The Salesman Pt 1 - News Of the Salesman

[robertenem]

News Of the Salesman



There’s some news. All the junkies come scrawling to listen in—there’s a new trick. Some guy’s trying to push his poppies down our throats but we all got shrunken heads and shrunken necks and he thinks he can get us to shove them down, but what happens when we gag and spurt? The sting brought upon by this man’s technique intrigues me, but the other junkies, all degenerates, know nothing of feeling, and they rather like it that way. So maybe that’s his angle? This salesman has got the market cornered and they just go along with it trying to hold their heads up, meanwhile the blood soaks their prodding sticks as they dig into the urethra, pushing and shoving them down. Their necks are swollen.

About two weeks for the first case to develop. These are cases of capital punishment. Cases of disembowelment and of no shame or pride. Self-execution. And the worst is yet to cum.

Only three months till he’s sealed the deal. His real investment is biotechnology. He’s got them all. He can grow them a new head; a better head. How can they resist? “Hear me! Hear me out! Listen to what I’ve got for you…” All the junkies come scrawling to listen in.

The other 12 parts can be found here http://robertenem.wordpress.com/2010/12/12/news-of-the-salesman/

[MatthewFarlow]

The first paragraph sounds good. As an introduction it does its job of drawing the reader into the story. So bravo! Although I'm unsure if it had anything to do with the rest of the story. I can't tell you because I did not read it.

First off, it's on another site, which defeats the purpose of putting it on the forum. If your intention was to get a couple extra views to your blog, then it makes sense for you, but then you certainly have missed the point of the forum.

Despite all this, I might have actually read your short story if it weren't for two reasons:
1. The segments in which you wrote it are much too short. One does not wish to spend an equal amount of time reading your words as turning the page and scrolling back down to read them.
2. The typos in the second and third paragraphs are just laughable. For example:
And the worst is yet to cum. Unless you misspelled wurst and were making a penis reference, its a terrible typo.
“Here me! Here me out! Listen to what I’ve got for you…” Here me? Here me? Well hear me now, this typo is also just too basic to look past.

The reason I am so disappointed in how it turned out is that the first paragraph was so interesting and intriguing and I wasn't able to read the rest of the story. Fix it up and I might give it another go.

Mister Matthew Farlow.

[robertenem]

The first paragraph sounds good. As an introduction it does its job of drawing the reader into the story. So bravo! Although I'm unsure if it had anything to do with the rest of the story. I can't tell you because I did not read it.

First off, it's on another site, which defeats the purpose of putting it on the forum. If your intention was to get a couple extra views to your blog, then it makes sense for you, but then you certainly have missed the point of the forum.

Despite all this, I might have actually read your short story if it weren't for two reasons:
1. The segments in which you wrote it are much too short. One does not wish to spend an equal amount of time reading your words as turning the page and scrolling back down to read them.
2. The typos in the second and third paragraphs are just laughable. For example: Unless you misspelled wurst and were making a penis reference, its a terrible typo. Here me? Here me? Well hear me now, this typo is also just too basic to look past.

The reason I am so disappointed in how it turned out is that the first paragraph was so interesting and intriguing and I wasn't able to read the rest of the story. Fix it up and I might give it another go.

Mister Matthew Farlow.

The first typo wasn't a typo. The second one, however, I am a bit embarrassed for now.

EDIT: I fixed it the second typo. A lot of the writing I do intentionally breaks the rules of English language, and so if you're going to read my work just looking for technical errors you're probably going to want to scream. Most of the time, though, they are there on purpose. I do feel salty about the second one you pointed out, though. And, if it is the case that I have missed the point of this forum, then please at least explain what it is that I'm missing. Is the point of this forum to craft writers in the same sense that a creative writing class would; correcting errors and providing guidelines to writing 'successfully'? Because, if so, then maybe this isn't the place for me. Literature is a rapidly dying art, and the commercialization of it, as well as the way writing is taught to writers with a commercialistic emphasis is not helping. It bugs me that people think that they can make someone's writing better by sharing it amongst themselves and making their own personal suggestions, particularly when such suggestions are made with a sort of objective stance. There is no better or worse in writing. So please, if the purpose of this forum is not for me to share my writing with others, to enjoy the writing of others, and to discuss the writing of others, then what is it?

[MatthewFarlow]

I was taught in the ways of commercialized writing. And frankly, I agree with you. It is not that I agree with the way literature is critiqued, I just know no other way. I have taken art courses and learned how to critique in there; I think that I should add more of this style to the way I analyze other's writing.

The purpose of the forum, at least to me, is to share writing with people all over the planet. If you just want people to read your work and perhaps give you a sentence or two about what was enjoyable - but not robotically analyze it, that is absolutely fine. If you want people to tell you what they liked and disliked artistically, that is also great. Just request these somewhere in your post. People are very respectful and versatile on here.

A general rule of thumb for the forum is that one should not make another venture to a distant site to read the post. I, for one, hate virtual pages, and the forum format does not have this, so that's why I like to read on here.

If you wouldn't mind explaining what was meant by the first (debunked) typo, I'm curious to know.

I'm glad you responded to what I had written to you and am looking forward to your future posts!

Welcome to the forum,
Mister Matthew Farlow.

[MANICHAEAN]

Dear robertnem
Welcome to Lit Net Forum. I was drawn to your thread not so much by the “News of the Salesman” submittal, but by your subsequent dialogue and reaction to Matthew Farlow’s comments.

Its so reassuring that you intentionally break the rules of the English language. Actually, from Beowulf to the present day, “beginning Novelists” have indulged in this exercise, and actually the fruits of their endeavours have on many occasions been quite stimulating.

Please do not be so sensitive to perceived criticism. Like pain, it draws attention to an unhealthy state of things, and of course you have the option, (and I trust the maturity), to weigh it honestly and either reject or embrace such views expressed.

The most interesting question you pose though, regards the point of this forum? I can only answer for myself, but indulge me if I list a couple of them as follows:

1. Sharing writing & views & friendship with a fairly unique body of individuals. It sometimes amazes me how a piece of writing generated early morning in New Zealand for this forum is being read and commented on late evening in Los Angeles.

2. The range of characters, and knowledge, and the civility with which most of the correspondence is conducted. There are of course some unusual individuals that occasionally break from coven, and either try to shock or brawl, but on the whole it’s very stimulating, ( altercations & bloodletting including.)

Finally let me just say that I did not like your piece, but then, that is just a value judgment on my part. You give the impression of trying too hard to be original and experimental, and it does not work. Try relaxing a bit and read “Lady Windermere’s Fan.”

Regards
M.

[robertenem]

I was taught in the ways of commercialized writing. And frankly, I agree with you. It is not that I agree with the way literature is critiqued, I just know no other way. I have taken art courses and learned how to critique in there; I think that I should add more of this style to the way I analyze other's writing.

The purpose of the forum, at least to me, is to share writing with people all over the planet. If you just want people to read your work and perhaps give you a sentence or two about what was enjoyable - but not robotically analyze it, that is absolutely fine. If you want people to tell you what they liked and disliked artistically, that is also great. Just request these somewhere in your post. People are very respectful and versatile on here.

A general rule of thumb for the forum is that one should not make another venture to a distant site to read the post. I, for one, hate virtual pages, and the forum format does not have this, so that's why I like to read on here.

If you wouldn't mind explaining what was meant by the first (debunked) typo, I'm curious to know.

I'm glad you responded to what I had written to you and am looking forward to your future posts!

Welcome to the forum,
Mister Matthew Farlow.

To address the matter of the first 'typo': Instead of just writing "the worst is yet to come" I found it grotesquely satirical to write "cum" instead, referencing the intravesical acts of opium use described in the paragraph.

In regards to everything else, I guess I'm not really sure what I'm looking for, but I know that the kind of stuff I ran into in Creative Writing class is not it. Perhaps it is as simple as, those of you who are reading this may feel free to critique my writing, but don't expect what you say to change much of it. I think 9 times out of 10 it's more important to stay true to oneself, including one's own flaws, than to conform one's own writing to another's liking.

Also, to address something you had written in your previous post, I do agree that the parts are a bit short, but I found that, for the sake of this story, the extremely short bits had a way of unfolding the story one extreme scene at a time that could not be accomplished in the same manner if it were to be written as longer segments. I do agree that it forces pauses in writing, but that was intentional. The forced pauses, particularly for those who were reading the story day by day as I posted each part, allowed for each scene of the story to really sink in--or at least that's what I was shooting for. And so, perhaps you might reconsider reading through my story, despite you having to go through my virtual pages? I'm yet to receive much negative critique from those who have read it all the way through. If anything, you won't find it quite to your liking and will aid in knocking my ego down a bit.

Cheers, and Happy Belated New Year.

[robertenem]

The most interesting question you pose though, regards the point of this forum? I can only answer for myself, but indulge me if I list a couple of them as follows:

1. Sharing writing & views & friendship with a fairly unique body of individuals. It sometimes amazes me how a piece of writing generated early morning in New Zealand for this forum is being read and commented on late evening in Los Angeles.

2. The range of characters, and knowledge, and the civility with which most of the correspondence is conducted. There are of course some unusual individuals that occasionally break from coven, and either try to shock or brawl, but on the whole it’s very stimulating, ( altercations & bloodletting including.)
These seem like reasonable sentiments to me, as well.



Finally let me just say that I did not like your piece, but then, that is just a value judgment on my part. You give the impression of trying too hard to be original and experimental, and it does not work. Try relaxing a bit and read “Lady Windermere’s Fan.”

Regards
M.
I can understand your criticism here, but I am not sure what to say other than I think it's unfortunate that we disagree. The piece I've written here is written with the intentions of packing quite the punch for the sake of illustrating how much further one would have to take opiate use for it to be a hyperbole. To me, anything less would have fallen short of what I was trying to accomplish and would have just come off as a literal documentation of opiate use. Also: the subsequent pieces tone down a little bit and have their spikes of intensity scattered among them, so maybe you would give the next couple of parts a chance, as well?

As for your reading recommendation; I will look into it.

Thanks for the honest response. I appreciate it.

[MANICHAEAN]

Thanks for taking it so well. I guessed that either you would have gone into a huff and become a stud muffin or you would have fitted in well here. The latter is the case. Welcome aboard & I really will try to appreciate, if not, understand what you write. Excuse the flippency a la Oscar Wilde.
Best regards
M.

[hillwalker]

I'm a late arrival to the debate but was intrigued by several things you mentioned in passing.

1) Regardless of what anyone says, it is clear you are reluctant to change something just because others on here believe they know better.

Good for you - stick to your guns. But, don't make the mistake of so many delusional 'artists' who consider their work beyond reproach. For some, posting work on here produces an unexpected reality check. But surely better that than being told by friends and family that it's pure genius when in fact it's garbage.

2) you are posting on here to share your work (show it off even?) rather than to gain from the fountain of knowledge and experience of the masses who visit these pages regularly.

Ok. That's your choice and no one on here would try to change that. My own experience of creative Writing groups is that getting feedback is like drawing teeth - people are so reluctant to give an opinion face to face. At least on here most of us are genuine in our criticisms - no BS. But if you don't want feedback what's the point of posting in the first place?
It seems you have decided to write in a vacuum - purely for your own pleasure regardless of the reader (who is probably surplus to your requirements - unless he lavishes praise on your efforts).

I'm not criticising your writing, I'm criticising the purpose behind it. Either you want to be widely read, and have the conviction to take the good with the bad (and even the humility to accept that sometimes there are people who DO know better when it comes to writing skills) or you genuinely believe you are the finished article and this is just a showcase for your talents.

For now the jury's out..... but welcome, and I shall look forward to more of your posts.

H

[robertenem]

2) you are posting on here to share your work (show it off even?) rather than to gain from the fountain of knowledge and experience of the masses who visit these pages regularly.

Ok. That's your choice and no one on here would try to change that. My own experience of creative Writing groups is that getting feedback is like drawing teeth - people are so reluctant to give an opinion face to face. At least on here most of us are genuine in our criticisms - no BS. But if you don't want feedback what's the point of posting in the first place?
It seems you have decided to write in a vacuum - purely for your own pleasure regardless of the reader (who is probably surplus to your requirements - unless he lavishes praise on your efforts).

I'm not criticising your writing, I'm criticising the purpose behind it. Either you want to be widely read, and have the conviction to take the good with the bad (and even the humility to accept that sometimes there are people who DO know better when it comes to writing skills) or you genuinely believe you are the finished article and this is just a showcase for your talents.

For now the jury's out..... but welcome, and I shall look forward to more of your posts.

H

I do want to be widely read, but I would largely rather stay true to myself than change it for the sake of being read. With that said, I believe I am the finished article(in many respects) only in the sense that most changes or suggested changes to my writing would only be a subjective skew from a secondary point of view. I am completely willing to accept feedback, and do encourage it, so long as those giving me feedback are completely willing to accept that almost all of the time I won't be changing what I've written to fit their liking. With that said, I am a bit of a pragmatist, and this can be seen in the instance of the clear typo of the two potential typos that had been pointed out to me earlier in this thread that I did go back and edit.