first post

[tigermoon]

sorry. I really don't want my work just floating around the internet. If I do decide to publish it, that wouldn't be very good.

[hillwalker]

This is definitely one of the best posts I've read by a first-timer.

Your teacher is right - wouldn't it be great if she could help you get it published. When I was at school there was an Arts magazine sponsored by the regional education authority and printed in the local university (every 6 months or so) to showcase work by new writers (specifically students 16-21) whose work was considered worth being read by a wider audience.

I loved the way you compare your grandfather's condition now with that of his orchids - and the way you brought his house and garden to life.

However, I thought paragraph 7 (a brief natural history of orchids) was out of place - as if you had decided to include it as an afterthought. The story flows more naturally without it - but that's just one opinion of course.

Good luck with it - and if you do write any more essays/stories they might get more feedback on the ShortStory threads than in GeneralWriting

H

[MatthewFarlow]

Well, I'm impressed. I had some things to say specifically, but Hillwalker beat me to it.

Your account of your grandfather's life and, now, death makes for a very meaningful read. I think that the title of narratives like this can add a lot to the story, so if you are planning on publishing, spend some time to think of something clever.

On the subject of paragraph 7, I agree with Hillwalker, unless, of course, there is something symbolic in there that neither of us understood. Perhaps you are drawing a connection as to how special orchids are and how special your grandfather is. If that is the case, consider moving paragraph 7 up to become a short introduction of some sort.

Great work, Miss Moon!
I am looking forward to your future posts.

[tigermoon]

Thanks so much. That paragraph does sound weird because it totally shifts the mood. But I wanted to include it because none of my classmates actually knew what an orchid was and also because I thought it would help reinforce the idea that he was like an orchid himself. So much so that I would search the more factual side of the orchid for a relation to him....But I do like the idea of making it an introduction. I guess I never thought about that, partly because it had to be structured in a certain way. As it was originally for school.--Thanks again for your time

[hillwalker]

You're welcome - just be aware that sometimes it's possible to leave in blanks for your readers to fill in for themselves. But Matthew gives sound advice.

H

[Beautifull]

I love it. One of the best short stories I've ever read. You have great description, good organization. Great metaphors. And you even express the adoration you have for your grandfather. Your teacher is right. This piece would be a great piece to be published!

[MatthewFarlow]

I'm surprised that your classmates didn't know. But then again. . . How many orchids are in Alaska?

Edit: Actually I researched it (because I'm a dork) and it looks like their distribution travels that far north.
Take a look for yourself: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Orchidaceae.png
For all one knows, they're all over the place!

[tigermoon]

thanks Bella! Do you know of any good teen writing publishers?

There are orchids here, but they're not nearly as flashy as the ones in warmer places. All the natural flowers here are pretty small. Our state flower (the forget me not) is tiny!

[Beautifull]

I really do wish I did! I would give it to right away!