Untitled

[AlfredtheGreat]

You were different from every body else
You didn't listen to the same music
Watch the same movies
And weirdest of all you read
You didn't talk much*
But the times you did speak I remember*
The words you chose felt special
Like you thought over every word*
And every phrase you uttered had meaning to me
I sometimes pictured how my life would be if I was you
I would do things differently
You were a bystander in our lives
An impartial referee
If I had your words or thought process
I would have used them differently
But now that part of our lives is over
And it's funny I don't even remember you're full name
I just wanted you to know that what you said had an impact on me
I sometimes wonder where you are now
And think about how you're life turned out
Did you become something, or did you do great things
It's odd how time forces growth
If all us kids were seeds
Then many of us grew into large oak trees
Trees that had a full life
But for the people like you and me
Things were different
We were planted in the ground
And we sprouted and forced our way out of the Earth
But for some reason I have yet to figure out
Our strength fizzled *and left us
Our little sprouts browned and flew off with the wind
The skeletons of an attempted life.*

[hillwalker]

A memorable last line - but too much of what precedes it reads like prose to me.

H

[AlfredtheGreat]

I know I just wanted barebones word choice for this one.

[hillwalker]

barebones word choice ?

But you haven't stripped your thoughts to the bare bones, I would beg to point out. Quite the opposite.

H

[AlfredtheGreat]

Thank you. Recently I had been writing kind of flowery. An for this I just wanted to write how I would speak.

[hillwalker]

Thank you. Recently I had been writing kind of flowery. An for this I just wanted to write how I would speak.

It certainly has a personal warmth about it - an intimacy that is often totally lacking in so-called 'Romantic' poetry. So you achieved the transition from one style to another really well.

H

[AlfredtheGreat]

Thanks, bud. Just gotta keep working.

[PrinceMyshkin]

You were different from every body else. You didn't listen to the same music or watch the same movies, and weirdest of all you read!
You didn't talk much, but the times you did speak I remember: The words you chose felt special, like you thought over every word.


Insofar as you can look at the preceding objectively, is it in any way inferior to the format in which you presented it? Or do the line breaks you present in the original interfere with the spontaneity of what is being said, as if someone were nudging one in the ribs every 5, 6 or 7 words...

[AlfredtheGreat]

Yeah, I prefer the original version. In prose it sounds to choppy.