Wish

[kittypaws]

You wished me away.

We are strong and dependent;
Yet flowing in a natural cycle ~
seeking balance.

Open never closed.
Equal and yet opposites;
Supreme joy reins.

Rooted together, created as one
In a single movement.
One and one equal one.

Yin and yang.
Two aspects of a single reality.
I gave my yin.

You wished me away.

kittypaws....

Amanda Curtis


Background...my lover of over two years left very abruptly...withou a reason...said it would be the best for both of us. I know he was my soul mate...hence, my poem.

please feel free to give me advice on it as it has been difficult for me to write.

kitty

[hillwalker]

This has obviously been difficult for you to put into words, especially if the wound is still raw (not sure of the timeframe involved).

But one assumes you have reached a point where you can look at the situation and share your feelings with us.
So I'm not going to offer you a shoulder to cry on since there are plenty more sites that do that better than I could. Instead I'm going to be my usual super-critical self....

First of all I don't quite understand what the first 2 verses are meant to be about. Are you actually trying to say you were both strong-willed and independent? - hence the split? Or were you strong when a couple - and inter-dependent??? Using the word 'are' suggests this is ongoing, so I'm baffled.

Also, I'm sorry to say - there was too much meaningless psycho-babble in the rest of those two verses for the message to engage the reader. It reminded me of a horoscope or a fortune cookie.

Verses 3 and 4 are so much better - and make more sense given the context. I still think they can be tightened - the cliche 'one and one equal one' is rather a tired one. And why did you need to define yin and yang - two aspects of a single reality? Were you assuming the reader wouldn't know this beforehand?

But they do have potential - and the ending (last 2 lines) was by far the best part. Perhaps you need to start there and work back.....

Best wishes

H

[farnoosh]

I agree with hillwalker the first 2 verses are not very understandable but i love the last verse it meant alot to me personal! good job!

[kittypaws]

H ~ thank you.


Always be your super-critical self....not a thing wrong with that.

I think there are still too many emotions running wild through not only my mind but my soul....I'll rework it soon.

Best to you

kittypaws

[PrinceMyshkin]

It does feel as if the poem was written much too soon after the abrupt, unexpected split, because I for one am confused whether this was written as if from within the situation or looking back on it. And "wished me away" is a curiously gentle expression for what otherwise feels as if it must have been much harsher than a "wish."