A Villanelle

[AllIsDead]

Well, I'm quite new to writing poetry but it's something I really want to get into you.

I foolishly tried writing a villanelle, and I'm rather sure it's awful. However, I'd love someone to have a look, and maybe offer some creative criticism? :)

Arrows

Like arrows out the blackening sky,
A thousand pricks of deadly hate,
Or be it a dream of that mind's eye?

Seek to hurt that that crys,
A word is worth a thousand wounds,
Like arrows out the blackening sky.

For behind it is they lie,
ready there to stab and cut,
or be it a dream of that mind's eye?

Perhaps they truly to seek to try,
To drive their knives to feeble heart,
Like arrows out the blackening sky.

Or maybe it's just a stupid lie.
An attempt upon the broken psyche,
or be it a dream of that mind's eye?

Intentions remain unknown to I,
Quite lost to efforts to understand.
Like arrows out the blackening sky,
Or be it a dream of that minds eye?

[hillwalker]

Well strictly speaking this is not a standard villanelle because you have failed to match the rhyme at the end of line 2 throughout (lines 5, 8, 11, 14 and 17 should share this same end-rhyme).

But I'm no fan of strictly formal poetry so would hasten to add that your attempt is a worthy one. I'm just wondering why you took on such a difficult verse-form.

As for the content - it's a little disjointed (largely because you are forced to twist word sequences and sentences into bizarre shapes in order to maintain the rhyme).

The meter also quickly becomes uneven - by line 3

Or be it a dream of that mind's eye?

that extra syllable due to the 'a' makes the verse stumble and it really doesn't recover balance from that point on.

Seek to hurt that that crys,[cries?]

is a syllable short (between the 'hurt' and the first of the two 'that's) - and what a clumsy expression!

As for what it's supposed to be about - well I'm lost. Something about the ability of lies to wound perhaps, but it's all a bit too vague and wishy-washy.

My advice - clarity of expression should take precedence over accuracy of form. Sort out what you're trying to say first rather than burdening yourself with a stylistic millstone even before you've put pen to paper.

H

[Jassy Melson]

There is another reason why the poem is not a villanelle. In a villanelle all lines must contain the same number of syllables.

[blank|verse]

A valiant first attempt, AID. Villanelles are tricky forms and I think yours works quite well.

I agree with hillwalker's general point about clarity, rhyme scheme, and in highlighting the poem's weaker lines, where the syntax has been strained to the point the poem doesn't flow well.

There's no reason you have to stick rigidly to the traditional prescribed rules of metre. Modern poets like to play with form. Paul Muldoon said: 'Form is a straightjacket for the poet in the same way a straightjacket was a straightjacket for Houdini.' You seem to be working in four-stress lines, similar to those you find in ballads, and it's acceptable to use them in a villanelle. The only line that sticks out is:

For behind it is they lie,
which only has three stresses.

Personally, I also found the construction 'be it' annoyingly archaic. Why not 'is it'? Still, good effort. Have you read Philip Larkin's 'The Whitsun Weddings'? It's on a completely different subject, but there's a famous metaphor involving a shower of arrows at the end of the poem. Keep writing.