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cdyal87
12-29-2010, 12:32 PM
Hi, I am trying to obtain a critical analysis of my admissions essay and its coherency on the pompt: if you are not currently enrolled in school, please list in chronological order you activities since last enrolled full time.
Are there any grammar errors? Sentence structure issues?
Thanks! If you need help on an essay, I will return the favor!

Thru the spring and summer of 2010, I devoted myself to a four star restaurant in Winter Park FL, and a tea and sandwich house across the street from the University of Central Florida so that I could amass tuition for the fall of 2010. Abstaining from social interaction, afraid of an interruption of remuneration, I worked the maximum of forty hours per week at Houston’s Restaurant. When not working at Houstons, I could be spotted behind the tinted glass of three panels serving hand brewed tea and intimidating sandwiches to the local fraternity brothers and sorority sisters of UCF. It was the straining pressure of autonomously paying for tuition, books, rent, car payment and insurance, and extracurricular activities that blurred together the peculiarities of this particular period in my life; the chronological components are without order but are endowed with cerebral desire. Such a longing was indispensible of the mature onus I made oath unto myself following the depletion of my academic’s savings account: never abandon virtue, which is an impetus to success.
The subsequent accumulation of tedium and suffocation of not being a being but a working “machiness” was palliated between the shelves of Borders Bookstore and a soy-latte accompanied by my weekly literary purchase. During this 7 month academic interruption I enjoyed the solitude of sitting for several hours at Natura Café and Jazz so that I could complete my reading and analyzation of Grabriel Marquez’s One Hundred Years of Solitude, James Joyce’s Ulysses, Fyodor Dostoevsky’s Crime and Punishment, Jean Paul Sartre’s Nausee and No Exit, Oscar Wilde’s The Picture of Dorian Gray, and Albert Camus’s The Stranger.
With a resplendent perspective and cognizance for the upcoming semester, I hastily registered for fall classes in Philosophy, Literature, and Elementary French. Quickly following my enrollment in classes, I came to the ruinous awareness that I was too impecunious to be able to rely on my income for the following four months, which would have allowed me replete devotion to my academic studies; and quickly seizing my parent’s offer of a spare room in their house, I returned to Arcadia Fl. so that I could accrue the plethora of dollar bills needed to attend college properly and respectfully. Promptly returning home, I found myself lamenting alongside the unemployed but was able to secure a volunteer position at a local, rare and vintage used book-store. My mornings and afternoons resemble the past year of my academic freedom, and reflecting the structure of a scholarly den, I continue to dissect literature and philosophy in the solitude of a personal classroom. The terse two hour break I allow myself from Plato, Kant, and Sartre arrives in the afternoon when Sofi ́a (my 1987, Trek 400) and I race each other to Crackerhouse Bookstore; and upon the front doors bell’s dissonance floating into the distance, I find myself shoved in the children’s section organizing and restocking; concentrating on the alphabetization of 1800-1900 Classic Literature; and guiding inquisitive guests to their desired area of readings.
Not only am I volunteering at a local bookstore, but I am also looking forward to holding a journalist and photography position at the local newspaper in January: covering a weekly book review and an article on the education system in DeSoto County. I most certainly plan to continue volunteering at Crackerhouse Bookstore; furthermore, I anticipate the completion of a short film on the languid mentality of a small town and its effect on culture, creative stimulation, and communal efficiency. It is with complete devotion to academics, creativeness, and intellectuality that I reserved the year 2010, and 2011 prospectively, so that I may become a part of the arduous and witty environment of a Liberal Arts College.

here is a second essay prompt: list the reason for transferring and the goals you hope to achieve.
Are there any grammatical errors? Coherency issues? Do I address the prompt pellucidly?
Thanks! I will return the favor by reviewing something of yours!

A direct and simplistic reason for my desiring to transfer at this time is the idea behind obtaining a higher degree that exceeds my Associate in Arts Degree. However, this simplicity must be withdrawn immediately if I wish to respond appropriately to the proceeding question: what are the objectives I hope to achieve once transferred? Upon prospectively entering into a Liberal Arts College I will aspire to absorb with maximum capacity the knowledge and experience bestowed by each of my future professors. May it also be understood that I desire to procure scholarly independence from my fellow classmates and professors in order to grow self-sufficiently in intellectual academics that reside beyond the classroom, challenging my own theories and opinions so that they may exist in their entirety with confidence. “If one would have a friend, then must one also be willing to wage war for him: and in order to wage war, one must be capable of being an enemy”, Pg.30, Thus Spake Zarathustra, Friedrich Nietzsche. As a corollary of retracting from and challenging the surrounding academic environment, each person broached will grow resplendently in accordance. Of course, it is without disregarding the relevancy of social interaction and without ignoring imperative communal participation that I am buoyant of multiple relationships blossoming from academic endeavors.
Within the desideration to major in French and minor in Philosophy, I have aspirations for my competency of each subject to be augmented. Foremost, to become brilliantly eloquent in French is a surface I hope to be effaced yet distended simultaneously. Furthermore, I anticipate the eccentric confidence in decorously conversing on the subjects of philosophy, literature, art, and film to strengthen while attending to my Bachelor in Arts Degree. It is with this confidence that I find rigorous attention and profound questioning by professors and pupils to proliferate the personal ability of critical thinking and the grounded intellectuality of the mind. Also, honing adroitness and comprehension of French culture will enable me to participate and excel in publishing, posit on intellectual topics, and flourish in European Journalism while residing in Lyon, Paris, or Marseille: a travel I plan to attend to with promise promptly following my graduation and prospective acceptance into The University Paris- Sorbonne. I also expect to obtain an abysmal intellectual ability in analyzing Europe’s efficacy on civilization, prosperity, and current affairs; modern revolution, evolution, and rebellion; film, screenplays, and directors; and literary movements (modernism and post-modernism, empiricism and rationalism, existentialism, and Platonism).
It is my ultimate goal to achieve this vast knowledge and understanding of Europe’s culture so that I may thrive successfully within the realms of publishing cinematic criticisms on the meaning and use of dichromatic film, the role of female’s conscience in French New Wave and Avante-Garde, and the battle of freedom in existentialism: Wim Wender’s Wings of Desire, Francois Truffaut’s The 400 Blows, Frederico Fellini’s 8 ½ and La Dolce Vita, and Maya Deren’s Meshes of the Afternoon; espousing critical criticism of Jean Paul Sartre’s Being and Nothingness, Immanuel Kant’s Critique of Pure Reason, and Friedrich Nietzche’s Thus Spake Zarathustra so to finalize my attempt in the correlation and parallelism of current empiricism to the proliferation of materialism, gluttony, and the depletion of will to the Superman. It also my current understanding that with the annex of such aspects as stated above I will enjoy a further commencement of writing screenplays and short stories, and editing and producing short films.

Hi! I am looking for a SERIOUS critique of my admissions essay. The prompt is as follows: why are you transferring and what goals do you hope to achieve?

Are there any grammatical errors? Sentence structure issues? Do I pellucidly address the prompt with eccentricity?
Thanks! I will reply by revising something of yours!

A direct and simplistic reason for my desiring to transfer at this time is the idea behind obtaining a higher degree that exceeds my Associate in Arts Degree. However, this simplicity must be withdrawn immediately if I wish to respond appropriately to the proceeding question: what are the objectives I hope to achieve once transferred? Upon prospectively entering into a Liberal Arts College I will aspire to absorb with maximum capacity the knowledge and experience bestowed by each of my future professors. May it also be understood that I desire to procure scholarly independence from my fellow classmates and professors in order to grow self-sufficiently in intellectual academics that reside beyond the classroom, challenging my own theories and opinions so that they may exist in their entirety with confidence. “If one would have a friend, then must one also be willing to wage war for him: and in order to wage war, one must be capable of being an enemy”, Pg.30, Thus Spake Zarathustra, Friedrich Nietzsche. As a corollary of retracting from and challenging the surrounding academic environment, each person broached will grow resplendently in accordance. Of course, it is without disregarding the relevancy of social interaction and without ignoring imperative communal participation that I am buoyant of multiple relationships blossoming from academic endeavors.
Within the desideration to major in French and minor in Philosophy, I have aspirations for my competency of each subject to be augmented. Foremost, to become brilliantly eloquent in French is a surface I hope to be effaced yet distended simultaneously. Furthermore, I anticipate the eccentric confidence in decorously conversing on the subjects of philosophy, literature, art, and film to strengthen while attending to my Bachelor in Arts Degree. It is with this confidence that I find rigorous attention and profound questioning by professors and pupils to proliferate the personal ability of critical thinking and the grounded intellectuality of the mind. Also, honing adroitness and comprehension of French culture will enable me to participate and excel in publishing, posit on intellectual topics, and flourish in European Journalism while residing in Lyon, Paris, or Marseille: a travel I plan to attend to with promise promptly following my graduation and prospective acceptance into The University Paris- Sorbonne. I also expect to obtain an abysmal intellectual ability in analyzing Europe’s efficacy on civilization, prosperity, and current affairs; modern revolution, evolution, and rebellion; film, screenplays, and directors; and literary movements (modernism and post-modernism, empiricism and rationalism, existentialism, and Platonism).
It is my ultimate goal to achieve this vast knowledge and understanding of Europe’s culture so that I may thrive successfully within the realms of publishing cinematic criticisms on the meaning and use of dichromatic film, the role of female’s conscience in French New Wave and Avante-Garde, and the battle of freedom in existentialism: Wim Wender’s Wings of Desire, Francois Truffaut’s The 400 Blows, Frederico Fellini’s 8 ½ and La Dolce Vita, and Maya Deren’s Meshes of the Afternoon; espousing critical criticism of Jean Paul Sartre’s Being and Nothingness, Immanuel Kant’s Critique of Pure Reason, and Friedrich Nietzche’s Thus Spake Zarathustra so to finalize my attempt in the correlation and parallelism of current empiricism to the proliferation of materialism, gluttony, and the depletion of will to the Superman. It also my current understanding that with the annex of such aspects as stated above I will enjoy a further commencement of writing screenplays and short stories, and editing and producing short films.

hi! I am attempting to find a harsh critique of my admissions essay. Grammatical errors? sentence structure? coherency?
The prompt is: if you are not enrolled in school full time, list in detailed choronological order your activities since last being in school full time.

I will return the favor by revising something of yours! Thanks!

A direct and simplistic reason for my desiring to transfer at this time is the idea behind obtaining a higher degree that exceeds my Associate in Arts Degree. However, this simplicity must be withdrawn immediately if I wish to respond appropriately to the proceeding question: what are the objectives I hope to achieve once transferred? Upon prospectively entering into a Liberal Arts College I will aspire to absorb with maximum capacity the knowledge and experience bestowed by each of my future professors. May it also be understood that I desire to procure scholarly independence from my fellow classmates and professors in order to grow self-sufficiently in intellectual academics that reside beyond the classroom, challenging my own theories and opinions so that they may exist in their entirety with confidence. “If one would have a friend, then must one also be willing to wage war for him: and in order to wage war, one must be capable of being an enemy”, Pg.30, Thus Spake Zarathustra, Friedrich Nietzsche. As a corollary of retracting from and challenging the surrounding academic environment, each person broached will grow resplendently in accordance. Of course, it is without disregarding the relevancy of social interaction and without ignoring imperative communal participation that I am buoyant of multiple relationships blossoming from academic endeavors.
Within the desideration to major in French and minor in Philosophy, I have aspirations for my competency of each subject to be augmented. Foremost, to become brilliantly eloquent in French is a surface I hope to be effaced yet distended simultaneously. Furthermore, I anticipate the eccentric confidence in decorously conversing on the subjects of philosophy, literature, art, and film to strengthen while attending to my Bachelor in Arts Degree. It is with this confidence that I find rigorous attention and profound questioning by professors and pupils to proliferate the personal ability of critical thinking and the grounded intellectuality of the mind. Also, honing adroitness and comprehension of French culture will enable me to participate and excel in publishing, posit on intellectual topics, and flourish in European Journalism while residing in Lyon, Paris, or Marseille: a travel I plan to attend to with promise promptly following my graduation and prospective acceptance into The University Paris- Sorbonne. I also expect to obtain an abysmal intellectual ability in analyzing Europe’s efficacy on civilization, prosperity, and current affairs; modern revolution, evolution, and rebellion; film, screenplays, and directors; and literary movements (modernism and post-modernism, empiricism and rationalism, existentialism, and Platonism).
It is my ultimate goal to achieve this vast knowledge and understanding of Europe’s culture so that I may thrive successfully within the realms of publishing cinematic criticisms on the meaning and use of dichromatic film, the role of female’s conscience in French New Wave and Avante-Garde, and the battle of freedom in existentialism: Wim Wender’s Wings of Desire, Francois Truffaut’s The 400 Blows, Frederico Fellini’s 8 ½ and La Dolce Vita, and Maya Deren’s Meshes of the Afternoon; espousing critical criticism of Jean Paul Sartre’s Being and Nothingness, Immanuel Kant’s Critique of Pure Reason, and Friedrich Nietzche’s Thus Spake Zarathustra so to finalize my attempt in the correlation and parallelism of current empiricism to the proliferation of materialism, gluttony, and the depletion of will to the Superman. It also my current understanding that with the annex of such aspects as stated above I will enjoy a further commencement of writing screenplays and short stories, and editing and producing short films.

Seasider
12-29-2010, 02:03 PM
It's much too verbose and your vocabulary is unduly Latinate. You show signs of not understanding many of the words you use.
Examples are buoyant desideration effaced distended eccentric decorously proliferate abysmal and there are many more!

I have aspirations for my competency of each subject to be augmented.
can be better rendered I hope to improve in all my subjects.

I don't believe that Zarathustra's dicta improve your chances of acceptance at all.

Foremost, to become brilliantly eloquent in French is a surface I hope to be effaced yet distended simultaneously. Could be expressed I will work towards achieving maximum fluency in French. Not so flowery I admit but it communicates your aims more coherently. I could go on but life calls:)

hillwalker
12-29-2010, 06:36 PM
Oh dear me. Was this written as some elaborate joke? I’m guessing probably not.

I’m assuming English is not your first language – nor second, judging by this. It looks as if you swallowed a Thesaurus and got a bad case of indigestion.

Why don’t you write in the language normal people speak?

Trying to impress a college entry board with linguistic gymnastics is doomed to failure – especially as you make such a pig’s ear of it. They say a little knowledge is a dangerous thing - and your display of knowing your way around a dictionary proves it.

Thru – I’m not sure on Americanised English but even this first word managed to raise my hackles. Given your apparent erudition one would expect you to use ‘Through’.

Then we get the sorry saga of you ‘devoting’ yourself to a couple of restaurants – one assumes you were waiting table. Why try to dress it up as something more worthy? Don’t you think college professors realise people actually do menial work in order to save money for their studies?

Again, I’m not sure what a college acceptance board might be looking for – but somebody who manages to make choosing to work and save some cash rather than party sound so convoluted a situation is hardly going to impress.

Excessive verbosity is more annoying than illiteracy – it shows you mastered a language then chose to abuse it for your own selfish pleasures. To hell with whoever has to try and read it.
Imagine someone trying to wade through this in order to get an understanding of who you are and what makes you tick. They would skim through it then look for the nearest waste-paper basket.


Such a longing was indispensible of the mature onus I made oath unto myself following the depletion of my academic’s savings account: never abandon virtue, which is an impetus to success.

This reads like something translated from English into Klingon then back to English. It hurts my eyes even looking at it, never mind trying to fathom out what you are trying to say.

Pretentious? Toi? To the nth degree - and a little bit more. If I were looking for a potential student – anyone who dared write such tosh and send it to me would be instantly consigned to the trash. The entire essay reeks of self-importance and displays a complete lack of common sense.

Do I pellucidly address the prompt with eccentricity?

Whatever that is supposed to mean, I would guess the answer is NO – or maybe YES.

My advice, learn to write concisely and clearly before even thinking about attending college.

Name dropping Wim Wenders and Fellini or Nietzche and Joyce might look impressive – but writing like a word-processor on steroids makes me wonder whether you actually were able to absorb anything from the films you studied or books you read. I'm inclined to believe that you included them because they would look good on your cv.

I don’t even have the heart to wish you good luck because on this showing you don’t stand a chance.

H

Jack of Hearts
12-29-2010, 07:22 PM
These are useless. Reading this irked me a bit on an emotional level, and the following could very well be me projecting. This post irked me because I've also written things like this at my most insecure moments. No mistake about it, applying for college can force a person to face their own insecurities.The following are things I wish someone had said to me during those times; I hope they help you, maybe they're way off base. Applying is almost like building a person all over again and spitting that creation at paper. We hide behind the things we've read, or to claim to have read, or the things we like. We aren't the things we like, though, and thinking about 'literary' movements doesn't fundamentally alter our value as people.

Insecurity and fear, I think. By my estimations, these things are unavoidable. Specific example: college. No one is going to be impressed by what you say you've read or grand paintings of ego, that would be a frightening admissions system indeed. The truth itself seems to be much scarier. The reasons a college accepts or denies a person can seem arbitrary and cruel (from my personal experience, I was accepted into a world class university for absolutely no sound reason at all). The worst part is we are convinced we are failures if we don't get in. Having been spit through a system one too many times, I wish someone would have just sat me down and said something like 'whether they take you or not, you have to keep being you.' Less of an end of the world ordeal, please. You have to trust that you are a human being who's life has value no matter what and is clever enough to achieve his or her goals.

A bit off-topic and possibly not even helpful,

J