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MSJ
01-01-2011, 11:29 PM
Hello everyone,

I have a series on my website www.fearstavern.com called FEAR's Mini-Series and about every 2 weeks I release a short story about the series as well as a comic every alternate 2 weeks. Here's one I'd like to share with you, let me know what you think. The style is fantasy medieval.

Going Gray: Abandoned

It was supposed to be abandoned. The village grew steadily larger as the small group approached. Its gray buildings crept towards them and loomed from the ground like a forest of dead trees. The fading sun stretched the building’s shadows towards them like fingers reaching out to pull them inside.
The group consisted of little more than a dozen men. They were dressed in metal armor and carried weapons but walked in relaxed manner, not in marching formation. The sun still gave off enough light to see the large emblazoned F on their chest plates.

One soldier removed his helmet and shook his sweat matted hair. “This sucks. I hate scouting duty.”

“Get over it, Marks.” The words came from the only man wearing any kind of insignia or rank. Judging by the markings on his forearms he was a sergeant in the army of FEAR.

Marks shifted his helmet in his hand, “Yea but Sarge, why are we even out here? We should be on the fronts fighting, not in some backwoods empty village.”

“We are here because we were told to be here. Lord Dbow wants us to scout out the village and see if we can bring back anything worthwhile.”

“What is a village doing out here anyways? Who would build it in this place?”

“Some fool who thought he could play at being king. He quickly abandoned his village after finding his neighbors none too friendly. The village has sat empty since. Lord Dbow thinks it might make for a good forward outpost. It is a simple scout and collect mission, Marks. Be glad you have an easy assignment and shut up about it.”

Marks sighed and kept walking. Sergeant Hill was right he guessed. Things could be worse. At least he was out getting to see some of the surrounding world and not cooped up in a base somewhere at the center of their lands.
And Lord Dbow was as good as any to serve. He had been making a large push lately and Marks thought he might be a part of the main action but he supposed that would have to wait.

Marks looked at the others in his group. They were traveling light for this mission. Most wore lighter armor than the standard plate mail of FEAR; Marks was one of the few to bring a helmet. They all carried weapons of course, but most brought just the minimum sword or axe. Few packed spare knives, and no one carried spears. Their small group warranted no trained archers either. They were a single patrol on a non-combat mission. They wouldn’t run into trouble. Dixson and Hath were on the end of the line, both in full gear. They always brought everything. Said it was regulation. They were more serious than most of the soldiers Marks knew, but they were good friends to everyone. Next to them was Tor. Tor was too large to wear the standard armor; it didn’t fit over his gut, so he wore a loose chain shirt instead. Marks never understood how such a large man made it through training or managed to keep up on forced marches. Tor was already carrying his two handed axe. He had a gleam in his eye and smile on his face. Marks realized Tor was in the right army.

Marks got a nudge from his right. It was Plimith, “Yo, focus man. We’re here.”
Marks paid attention again to what he was doing. The patrol stood at the edge of the abandoned village. It definitely looked abandoned. The dirt streets were empty. No sound came from inside. The buildings had lost their whitewash finish, turning a dull gray color. The entire place was eerie, even to a trained soldier.

Sergeant Hill began issuing orders and men moved to comply. They drew weapons and split into groups of two or three. Each group headed down different streets looking for anything useful. Marks went with Plimith and Memo towards the center of the village.

The three fighters walked down the main street eyeing the empty buildings and black window spaces around them.

Plimith increased his pace, “Let’s hurry up and check this place so we can get out of here. This place gives me the creeps.”

Memo was murmuring something nervously under his breath in his native language. Marks assumed it was prayers. “You two need to man up and grow a pair. It’s an empty village. No one is here, remember? That’s what abandoned means.”

They reached the town square and found a large, dry fountain in the middle. It was three tiered and large enough for people to bathe in. Marks scoffed at such ornate architecture in a small village. No wonder this place went abandoned. This guy had his priorities all wrong. Should have built some walls instead of pretty fountains, then he might still be here.

They searched a few over turned market stalls, a ruined covered wagon, peeked their heads in a couple doors. There was nothing here. They sat down on the edge of the fountain and waited for the rest of the patrol to meet them here.

The others came back slowly, mostly empty handed. A few had found an item or two of small value but they were more trinkets and souvenirs than actual loot.

Sergeant Hill carried what appeared to be a large rolled up map and a sheaf of papers. “Alright, report in. What’d you find out there?”

The men went through their reports of checking the streets and nosing into a few buildings. No one had much to report as this was just a quick sweep of the city.

As the sergeant listened to the useless reports, Marks stood up. He did a quick count of the soldiers and then counted again. Eleven. “Where are Malek and Hughes?”

The rest of the group looked around. Looks were exchanged. Weapons were brought to the ready. A strange piercing laugh rang out. It echoed off the empty buildings. Another peal of laughter from the opposite side. Sergeant Hill spoke and the men formed into a defensive position.

The laughter increased in volume and number. It came from all around them, punctuated by shocking screams. The sound was deafening in the square.
Marks gripped his sword in both hands. His helmet sat on the fountain’s edge where he had left it. He wanted it now but didn’t dare put his guard down to reach for it.

“There!” Dixson pointed to a window in a nearby building. “I saw someone.”
The men began to see figures moving in dozens of nearby windows, doors, and ally ways. They moved quickly and in the long shadows of the fading sun. It was too hard to see who they were; everything was shadowy black or fading red.

A glass window exploded outward as something went flying through it. Malek’s corpse hit the ground with a sickening thump in front of the FEAR soldiers amid a shower of glass.

The screams and yells reached a crescendo and like a dam bursting the streets flooded with running, howling creatures wielding axes, clubs, spears, and all types of death.

The men charging at them, if one could call them such, were clothed in scraps of metal and leather with their bodies painted and pierced. Some charged naked, others unarmed but all of them wanted blood.

Tor didn’t wait for them to reach him. His massive frame charged the oncoming wave of barbarians. One swing of his axe took a man in half.
Sergeant Hill screamed out something over the noise. Marks barely heard it. And then the enemy was upon them.

Marks blocked a club coming for his head. He slid his blade down and with a twist removed three fingers from his opponent. The man could not longer hold his club and screamed. He looked more angry at losing his weapon than at losing his fingers. Marks slashed him across the chest and watched him go down.

Plimith buried his axe in the chest of a man who had been swinging for Marks. Marks looked to thank him. He turned just in time to see the panic in Plimith’s eyes. A barbarian was already stabbing towards him. Plimith couldn’t pull his axe out in time to save himself and Marks couldn’t reach him either. Marks watched Plimith die in front of him.

Marks screamed and plunged his sword through the man’s gut. He drove him backwards with his shoulder, pushing through another man and driving them over the edge into the fountain.

Marks stabbed and hacked at the two bodies below him until they were a large mess of body parts. He killed another man who thought to take advantage of his distraction, and a second and a third. Death was all around him, including among his comrades.

Dixson and Hath stood shoulder to shoulder in their full plated armor, a solid steel wall, killing everyone who approached them. The man next to them was not so lucky as he took a sharp axe to the side of his head. Memo was frantically blocking and parrying every thrust of an opponent’s sword. Marks knew he couldn’t hold out much longer. Two men fought back to back. One took a spear to the ribs and went down with a scream. His partner’s back was left exposed and was soon filled with cold, sharp steel. Tor stood alone, surrounded by raging barbarians. He was surrounded in bodies and blood and seemed to love every minute of it.

Sergeant Hill shouted an order and pointed down a street. Marks definitely did not hear it this time, but he understood. Retreat.

Marks killed the man in front of him and jumped from his spot on the fountain towards his quickly shrinking group. Memo was dead by the time Marks reached them. There were only seven of them left and Tor was separated from the group.

Sergeant Hill’s axe carved a pathway through the streets. The former dirt road was now made of red mud and paved with corpses. Tor was finally overwhelmed. The great mass of a man went down into the sea of bodies. Their small group fought through the mob to the edge.

They ran in pairs with Sergeant Hill leading and Dixson and Hath protecting the rear. The mob of barbarians pursued them relentlessly, screaming and howling the whole way. They turned down side streets and back allies trying to lose their pursuers.

Dixson and Hath stopped. “We will never lose them. Run, we will cover your escape.”

Marks gave them a quick nod and continued running after Sergeant Hill. He heard the clash of steel behind him as the two fought to hold back a swarm.
The remaining four soldiers turned out of the ally and raced down the street. There was a loud shriek and Marks felt something heavy hit his back and he went down. He rolled over, fighting the man who had pounced on him. A swift elbow broke the man’s nose and after a few hard punches to the gut, Marks was on top of the man and beating him to death with his bare hands. He got off the broken man and retrieved his sword from the street.

He looked up to see his last three comrades still running, pursued by nearly twenty men. Marks got up and ran after them, not wanting to be left behind.
More barbarians came in from side streets and raced along rooftops lining the street. They knew Marks was alone and small groups of the barbarians pealed off to corner him. They smiled through faces covered in blood and dirt. The entire affair was funny to them. Marks turned and ran down another street, losing sight of the group.

He ran as hard as he could, randomly turning down roads and hopping fences. Finally when he felt he was out of site, he dove through a doorway and kicked it shut behind him. He lay panting on the floor of an empty house, straining to hear pursuing footsteps over the sound of his heart pounding. He heard nothing but refused to relax. He bolted the door and climbed the stairs to the second floor.

The upstairs was a single room with all the windows shuttered. Marks sank into a corner and sat in the darkness, slowly catching his breath. He heard the laughter start outside. The screams began again. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. It was supposed to be easy. It was supposed to be abandoned.

MANICHAEAN
01-02-2011, 09:13 AM
Dear MSJ
I read your piece with some interest. It somehow drew me in. By the time I had finished, there were tears of laughter running down my face and I nearly had a heart attack. Most probably you are a bit like the late English comedian, Tommy Cooper who at first was upset when his conjuring tricks made people laugh, but then discovered he had a great talent for humour.

Let me try and explain. I personally have never heard of the style “fantasy medieval,” but I think it’s great, in so far as the writer is presumably not limited by historical authenticity e.g.

• Medieval dialogue: “This sucks.” / “Yea but Sarge.” / “Yo, focus man. We’re here.”

• Medieval names, (perhaps Frankish or Germanic): “Lord Dbow”/ “Dixson and Hath” / “Tor Tor” / “Memo.”

A couple of items I would appreciate clarification on:

• I’m presuming the large emblazoned “F” on their chest plates stands for the FEAR army but am sorely tempted to speculate on a number of alternatives.

• The phrase; “You two need to man up and grow a pair?” This was addressed by Memo to Marks and Plimith. Sergeant Hill seems to have been unaware regarding this absence of physical attributes within his unit.

You obviously enjoy writing, and action, and blood, and that is to be encouraged. Might I suggest you read a little wider to become familiar with some alternate aspects of life’s richness. I hesitate to come forward with suggestions, unless of course you warm to the idea.

Best regards and thank you for making my afternoon so enjoyable.
M.

hillwalker
01-02-2011, 09:21 AM
Not my preferred genre so I'm not the best critic of this type of story-telling.

A couple of things stood out though - the dialogue seems out of keeping with the historic setting. Perhaps I'm wrong, but one assumes 'medieaval' people would not speak the way they do here

"This sucks" - "Yo, focus man"- "You two need to man up and grow a pair"

This is pretty hopeless as dialogue goes anyway, but so out of context that it immediately took away any plausibility the story might have had - fantasy or not. And, of course, there is no fantasy here whatsoever.

All you have done is uproot some cartoon soldiers from Viet Nam or a Computer Game and placed them into a different time frame. They behave exactly the same way they would in their correct setting so the story is neither original nor compelling. They used to have a name for cheap TV shows that tired to do the same - Space Operas - were a soap opera took place on a spaceship, but everyone acted as if they were in 'Peyton Place' or 'Dallas'. It's just a pointless exercise imo.

Also, using dialogue for exposition is dreadfully lazy. It's a major no-no in writing.


“What is a village doing out here anyways? Who would build it in this place?”
“Some fool who thought he could play at being king. He quickly abandoned his village after finding his neighbors none too friendly. The village has sat empty since. Lord Dbow thinks it might make for a good forward outpost. It is a simple scout and collect mission, Marks. Be glad you have an easy assignment and shut up about it.”

People NEVER give each other a load of background information in normal conversation - in fact, they rarely speak in such long sentences anyway. So the best advice I can offer here is find a better way of exposition, if the reader truly needs to know everything.

BTW - just noticed Mani jumped in ahead of me so you'll probably see we share the same problems with this piece. Except that I couldn't even raise a snigger.

H

Delta40
01-02-2011, 10:10 AM
I was reminded of the awful army from the movie Avatar. So American with the 'man-up and grow a pair' expressions - masculinity on steroids. I'm with Hill and Manch in the sense that if you had not premised your work and labelled it Medieval fantasy, I would never have guessed a) the story is set in medieval times and b) it is fantasy. For all I know, it is a company occupying a deserted village in Iraq or Afghanistan and the jargon is American speak. The dialogue is too contemporary for the genre you wish to explore.

MSJ
01-04-2011, 01:58 PM
Hello all and thank you very much for your feedback. The dialogue is indeed not true to medieval times and this is intended so that the series has a more modern feel to it.

When I say that the genre is medieval-fantasy I am referring to a story taking place in an age where magic exists and the technology is that of what we would find in the "medieval ages".

Here's another Tale for anyone interested in reading more. This one is a bit more simplistic than the previous one but still a fun read in my opinion. As these tales connect with the webcomic on the site, there are a few references in the story that may not seem to have any purpose but once you are familiar with the entire series, it comes together.

An Unsettled Score

"Hey bartender, another round of drinks!" came the cry from the end of the bar. Grande quickly filled three mugs with ale and handed them off to an eager young man who disappeared into the crowded tavern room floor. FEAR’s Tavern was busy tonight and everyone seemed in good spirits. Grande watched as some men by the fire gambled at cards, their moans of disappointment punctuated by cries of victory from the winner. On the other side of the bar room floor near the staircase sat a large and overly hairy man with a slim girl under each of his arms. The girls giggled and swooned appropriately when the large man made a joke, his booming laughter drowning out their own. People milled about and the atmosphere was one of relaxed excitement. Grande was always sure to give a smile, wave, or a tip of his hat to any visitor coming through the door.

"Why? Why does it always happen to me?" sobbed the man seated at the end of the bar. Grande turned his attention to the one occupant who seemed to be unaffected by the spirit of the place. "Need another cold one Karma, maybe something with a little kick?" Grande pulled an unmarked bottle from under the counter and poured a glass full of the bottle’s dark contents. " There you go, secret family recipe. Guaranteed to perk you up or knock you flat." Grande set the full glass in front of Karma and removed three empty ones to another counter out of the way. " I just don’t get it" sobbed Karma. " No one else has this problem. Why didn’t anyone warn me! Gaahh…" Karma buried his face in his arm on the bar top, his muffled sobs lost in the sea of noise coming from the rest of the tavern.

Grande patted his friend’s shoulder with a sigh and pulled a small book from his back pocket. He turned a few pages until he found one titled " Karma" and added a few tallies under a heading for " Drinks." Satisfied that Karma’s tab was up to date, Grande returned the ledger to his pocket and proceeded down the bar filling and refilling drink orders for more cheerful customers." Grande, I need another bottle of whiskey and some extra shot glasses. Those guys by the fire already finished the first two bottles as well as broke the glasses I gave them." The words came from the Tavern’s resident server and wench Tigs. She was young and enthusiastic about her job, perhaps a little too enthusiastic at times. She was cute enough to attract attention and friendly enough to keep young men in their seats buying drinks instead of going home to waiting wives and girlfriends.

Grande quickly passed her the bottle and glasses along with a warning. " Keep an eye on them Tigs. We don’t need a repeat of last month when all those soldiers got drunk. Emessjay nearly killed me when he saw what had happened to his beloved Tavern." " Yea, yea I remember." Tigs gave a half hearted wave of her hand as if to sweep the whole conversation away as she left to serve the drinks.

Grande took a minute to check out the gamblers. They were still playing but obviously getting more worked up as players began to jump up in victory or slam down cards in defeat. He’d have to watch them and make sure things did not get too out of hand.

Suddenly, there was a large crash. The front door slammed open and in its place stood a towering figure that exuded barely contained destruction. The man was a hulk of a creature dressed all in black except for his sleeves which appeared to be torn off. His chaotically chopped hair was held back by a blood red bandana. The Tavern grew completely silent as all eyes fell on Jace Deathbringer.

Words escaped through clenched teeth from the hulking warrior. "Aargh… Jace comes to settle a score."

Faces grew pale throughout the room as patrons feared Jace might be there for them. Looks were shared by nervous occupants and Grande could see one man shaking slightly in his chair. Most eyes went to the large, hairy man with the small girls. Surely only that man with his great size could be the target of Jace Deathbringer.

The door slowly swung closed as Jace walked towards the bar, the clack of his wooden sandals on the floorboards making more than one person jump. One man scrambled off his bar stool in a desperate attempt to get out of Jace’s way. Grande stood looking up at the large warrior whose reputation was as well known and feared as any.

Jace reached up and dropped a pile of glittering coins on to the counter top. " Debt settled! Graaargh!" Jace turned and stormed back out of the Tavern as unexpectedly as he had entered, crashing through the front door and shattering it to pieces.

As color returned to faces and murmurs arose about the bizarre event they had just witnessed, Grande pulled out his ledger and flipped to a particularly set of worn pages. Across the top was scribbled " Jace" in large letters with subheadings including chairs, doors, windows, and every other conceivably breakable object in the Tavern. Every heading had dozens of tallies. Grande counted up the money left by Jace and compared them to his notes. All debts settled. He then looked up at the useless piece of wood that used to be the front door. Grande made a new tally under " Doors", returned his ledger to his pocket and smiled as he poured another drink.

MatthewFarlow
01-04-2011, 11:21 PM
The second one is very good. Not much else to say, simple and clever. It was a little unbelievable, but that didn't seem to matter. Good job!