Black Bird

[yuka]

Like others'
My passing by does not disturb her either
I stop and desire her to come to me
This winter bird with black feathers all over
But she walks a leisurely step
Beside a small pine, on a lawn in the city centre,
Neither approaching
Nor going away further
Like a cunning fish
Facing against me, across the fence

Suddenly like a naughty child
She turns around deftly
Jumps and runs to the lawn central
One of her companions stays there
Waiting for her eagerly

[hillwalker]

You do a great job of describing a blackbird's behaviour as he goes foraging for worms or grubs, oblivious of most humans close by.

Some of the grammar has gone slightly astray in the first 3 lines which made it difficult on first reading to understand. I might almost be tempted to suggest you leave them out and go straight to the bird itself.

But I especially enjoyed the line Like a cunning fish

H

[dyne7]

some of the tense usages within the poem make it a jumpy read, but the concept is deep after repeated readings. it was pleasant

[yuka]

You do a great job of describing a blackbird's behaviour as he goes foraging for worms or grubs, oblivious of most humans close by.

Some of the grammar has gone slightly astray in the first 3 lines which made it difficult on first reading to understand. I might almost be tempted to suggest you leave them out and go straight to the bird itself.

But I especially enjoyed the line Like a cunning fish

H

Hello Mr. H,

had made a revision. now i dont know if those grammar and others beside grammar are ok ? dont mind to tell me.

and about your suggestion, thanks a lot. how to say, after thinking it over i decided not to follow, because I just want to practise my written English but not to improve my poem skill, so, i left them as they were.

one day when i satisfied with my using of english, i would be focuing on improving poem skill

at last, happy new year to you.:hat:

[yuka]

some of the tense usages within the poem make it a jumpy read, but the concept is deep after repeated readings. it was pleasant

thank you dyne for your kind words.


happy new year to you

[firefangled]

I like the idea of this and I think it would do well with some trimming as Hillwalker suggests.

I'm also not quite sure if the blackbird has some other association with the narrator of your poem.

In your attempt to write in English I would try not to lose the voice you use to write currently.

[Delta40]

I felt the sunshine as he cawed right at me!

[yuka]

Thank you Fire for your reading and words. I agree with both you and Hill about the trimming.

Delta, thank you for you read enjoy your imagination.