Urgency and Brighter. Comments appreciated

[AlfredtheGreat]

Urgency

Beware, behold the second lost generation
Cut up, cut down
An unformed idea for a new nation
Beaten and held underwater to drown

Lost! An amalgam of brown and white
Mixed, like blue and yellow, mixed
Green, dead green to brown, black, fight
Fight or flight, flight is nixed

Hollow! Who’s there? Who’s there?
No one, empty, dead silence
Hood pulled down, black hair
Sirens, sirens

Stay away
Move, stop, try again, stop, try, end
New day, new day
Help, help, happiness around bend

Who are we? Where are we?
Embarrassed
Darkness looms like oak tree
Established

We move on and on
We are gray
We move until dawn
On the border, in disarray

**************************

Brighter

Today I walk outside and the sun is brighter
Today I walk outside and the grass is greener

I'm free, the bars are gone, the gray has gone
I'm king for a day, the path that the sun has shone

To enlightenment I cherish, for I have known
What darkness is, the feeling of sinking down

Into the abyss that is of modern sadness
But I have fought off the evil and the darkness

Lightness, Darkness take your pick, choose a side and stick
With it, fight off your demons that make you sick

Today the sun is bright
Today the grass is green

[PrinceMyshkin]

In the first of these, your commitment to your rhyme scheme distracted me all the way through - and even without it I might not have been sure what you were intending to say.

The 2nd is easier to read but still, I have the sense of the writer, overly conscious that he is writing POETRY, that writing POETRY is a noble thing to do and permits or perhaps requires the use of language seldom if ever heard in the streets, cafes or bedrooms of the nation.

[hillwalker]

Prince has hit the nail on the head.

As an exercise in discovering words that rhyme these two poems probably achieve their goal.

BUT as poetry they fall flat on their faces.

The first poem in particular has no rhythmical flow whatsoever. It's not essential in a poem that every line have the same meter, or the same number of syllables throughout.
But when you try to read a poem out loud it is expected to follow a certain pattern - either the pattern of spoken speech or a more melodic flow. The only time you would discard any rhythm whatsoever is when you were possibly trying to suggest the destruction of someone's mind or an emotional breakdown.
Unfortunately in this instance all we are given is a disorganised jumble of expressions that are meaningless.

Because, of course, too many of the lines make absolutely no sense which makes it difficult to find anything good to say about the piece as a whole. And I'm guessing the reason they don't make sense is because you concentrated on maintaining the rhyme at the expense of everything else.

This is actually a great example of how not to go about writing a poem.

The second poem is marginally better. At least it makes sense, although the verse breaks make it difficult to understand (until the reader realises there shouldn't be any). And it does have rather too airy-fairy a quality about it - written as an exercise in making poetry than in conveying real thoughts and emotions.

Again, a couple of expressions are weak -

the path that the sun has shone

and

fight off your demons that make you sick

ruin the overall sense of someone being released from incarceration (either real or imagined).

If you want some advice - forget about even attempting to rhyme until you are able to express your thoughts clearly and concisely enough for your reader to engage with your work. And read as much good poetry as you can get your hands on.....

H

[AlfredtheGreat]

Yeah, I didn't write these just posted them for a friend. Jk

[PrinceMyshkin]

Yeah, I didn't write these just posted them for a friend. Jk

In which case, surely your friend ought to acknowledge or respond to the comments, or are we to comment on anything that anyone posts here on behalf of any one?

[Haunted]

Yeah, I didn't write these just posted them for a friend. Jk

ahhh I don't think it's kosher to post someone else's writing as yours. At least give a byline. I hope you got permission to do so.

[AlfredtheGreat]

Ha. I was just making a joke, it's all mine.