Silence

[Hawkman]

No heartbeat, not a sigh of breath,
no creaking bones or footstep’s tread
to stir the memory of a vanished face,
whose owner filled that void in space.
My ears won’t hear their voice again,
above refrains of cars and trains,
the raucous shouts of vibrant life,
of conflict, argument and strife;
but through this tapestry of sound
that thread of silence is profound.

[hillwalker]

A touching memoriam - especially the closing couplet. Very poignant, Hawk.

H

[AuntShecky]

With the final loss of a loved one, we can look at photos --or even-- if we're lucky--listen to videotapes, home movies, and audio recordings made when the person was still with us. (For instance, I know someone who has kept the last answering machine messages from the person.) Yet even these tangible things aren't really enough, as we try to clutch the memory and keep it from fading, like pictures in an old album.

Trying to recall the person's voice is particularly poignant, with the awareness that we'll never hear it alive and spontaneous again-- and this is the phenomenon that your poem captures so beautifully.

[Bar22do]

"... that thread of silence, so profound"

concludes your poem beautifully; you mourn the absence in what it's, as Auntie says, the hardest, if at all possible, to retain, to recall.

I'm not keen on "whose owner" though I can't provide a replacement, perhaps you can give it your attention.
But it's a deeply touching poem, oh Hawk.

Best, Bar

[Hawkman]

Thanks hill, I'm happy that it works for you. I have made a tiny edit which I think improves it.

Hi Auntie, Thanks for reading and commenting. I had at the back of my mind the famous poem by Tennyson, Break, Break, Break.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/poetryseason/poems/break_break_break.shtml

Not so much for any attempt at parrody, or immitation, but in the sentiment the poem expressed. In particular,

"But oh for the touch of a vanished hand,
and the sound of a voice that is still!"

We are conscious of the absence of those we have lost by the empty spaces they leave in our lives, and in the silences they filled. I'm glad you feel the poem works to portray this.

Sweet Bar, I know what you mean, I think, but the phrase itself is fitting in context, and I can't think of a better way of putting it. However, You may observe that I have replaced occupied, the word which immediately followed the contentious expression, with filled. By correcting the metre of this line I feel that the expression flows better and is less jarring.

I'm glad you feel that it works overall and that the closing line is so effective.

Thank you all again for reading and commenting. Live long and prosper - H

[blank|verse]

Nicely writ, Hawk, the metre works well to keep the emotions in check in a heartfelt poem.

I thought it read very well. Just a couple of minor issues: I thought the final 'so profound' a bit 'telling'; and there are three 'sounds' (lines 1, 6, 9) which perhaps could be replaced with other words.

Other than that, good stuff.

[Hawkman]

Thanks b/v. Isn't it funny how you can get so wrapped up in an idea when writing that you just don't see the repetitions. I'll give them some thought. It's a bit of a let down when someone points them out though - lol.

Live and be well - H

[PrinceMyshkin]

Sorry I missed this when it was first posted but how lovely, how eloquent in what it says and elegant in the restrained way it says it.

I do see Bar's problem with the "owner" of the voice and as well your dilemma in that our language affords one no other way of putting it.

[Hawkman]

Hi Prince. Thanks for finding this one and appreciating its sentiments. Although the owner was also the possessor of the voice, the line specifically referred to their face. I think there may be alternatives for expressing this, but not within the established metre. Since I altered the following word I feel that it does actually work as written.

Anyway, thanks again for reading.

Best, H