Poems by Me, XRiddleDragonX

[XRiddleDragonX]

If people like it, I might put another up. :smilewinkgrin:

Candlelight

Candle, candle, burning bright
A spark of fire in the night
Candle, candle, don’t go out
If you do, I will doubt

Will the shadows come to claim
My sleeplessness in the rain?
Will the dreams that haunt the night
Come back and give me fright?

Candle, candle, burning bright
Flicker, flicker, some say you might
Candle, candle, please stay lit
For the fear I might be bit

Will the darkness come and see
What the shadows do to me?
Will the owls hoot for joy
When discovered, shadow’s ploy?

Candle, candle, burning bright
Come and chase away my fright
Candle, candle, by my head
When you go out, I shall be dead

[qimissung]

The fear of dark is a primal force in the human psyche. I like your poem and the issues it addrsses, paricularly the last two stanzas.

[XRiddleDragonX]

Thank you, qimissung. :) I have to go now, but comments are appreciated!

[hillwalker]

A touch of William Blake - which can't be bad.

But some of the lines are rather weak because your search for an end rhyme has resulted in an unfortunate choice of expression more often than not:

If you do, I will doubt - doubt what?

My sleeplessness in the rain? - why in the rain? because it rhymes?

Flicker, flicker, some say you might - here the beat trips over itself, and the line doesn't really make much sense

For the fear I might be bit - again, 'bitten' would be more correct, but bit by what?

With the owls hoot for joy/When discovered, shadow’s ploy? - none of this made sense to me. I assume you meant 'will the owls hoot (for joy?? why??) when they discover the shadows' ploy?' - but it's still a bizarre image.

I am being a little harsh - but if you are going to maintain a regular rhyme it's just as important that the poem continues to make sense. Otherwise the reader will assume finding words that rhyme was more important to you than sharing coherent thoughts.

You should never sacrifice clarity of expression for poetical form. It makes the entire exercise pointless. My advice, look for other words that rhyme that allow you to keep writing using normal expressions - and try to tighten up what you were describing. If the poem ends up being shorter - no matter.

H

[PrinceMyshkin]

Once the opening lines start "The Tyger" running in our heads, it's almost impossible to hear anything else even as one reads this.

[Bar22do]

I'm with hill on that, his advice heals your poem!!! best in the new year - from - Bar

[Haunted]

This is a good start, a sing-song poem that almost sounds like a lullaby. But that's exactly where the problem lies. You have some frightful thoughts but the sweet rhymes dulls it. Listen to Hill, don't be concerned with rhymes and never try to make a poem sound like a poem, it's so artificial. Write what's in your heart, not what sounds good to your ear.

[XRiddleDragonX]

A touch of William Blake - which can't be bad.

But some of the lines are rather weak because your search for an end rhyme has resulted in an unfortunate choice of expression more often than not:

If you do, I will doubt - doubt what?

My sleeplessness in the rain? - why in the rain? because it rhymes?

Flicker, flicker, some say you might - here the beat trips over itself, and the line doesn't really make much sense

For the fear I might be bit - again, 'bitten' would be more correct, but bit by what?

With the owls hoot for joy/When discovered, shadow’s ploy? - none of this made sense to me. I assume you meant 'will the owls hoot (for joy?? why??) when they discover the shadows' ploy?' - but it's still a bizarre image.

I am being a little harsh - but if you are going to maintain a regular rhyme it's just as important that the poem continues to make sense. Otherwise the reader will assume finding words that rhyme was more important to you than sharing coherent thoughts.

You should never sacrifice clarity of expression for poetical form. It makes the entire exercise pointless. My advice, look for other words that rhyme that allow you to keep writing using normal expressions - and try to tighten up what you were describing. If the poem ends up being shorter - no matter.

H
Yes, I see how one could say this. The doubting line was because of my thoughts upon the day I wrote this. I doubted about many things of which I shall not divulge on account of thoughts I don't want to bring back up.

Why rain? Because, as it happens, it was raining in this day in question. Rather hard, I might add.

The next two lines, I'm not entirely sure what was running through my head at that time...

Yes, I've made a typo. :blush2: It was supposed to be will, not with. And 'shadow's ploy' is up to the readers to make it up. For me...No. It's personal again.


This is a good start, a sing-song poem that almost sounds like a lullaby. But that's exactly where the problem lies. You have some frightful thoughts but the sweet rhymes dulls it. Listen to Hill, don't be concerned with rhymes and never try to make a poem sound like a poem, it's so artificial. Write what's in your heart, not what sounds good to your ear.
Thank you. I'll consider rewriting this one to make it less sing-song.

[hillwalker]

Thanks for the clarification.... as it stands it makes sense of the situation you found yourself in when writing the poem. But these little asides added nothing to the poem itself.


Why rain? Because, as it happens, it was raining in this day in question. Rather hard, I might add.

And it's snowing at the moment here. Also I'm sitting at the kitchen table but I would hardly introduce these two observations into a poem unless I was specifically writing about the current weather and where I wrote the poem. See what I mean?

So - when and if you do decide to rewrite I would concentrate on the feeling evoked at the start. The focus on the candle flame and what thoughts might take over were it to be blown out. Let your imagination free and forget about what the weather is like outside.

H

[XRiddleDragonX]

Ah, I see now. Thank you for your help. :) I'll take your advice into account.