A Failed Poet annuh Bad Poem

[Jack of Hearts]

Ain't that moon shone cold and clean mama
I hopped a train to get to you
The stars blanketed the streets mama
everyone asleep, 'cept me walking them
to get to you

In this train-whistle neighborhood
lie wide awake and nothin' I could do

The whistle splitting the night
wailin' like a lonely ghost
Rousin' up my dreams honey
And I dream of you the most

So I rolled off all the blankets
and fell into a coat...

The pebbles on the pane
ain't they raise up hell
Your window or your mama's honey
How was I supposed to tell?

... Til she caught me in the bushes
and used a broom to ring my bell

You could say I was bemused but I...
I know I ain't the one
A fella's gotta try darlin'
lord how I've told myself that one

You came out inside a bathrobe
and let me know my race was run

Your mama, lovely lady
but damn does she get mean
*when she went back inside she left
you, me, and a bathrobe in between

But with this train hoppin' boy*
you're too embarassed to be seen
*
A long walk back, tell ya
Good God did it get cold
Hands inside my pockets,*
so the story goes.

So if you ask me for the lesson*
here's the one I took the most:

never love nobody.

[PrinceMyshkin]

You've got the colloquial voice down so that it's both convincing and engaging, but I don't understand the function of all the asterisks, and the last line is a terrible anti-climactic stinker. It wipes out any respect one might have come to feel for the narrator: it's such a self-pitying line and unjustified by the events he narrated.

[hillwalker]

I'm guessing the asterisks are an indirect result of posting from a mobile phone or similar device.

It's got a touch of the blues about it - both in the use of language and subject matter - so presumably one would expect it to end on a low note. But perhaps the terseness of that final line is a little out of keeping with what has already been said - a second line from the same cynical, down-turned lips would not go amiss to qualify his statement.

H

[AuntShecky]

I'm trolling back in time and I happened upon this.

How in blazes did I miss it the first time?

It's truly remarkable: Works both as a good-natured allusion of old bluesy themes (though not the form itself)
as well as a straightforward expression of longing.

This deserves to be "bumped" albeit the "oldest" posting to
be revived today.

[Jack of Hearts]

A much delayed thank you to hill the thrill and The Prince of Michigan.

And of course to you, Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Shecky.





J

[Delta40]

I'm in Australia so I'm thinking this is the love theme of a train hopping hobo so typecast on tv.... You convinced me at any rate.

[jajdude]

Happy 70th Jack, I mean Bob.

[Jack of Hearts]

Happy 300th, dude.





J

[jajdude]

Thanks Jack.

In case no one cares, and I am certain they don't, I was referring to Dylan, the dude of dudes, being 70 on May 24, also one of my bro's 50th.

So happy, I will cry when he leaves.

Jack, I love your writing, but it is damn near impossible not to think of Bobby D when I see your -- what is it, avatar.