the other fine elements of your work. A nice experiment, but perhaps either it is not the way to go or more meditation about the method is in order.


J

hillwalker
01-08-2011, 08:49 AM
The use of second-person narrative worked quite well for me - but it took time to establish the narrator’s credentials. I did have a degree of empathy for the escapee – which is presumably why one would choose to write in this style - but was never convinced I had the correct picture in my head.

I couldn't help but also be reminded of the Coens’ film – when perhaps a little more background might have fleshed out the character and placed him more squarely in the story.

There were a couple of things that stood out for the wrong reasons :

you are blinded by the chain that binds them

was a difficult concept to imagine - I can guess what you are alluding to, but the mechanics as you present them are suspect

and

but it doesn’t phase you because you found a sign of what you were looking for

gave me quite a jerk with the change to past tense (a blip no doubt, but distracting).

It reads more like the opening to a longer piece than as a stand-alone story but it’s very promising. I’m wondering how I'm going to get on the horse’s back with these shackles on my feet….. but as the writer you will no doubt find a solution

H

MatthewFarlow
01-08-2011, 11:18 AM
H and J: Thanks a million!

As for H:
The second one is easy to fix - change found to find.

But the first one, I don't know what to do with. Do I just rework the order as Microsoft Word has instructed me in doing?

the chain that binds them blinds you
Or do I need to reword it entirely? All I know is that it needs something. I don't believe it is a detail that I can obviate altogether, for it gives both information regarding the chain on your feet and information of the sun and and therefore the setting.

I certainly like that you are making guesses.

Regarding J:
I understand what you're saying. You have to convince the reader that the method they choose is the logical one. This is near impossible - I found that out. Even with all the pros in one direction and all the cons in the other, one reader would still heed Frost's advice and take the one less traveled by. Therefore, I fail with that reader. When reading second person, you have to accept that you are not in control. I compare it to a dream, and that's how I get over it.

In any case, this is my experimental piece so there will be more twists to come. Ones that I haven't had the courage to (potentially) ruin my other stories with.

Thank you both.

sweety
01-08-2011, 12:07 PM
I found it strange at first, but as I read on I could see its potential.

S

hillwalker
01-08-2011, 01:48 PM
I was querying how the chains on my feet could blind me as a matter of fact - when it was more likely to be a combination of the heat reflected from the road and the tears running off my brow....
and yet your altered line has a certain lyrical ring to it!

h

MatthewFarlow
01-08-2011, 02:56 PM
This is true. But it is the sun blinding you via the chains reflection. Brow sweat's pretty good too.

Jack of Hearts
01-08-2011, 07:39 PM
As a response to your response:

It seems to be more of a contention with the form itself than with your work therein. Your reader wishes he had made that more clear in his first response. But nevermind; hillwalker's was a far superior critique, so its better to heed that one. In retrospect, this reader's critique was a bit too discouraging so apologies for that (still learning how give good feedback). However distracting he found the form, this reader still managed to enjoy the bits of your artistry therein.


J

Steven Hunley
01-09-2011, 03:58 AM
How about."the same chain that binds them blinds you."? I liked this a lot.
The pace was good and the imagery something out of Cool Hand Luke.