Derwind
01-07-2011, 02:20 PM
Hi everyone, I'm new to the short story writing scene, so I hope maybe I can get some constructive critiquing of my piece right now but don't be too hard on me please. I'm not exactly sure if this story has already been done, this came straight from my own noggin. I know my writing is horrible, so I'd be very grateful if people could point out any of my amateurish mistakes, I want to improve this fun hobby/passion of mine. Hopefully you will all like it. :p
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Locket of Strange Beginnings
Part 1:
"JACOB!"
A mammoth-like roar bellows from behind a large, intricately designed oak door.
The man being hollered at, was Jacob Boyle; He was a small, thin, near-sighted and timid man. His hair was thinning and he wore fleecy, wool suits that looked as if they were two sizes too big for him. He rarely sticks up for himself and at times can be quite the pushover. He seems always content at taking orders but never giving them. However, things were not always this way.
"Y...yes, sir", Jacob squeaks.
Just then a tall, balding, heavy set man stormed through the doors into a publishing office. He was wearing a black corduroy suit, with black vest underneath and a white bow-tie. His metal cufflings were shaped like a bull's horns. The man's name was Gerald Fitzroy, he runs the financial department of this building, nothing gets done without going by him first and you wouldn't really call him a patient man.
"WHY IS MY COFFEE COLD?! I ASKED FOR COFFEE TO BE ON MY DESK, NOT ICE WATER!", Fitzroy screamed.
"Sir, it's exactly 160 degree's Fahrenheit, just like you asked at Five....", Jacob exclaims. He quickly looks down at his watch, 'Oh my dear heavens, what have I done?', he thought, 'I forgot to set my clock back to end daylights saving time'.
"I'm sorry sir, my mistake, it won't happen again", said Jacob, with a little guilt in his voice.
"ALL I ASK, IS FOR SOME DAMN HOT COFFEE ONCE IN A WHILE, IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK? WELL IS IT?!", Fitzroy roared.
"N..n..no, sir", said Jacob, "I just forget to set my...".
"WHAT ARE YOU STILL STANDING AROUND FOR, GET OUT!!! YOU'RE FIRED!", Fitzroy screamed with bulging red eyes like an angry bull about to trample its victim.
"b..bu..", stammered Jacob.
"GET OUT!"
Part 2:
Many days had passed by Jacob without him noticing; He was jobless, depressed and only had his pet Simbad the cat to keep him company. Lately all he could think about seemed to be his mortality, how short his time was and how much he wasted that time doing nothing of particular value. He would often reminisce about his youth and how carefree his lifestyle was. Numerous fond memories of his dear Elanore would crop up and thoughts of being with her again, though he quickly shunned the ideas from his mind by telling himself that "She would barely remember after all these years" and "She's probably married by now".
This one night however he was particularly disturbed by these thoughts, he awoke from the middle of his slumber and went out for a walk to clear his head of all this grief.
When he finally got outside he realized how vast his town of Durham, BC was, he never attempted to take a stroll for years since he lived there, he just never had the free time.
“Which way should I go?”, thought Jacob.
He started walking up a hiking trail where he traveled when he was younger. Images of Elanore kept cropping up in his head as he meandered down the beaten path. He remembered the walks they used to take when they were in junior high, all the conversations they used to have.
“Jake, wait for me.”, screamed Elanore.
Voices of Jacobs past were looming through the dim lit forest.
“You chicken?”, Jacob teased.
“Don't call me that, you, you....”, cried Elanore boiling up with tears.
“I'm sorry, I was only teasing, I didn't mean to upset you.”, Jacob exclaimed.
“Well, its too late for that now”, screamed Elanore, “just get me out of this forest!”
“I'm sorry”
The voices started to fade away into the distance as the howling of the wind grew louder. He walked on in silence for the next half hour until he spotted a cliff. Upset and alone, he started to amuse the idea of ending it all there. No one would care, he probably would only get a passing mention in the newspaper. No one cared about him, he had no close relatives, no job, no wife or kids and most of all nothing worth living for.
The moment he was about to jump he was quickly distracted by an odd low wailing, an demonic noise which neither sounded like a male or females voice, in fact it didn't even sound like anything he had ever heard before in his life. It sounded very mechanical and eerie.
To be continued with a PART 3, 4 and hopefully 5
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Locket of Strange Beginnings
Part 1:
"JACOB!"
A mammoth-like roar bellows from behind a large, intricately designed oak door.
The man being hollered at, was Jacob Boyle; He was a small, thin, near-sighted and timid man. His hair was thinning and he wore fleecy, wool suits that looked as if they were two sizes too big for him. He rarely sticks up for himself and at times can be quite the pushover. He seems always content at taking orders but never giving them. However, things were not always this way.
"Y...yes, sir", Jacob squeaks.
Just then a tall, balding, heavy set man stormed through the doors into a publishing office. He was wearing a black corduroy suit, with black vest underneath and a white bow-tie. His metal cufflings were shaped like a bull's horns. The man's name was Gerald Fitzroy, he runs the financial department of this building, nothing gets done without going by him first and you wouldn't really call him a patient man.
"WHY IS MY COFFEE COLD?! I ASKED FOR COFFEE TO BE ON MY DESK, NOT ICE WATER!", Fitzroy screamed.
"Sir, it's exactly 160 degree's Fahrenheit, just like you asked at Five....", Jacob exclaims. He quickly looks down at his watch, 'Oh my dear heavens, what have I done?', he thought, 'I forgot to set my clock back to end daylights saving time'.
"I'm sorry sir, my mistake, it won't happen again", said Jacob, with a little guilt in his voice.
"ALL I ASK, IS FOR SOME DAMN HOT COFFEE ONCE IN A WHILE, IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK? WELL IS IT?!", Fitzroy roared.
"N..n..no, sir", said Jacob, "I just forget to set my...".
"WHAT ARE YOU STILL STANDING AROUND FOR, GET OUT!!! YOU'RE FIRED!", Fitzroy screamed with bulging red eyes like an angry bull about to trample its victim.
"b..bu..", stammered Jacob.
"GET OUT!"
Part 2:
Many days had passed by Jacob without him noticing; He was jobless, depressed and only had his pet Simbad the cat to keep him company. Lately all he could think about seemed to be his mortality, how short his time was and how much he wasted that time doing nothing of particular value. He would often reminisce about his youth and how carefree his lifestyle was. Numerous fond memories of his dear Elanore would crop up and thoughts of being with her again, though he quickly shunned the ideas from his mind by telling himself that "She would barely remember after all these years" and "She's probably married by now".
This one night however he was particularly disturbed by these thoughts, he awoke from the middle of his slumber and went out for a walk to clear his head of all this grief.
When he finally got outside he realized how vast his town of Durham, BC was, he never attempted to take a stroll for years since he lived there, he just never had the free time.
“Which way should I go?”, thought Jacob.
He started walking up a hiking trail where he traveled when he was younger. Images of Elanore kept cropping up in his head as he meandered down the beaten path. He remembered the walks they used to take when they were in junior high, all the conversations they used to have.
“Jake, wait for me.”, screamed Elanore.
Voices of Jacobs past were looming through the dim lit forest.
“You chicken?”, Jacob teased.
“Don't call me that, you, you....”, cried Elanore boiling up with tears.
“I'm sorry, I was only teasing, I didn't mean to upset you.”, Jacob exclaimed.
“Well, its too late for that now”, screamed Elanore, “just get me out of this forest!”
“I'm sorry”
The voices started to fade away into the distance as the howling of the wind grew louder. He walked on in silence for the next half hour until he spotted a cliff. Upset and alone, he started to amuse the idea of ending it all there. No one would care, he probably would only get a passing mention in the newspaper. No one cared about him, he had no close relatives, no job, no wife or kids and most of all nothing worth living for.
The moment he was about to jump he was quickly distracted by an odd low wailing, an demonic noise which neither sounded like a male or females voice, in fact it didn't even sound like anything he had ever heard before in his life. It sounded very mechanical and eerie.
To be continued with a PART 3, 4 and hopefully 5