Random Scattered City Daze

[robertenem]

Purple misted opaque twilight
reaching out across the skylight
hopeless heartfelt city days
form random scattered city daze

Essence screaming; such a highlight
their gleaming eyes become so bright
dwelling on the gridlock pays
chance to shine upon these rays


Originally posted on http://robertenem.wordpress.com/2010/12/23/random-scattered-city-daze/

[PrinceMyshkin]

I got rather quickly alienated from this by the feeling that you were going to make things rhyme, by hook or by crook, and it seemed like an exercise in cleverness and nothing more.

[robertenem]

I got rather quickly alienated from this by the feeling that you were going to make things rhyme, by hook or by crook, and it seemed like an exercise in cleverness and nothing more.

I'm sorry you feel that way. I, too, often feel that way when reading poetry. But on that note, I feel the poem is good on its own merit, and that the rhyming words fit. I'd like to invite you read some of the other poetry I have posted on my blog, though, as much of it does not rhyme quite so neatly.

[hillwalker]

I agree with Prince that this poem is more to do with maintaining strict meter and rhyme than conveying any sense to the reader of what you are trying to describe.

The phrase 'random scattered city daze' and the entire second stanza make almost no sense whatsoever.

The reader can pick up certain clues about the images you are trying to create by grasping at the straws you leave lying around, but as a poem that the reader can engage with it needs a rewrite imho.

H