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Xay
01-05-2011, 11:17 PM
Nothing to be said here; Please comment, with praise or insults :D


Temple

I ran into the darkness. The darkness of the temple; I didn’t want to talk to my family; I just wanted to know what was happening to us. But as soon as I ran under the temple’s opening, I knew I had made a mistake. The light from the outside world I once had, was gone, accompanied by a loud smash. I slowed; in complete darkness. As I fumbled around in the darkness, I realized how cold I was. It was as if I was submerged in ice, my clothing doing nothing to warm me. I could feel smooth walls to both of my sides, so I figured I was in a hallway. I started walking forward, still chilled deep below my skin.

I walked for a long time. It felt like days; it could have been days. But I kept walking. I tried running once; to fight off the cold. But that just seemed to make me exhausted. And so I trudged on, desperately searching for anything.

As I was walking, my hand came in contact with something in front of me. It wasn’t like the walls, it was slanted upwards. My eyes wandered up, and I could see light at the top of this ramp. But as I studied the light, I had doubts about going towards it. The light was glowing ominously with a silver hue. Eventually my cold won over my mind, and I began my ascent.

It took me many tries to make it to the top, sliding down time and time again. I learned that I could push against the walls to my sides, and shamble upwards this way. Finally I reached the top, and learned the source of the light. It was a candle, hanging from the ceiling, endlessly burning with a white flame. The candles were stretched out down the hallway as far as I could see. I figured as much from this place…

As I walked down the hallway, I began seeing faint inscriptions on the walls. At first they were barely visible and crude, seemingly just scratches. But as I continued down the hallway, they became increasingly detailed and easy to see. They showed scenes of horrific acts. Murder, genocide, torture, and things only the most insane human could carve onto these walls. I tried to stop walking; to look away at the drawings, but I found myself unable to stop, and when I looked away the images would flash into my head, making it even more horrible.

Soon the art became so macabre that I fell to my knees, only able to crawl forward. Image after gruesome image was flashed into my head. The flames above me were dancing now, the candles flailing about as if in a hurricane. I finally couldn’t take it anymore; I threw my head against the wall, hoping that the images would stop. I was consumed by darkness.

I woke up in a dome shaped room, plated with gold. The same candles from before lined the ceiling and the walls. There was a tall figure standing at a podium in the middle of the room, seemingly waiting for me to awake. I assumed he was a male, as he was tall with broad shoulders. The few moments after I opened my eyes, I saw his head turn towards me. In an instant he was in front of me, looking concerned. “My my...” his voice boomed throughout the room, making my ears ring. “It seems you need some help…yes?” he looked concerned. Before I could muster a response, he picked me up in one hand and dashed towards the podium. “I will let you go, once you do me a favor…” he waited for a response. “O- of c-c-course.” I was still shivering from the cold. “Excellent” he hissed, a wide grin spreading on his face. His hands reached into the podium, pulling out a sharp needle. “I’m sure you remember my artwork…” he spoke slowly, drawing out every syllable. Before I could answer, he screamed “Yell when your done” and with that, I was thrust back into the hallway, in front of a blank spot on the wall.

I tried not to start, I really did. But something compelled me otherwise. I slowly carved my family getting murdered by foul and hideous beasts. Slowly, resisting every cut into the wall. I began to cry, the tears burning my face, crying until I finished the expression of death onto my own mothers face. I stood up against my will, and stared at my masterpiece. But as I stared, I noticed that I could see myself running into the temple, behind me my family being slaughtered. I let out an awful wail, and was instantly back in the dome room with this abomination.

I looked at the podium; the beast had two chains around his wrists, with candles dangling from both. He was in front of me now. “I thank you, I don’t get very many visitors anymore” He said it with a hint of sorrow, and looked down at his candles. When he looked back at me, I was outside. I was where the temple should have been, but it was gone now. Not too far from me, I could see two bloody pulps lying on the grass.

hillwalker
01-06-2011, 09:39 AM
This took some getting into because it doesn't start particularly well.

Why did you decide to split the opening sentence in half and repeat 'darkness' at the start of the second short fragment? It doesn't really add the atmospheric element you were no doubt aiming for because it comes too early in the story.

Then you introduce your family

I didn’t want to talk to my family; I just wanted to know what was happening to us.

but don't refer to them again until much later in the story when you start carving images of their murder (?) So we're not even slightly curious as to where they fit in to the story because it appears like just a random thought that came into your head then vanished again. Pointless as far as the plot is concerned.

Then we are stuck with you as you fumble about in the dark -

I walked for a long time. It felt like days; it could have been days. But I kept walking. I tried running once; to fight off the cold. But that just seemed to make me exhausted. And so I trudged on, desperately searching for anything.

All this happened in total darkness? Hardly believeable. It's like watching one of those cheap horror films where most of the action takes place in the dark so you can't see a thing. The reader here is unable to envisage where you are or why you are there because all you are doing is supplying a few overwritten statements of what a dreadful place you're in.
No explanation. No emotional tension or excitement. Just a lot of fuss about very little.

You would be better trying to tone down the drama - it is cranked up to such a pitch that the reader knows it must be pure fantasy so there's no suspense - and instead try to concentrate more on a decent plot and a setting we can get to grips with.

Suspense only works if you can convince the reader this could actually be happening. Unfortunately this is not the case here because it's more like a video game than a story - and in the end I was glad to press the Escape button.

H