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grinchy_monsta
01-06-2011, 06:58 AM
Tap.Tap.Tap.
The black crow's beak loud and smooth on the cold frosted glass made of ice. The walls and floor smooth and velvet like. But again, ice. The air thick and musky but cold and clean.
The girl with long blonde locks and eyes as fierce as the dragon within. Her skin tender from sitting in the cold for so long because she only wore a thin cotton shirt and torn jeans. The only other signs of cold that could be seen from a distance, was her blue frosted lips.
Her hands bound behind her back but she still held her dignity and pride from the cold heartles stare of the woman in white, Stacey's kidnapper, Heart Icemund. Her smile so cold it would crack heated glass. Her stare so heartless and cruel it bore holes in the girl in front of her.The girl being Stacey Richards.The last Dragon.
Many of Stacey's family had been killed off. Most of it had been to get rid of the threatening race entirely. It was only threataning because most of her family would be best choice for the throne.
Stacey await their in the cold for her best friend Marley Moore was on her way.
Marley was like the protective older sister that Stacey never had.
Marley may have possesed immortality but she was more loyal to Stacey than a guide dog was to a blind person.
She held the key to Stacey's freedom, she knew the healer that Heart longed to get a hold of so she could finally get out of death's grip. Heart was afraid of dying so she knew she had to do something and kidnapping stacey in exchange for Marley's miserable unfaithful aunt was the best option she could think of. Marley had been set free to collect the healer but she only had a certain amount of time, 24 hours to be exact.Stacey trusted Marley with her life, but not knowing if she could make it in time made Stacey sweat within the cold.
"Your friend's taking her time" Heart was seated in front of Stacey with two guards at her side. The guards seemed like decoration in the white room of ice.
Stacey scowled under the cold gaze of Hearts crystal blue eyes, trying to keep calm but she couldnt help but speak with sourness, "she'll be here and when she is, she'll kill you and your little men" Stacey gestured to the guards who seemed to have distant look in their eyes as black as death itself.
Heart cackled like the which she was. Her laugh bouncing off the cold walls like rubber. "You have quite a bit of faith in your vampire friend" she replied, her words like the ice beneath Stacey's worn out dock martins.
"At least i have a friend to have faith in" Stacey replied evenly.
Again Heart cackled, "You amuse me too much child. maybe I should keep you instead of your friend" Heart smiled her cold smile like she had just told a joke.
Stacey's deep blue eyes widened, "You said that if Marley could bring back Joanne the healer you'd take her and set us free!" exclaimed Stacey leaning towards the evil woman.
Heart kept the smile as she replied "well, I lied. you two should have known better than to trust a witch" she replied with that smug cold tone of hers.
This made Stacey scowl even more. Being her captive was bad enough, but having to endure this aswell was just all too much. The onlye reason for Stacey's calmness was because Stacey knew this would be over once Joanne stepped through that arched door in less than and hour. The clock was ticking but all Stacey could do was trust in Marley.
'C'mon Marley ,where are you?' Stacey's thoughts were filled with worry and concern for her friend.
Heart's face now showed signs of worry also. 'was i right ot let her go by herself? should i have sent a guard with her? no, she wouldn't try anything, not with her friends life on the line' she though. standing, Heart started pacing.
"getting worried are we?" asked Stacey a little calmer than she had been before.
Heart gave her the best cold glare she could, "You shut you mouth. your in no position to speak to me like that" she hissed coming in close to Stacey. Stacey opened her mouth about to say something but then closed it, deciding it would get her no where. killed even. And the whole point of this was to make sure she wasn't. Being the last of her kind and all.

hillwalker
01-06-2011, 09:51 AM
Some of this is promising. The way you begin the story, creating a chilly atmosphere, and the way you introduce the heroine makes us want to read more.

A few things you might want to reconsider :

1) there are rather too many references to ice at the start - repeating something doesn't make it more real or more vivid, it just gets a bit boring after 3 or 4 readings

2) Her skin tender and hard - can it be both?

3) But she showed no other signs of the cold - doesn't make sense because up to now she hasn't shown any signs of the cold.

Then it gets a little too rushed and complicated - suddenly introducing the characters' names and themes of immortality and vampires etc.
I think you need to trim down some of the opening - tighten it up - but also you must expand the second half to avoid it looking like a race to get finished.

Also - please break this into separate paragraphs (like my crit) - it makes it easier to read. And you should normally begin a fresh paragraph for each person's dialogue anyway so the reader can keep track of who is talking.

Good luck

H

grinchy_monsta
01-09-2011, 09:48 AM
Hey H,

Thank you so much for the feed back this will help me with future story writing i will keep those things in mind and try to make the next bit of The Girl Within The Heart Of Spades even better thanks to your advice!! this really helps with writing and i appreaciate and learn from what you've said :)

again many thanks!

G_G.