Gilliatt Gurgle
12-24-2010, 09:06 AM
Ladies, gentlemen, fellow thespians and cryptologists alike, thank you coming out tonight on this chilly evening to enjoy the Cold Ale Blokes debut of their Christmas play.
You know, it has been said that you can’t judge a person until you’ve walked a mile (1.60934 Km) in their shoes. Tonight, the Blokes ask you to please join them for a legendary walk on the wild side, a walk made more difficult since you’ll be wearing size 30 shoes.
Our performance tonight was spawned from a randomly placed limerick posted a few weeks back on the Cold Ale Blokes thread, followed by the suggestion of creating a play. Given the spirit of the season coupled with a few litres of adult beverage and a Blokes natural tendency to escape reality, additional “poems” were being submitted faster than you could say skookum!
The challenge was to stitch the threadbare rags into some semblance of a functional quilt.
Without further adieu, we present…
A Cold Ale Blokes Production
In association with
Flat Earth Poets Society
Presents
”SHE STOMPS TO CONQUER”
A Christmas play in the manner of Goldsmith
Dramatis Personae
Bigfoot Foote
Madam Foote
Little Feete (Madam and Bigfoot’s children)
Cousin Yeti
First Clown from Scotland
Marry the Second Clown from Scotland
Yorkshire Minstrel
Trapp Family Singers
Village Idiot
Uncle Lefty
TBRC (One of their names is known as “Jocky”)
The Flat Earth Poets:
J=Jocky; P=Prendrelemick; PC=Paulclem; Gb=Gbrekken; G=Gilliatt TVZ= Townes van Zandt (Lyrics to Pancho and Lefty)
Act I
Scene I
(Setting: A small clearing among towering Loblolly pines and Sweetgums, somewhere in East Texas near the Louisiana border. Black Capped Chickadees are heard flitting about plucking seeds from pinecones, a Blue Jay periodically interrupts the Chickadees industrious foraging with their obnoxious squawks, armadillos struggle to auger the stiff January ground in search of grubs and nuts. Good ole boys can be heard in the distance whoop’n an holler’n an firing guns in a drunken mêlée. It is winter, “The Winter of our Discontent”. The musky odor of gigantopithecus permeates the whorefrost suspended in the crisp dawn air.)
(Two clowns from Scotland enter the clearing. Marry carries a cricket bat and espies a hollow log)
Marry the Second Clown:
There was a young dude called Gilliatt
who believed in Sasquatch and all of that
till he met Emmy Lou
whom he intercoursed in the zoo
and that was the end of the bigfoot younger brat 5 J
(Marry returns to her obsessive habit of knocking on a hollow log with her cricket bat)
First Clown:
Marry, methinks I see a ... nay I know not what, methinks it is nine times three doubly, doubly rebounded!
What ho a stranger comes hence.
(Aside) ... Cease thy damned knocking.
Softly, away, away....(Follow that)...... 9 J
(exeunt Clowns hastily as a Yorkshire Minstrel enters the clearing on the back of a pink Tup carrying a yard stick)
Yorkshire Minstrel:
I met a fool in the forest
So wrote the immortal Bard,
He lived upon the tourist,
And measured his feet by the yard. 13 P
(enter a troupe of Trapp Family Singers led by a buxom governess who hails from the Sunshine State. The Tup borne minstrel becomes flushed after gazing upon the governess. All join in unison, delivering what is presumed to be an overture to the tune of Pancho and Lefty http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TMPydiR4NaQ&feature=related : )
Trapp Family Singers:
Living in the woods my friend
Was gonna keep you aloof and lean
Now you wear your fur like iron
Your foot’s as big as Jethro Bodine 17 G/TVZ
You weren't your mama's only boy
But her favorite one it seems
She began to cry when you said goodbye
And went back to her Jack Links and beans 21 G/TVZ
(pause for commercial break- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GJF0cuYbYyI )
(refrain)
All the TBRC hunters say
They could have tranquilized him any day
They only let him slip away
To keep the legend alive I suppose. 25 G/TVZ
Lefty he can't sing the blues
He’s agitated by the size of his shoes
and choking on dander from Bigfoot’s fur
that ended up in Lefty's mouth." 29 G/TVZ
(repeat refrain)
(exeunt Trapp Family Singers, Yorkshire Minstrel and the presumed overture to neutral ground)
Scene II
(Setting: A cozy subterranean Bigfoot den tucked away deep in the forest. Adjacent to the den entrance, stands the abominable snowman, a proud sentry constructed by Madam and Bigfoot’s little feet. Inside, the scene is typical of a humble subterranean lodging, very much like Milne’s lodgings for “Winnie the Pooh”, “Rabbit”, et al.)
(Madam Foote leans toward cousin Yeti, points toward Bigfoot and whispers the following with pursed lips and disgusted tone regarding the sod she married)
Madam Foote:
Preening his fur by the fire,
A careless move on his part.
Fur balls sparked by the pyre,
He must now wear a wig to the mart. 33 G
Bigfoot (Yelling at Madam):
Go back to the heath
and snort some ale
conjure up more lines
so we may continue this tale. 37 G
To be or not to be bewigged.
To walk, or travel round well horsed,
(That line had to be re-jigged
to rhyme with intercoursed) 41 P
(Uncle Lefty can be heard in the parlor helping the children write a Christmas play for their school. The children’s faces look puzzled)
Uncle Lefty:
It behoves me not to rush our play
The epic will be a wrap by Xmas day
One must allow for unforeseen mishaps
bruised egos, disputes and well laid traps
Anon, the kilted one must flee the stage
To finish my chores or face Madam's rage. 47 J
Bigfoot: (Soliloquy – delivered while sitting on a chamber pot thumbing through Vanity Fair)
For Madam thinks she always rules the roost,
And so her ego I shall give a boost.
But as I scrub the dishes, wipe the plates,
And let her off to nightclubs with her mates,
I snigger to myself for I still know,
That even as I clean I rule the show.
To other's eye it seems my claim's a sham,
With all the work I have to sweat and cram.
And as you toast your friends and glasses clink
I know my place, it's she who only thinks. 57 PC
(Scene ends with Bigfoot tidying up, but forgetting to empty the chamber pot)
Scene III
(It is morning. Bigfoot, Madam and Cousin Yeti share breakfast
Bigfoot:
No use crying over spilt milk,
But lethal weapons of that ilk,
Those blunt, milk-jugg-knockers,
Should be kept firmly in their lockers.
Or handled with the utmost care,
Lest they ruin all your breakfast fare. 63 P
(The locker’s clasp fails. A tidal wave of mammantous flesh and fur sweeps breakfast vittles to the floor)
Madam:
Thou furry knave go sweep the floor
The Lucky Charms and grits du jour
Spotless I expect the floor to be
Or contents of my locker you’ll never see. 67 G
Go now and empty the chamber pot,
a loathsome task for thy male lot.
Let not a foul drop escape the rim
I’ll have you scrub the floor with your gin. 71 G
(Comic relief - enter the village idiot, (sorry gbrekken) from stage left wearing only a pair of crinkly chiffon chaps and pink Tup boa . Village idiot passes quickly across the stage with effeminate gait uttering the following in the voice of Paul Lynde - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=64hARhJYLeA&feature=related )
Village Idiot:
Never mind the 1ambus, I shall wait for the 2am bus 72 P
There once was a bloke in Ferntucky,
went to the bar to feel lucky,
twas not to be,
he sits in the tree, not even
feeling plucky. 77 Gb
(exeunt village idiot. End of Act I)
Act II
Scene I
(A team of TBRC hunters gear up for a Bigfoot expedition. One of their members runs back to his Vespa with a vacuum cleaner strapped across the handle bars and disappears into the woods)
TBRC:
Our bigfoot expedition is delayed
Not for logistical manouvering,
But while Jocky finishes the hoovering. 80 P
(enter the two clowns from Scotland who come upon the remaining TBRC members. The clowns having become aroused by the site of camouflage and tranquilizer guns, launch into a rapid exchange in an attempt to win the heart of these would be consorts
Marry: There was a young dude from Mafaking
First Clown: Enough of your Lim- rick- ing
Marry: Who told all the world he could sing
First Clown:Hold! enough of that din
Marry:But alas every note
First Clown:I would not give a groat
Marry Was like a young stoat,
First Clown For what hies from your throat,
Marry Being flung from a fell Berber's sling.
First Clown And the rest is silence. -Thank god. 90 P
(The clowns inform the TBRC, they had spotted one of their members on a Vespa heading into the Bigfoot lair and lead them to it
First Clown:
hush now we approach the Bigfoot's lair
(Exuent, persued by a bear) 92 P
Scene II
(inside the den. A kilted Bigfoot is hoovering around Madam’s feet.)
Madam:
That'll teach you to make hay on forbidden lawns. 93 P
THE END
(Curtains close momentarily allowing the thespians to gather for curtain calls amidst the uproarious applause from the Forums)
Merry Christmas to all
.
You know, it has been said that you can’t judge a person until you’ve walked a mile (1.60934 Km) in their shoes. Tonight, the Blokes ask you to please join them for a legendary walk on the wild side, a walk made more difficult since you’ll be wearing size 30 shoes.
Our performance tonight was spawned from a randomly placed limerick posted a few weeks back on the Cold Ale Blokes thread, followed by the suggestion of creating a play. Given the spirit of the season coupled with a few litres of adult beverage and a Blokes natural tendency to escape reality, additional “poems” were being submitted faster than you could say skookum!
The challenge was to stitch the threadbare rags into some semblance of a functional quilt.
Without further adieu, we present…
A Cold Ale Blokes Production
In association with
Flat Earth Poets Society
Presents
”SHE STOMPS TO CONQUER”
A Christmas play in the manner of Goldsmith
Dramatis Personae
Bigfoot Foote
Madam Foote
Little Feete (Madam and Bigfoot’s children)
Cousin Yeti
First Clown from Scotland
Marry the Second Clown from Scotland
Yorkshire Minstrel
Trapp Family Singers
Village Idiot
Uncle Lefty
TBRC (One of their names is known as “Jocky”)
The Flat Earth Poets:
J=Jocky; P=Prendrelemick; PC=Paulclem; Gb=Gbrekken; G=Gilliatt TVZ= Townes van Zandt (Lyrics to Pancho and Lefty)
Act I
Scene I
(Setting: A small clearing among towering Loblolly pines and Sweetgums, somewhere in East Texas near the Louisiana border. Black Capped Chickadees are heard flitting about plucking seeds from pinecones, a Blue Jay periodically interrupts the Chickadees industrious foraging with their obnoxious squawks, armadillos struggle to auger the stiff January ground in search of grubs and nuts. Good ole boys can be heard in the distance whoop’n an holler’n an firing guns in a drunken mêlée. It is winter, “The Winter of our Discontent”. The musky odor of gigantopithecus permeates the whorefrost suspended in the crisp dawn air.)
(Two clowns from Scotland enter the clearing. Marry carries a cricket bat and espies a hollow log)
Marry the Second Clown:
There was a young dude called Gilliatt
who believed in Sasquatch and all of that
till he met Emmy Lou
whom he intercoursed in the zoo
and that was the end of the bigfoot younger brat 5 J
(Marry returns to her obsessive habit of knocking on a hollow log with her cricket bat)
First Clown:
Marry, methinks I see a ... nay I know not what, methinks it is nine times three doubly, doubly rebounded!
What ho a stranger comes hence.
(Aside) ... Cease thy damned knocking.
Softly, away, away....(Follow that)...... 9 J
(exeunt Clowns hastily as a Yorkshire Minstrel enters the clearing on the back of a pink Tup carrying a yard stick)
Yorkshire Minstrel:
I met a fool in the forest
So wrote the immortal Bard,
He lived upon the tourist,
And measured his feet by the yard. 13 P
(enter a troupe of Trapp Family Singers led by a buxom governess who hails from the Sunshine State. The Tup borne minstrel becomes flushed after gazing upon the governess. All join in unison, delivering what is presumed to be an overture to the tune of Pancho and Lefty http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TMPydiR4NaQ&feature=related : )
Trapp Family Singers:
Living in the woods my friend
Was gonna keep you aloof and lean
Now you wear your fur like iron
Your foot’s as big as Jethro Bodine 17 G/TVZ
You weren't your mama's only boy
But her favorite one it seems
She began to cry when you said goodbye
And went back to her Jack Links and beans 21 G/TVZ
(pause for commercial break- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GJF0cuYbYyI )
(refrain)
All the TBRC hunters say
They could have tranquilized him any day
They only let him slip away
To keep the legend alive I suppose. 25 G/TVZ
Lefty he can't sing the blues
He’s agitated by the size of his shoes
and choking on dander from Bigfoot’s fur
that ended up in Lefty's mouth." 29 G/TVZ
(repeat refrain)
(exeunt Trapp Family Singers, Yorkshire Minstrel and the presumed overture to neutral ground)
Scene II
(Setting: A cozy subterranean Bigfoot den tucked away deep in the forest. Adjacent to the den entrance, stands the abominable snowman, a proud sentry constructed by Madam and Bigfoot’s little feet. Inside, the scene is typical of a humble subterranean lodging, very much like Milne’s lodgings for “Winnie the Pooh”, “Rabbit”, et al.)
(Madam Foote leans toward cousin Yeti, points toward Bigfoot and whispers the following with pursed lips and disgusted tone regarding the sod she married)
Madam Foote:
Preening his fur by the fire,
A careless move on his part.
Fur balls sparked by the pyre,
He must now wear a wig to the mart. 33 G
Bigfoot (Yelling at Madam):
Go back to the heath
and snort some ale
conjure up more lines
so we may continue this tale. 37 G
To be or not to be bewigged.
To walk, or travel round well horsed,
(That line had to be re-jigged
to rhyme with intercoursed) 41 P
(Uncle Lefty can be heard in the parlor helping the children write a Christmas play for their school. The children’s faces look puzzled)
Uncle Lefty:
It behoves me not to rush our play
The epic will be a wrap by Xmas day
One must allow for unforeseen mishaps
bruised egos, disputes and well laid traps
Anon, the kilted one must flee the stage
To finish my chores or face Madam's rage. 47 J
Bigfoot: (Soliloquy – delivered while sitting on a chamber pot thumbing through Vanity Fair)
For Madam thinks she always rules the roost,
And so her ego I shall give a boost.
But as I scrub the dishes, wipe the plates,
And let her off to nightclubs with her mates,
I snigger to myself for I still know,
That even as I clean I rule the show.
To other's eye it seems my claim's a sham,
With all the work I have to sweat and cram.
And as you toast your friends and glasses clink
I know my place, it's she who only thinks. 57 PC
(Scene ends with Bigfoot tidying up, but forgetting to empty the chamber pot)
Scene III
(It is morning. Bigfoot, Madam and Cousin Yeti share breakfast
Bigfoot:
No use crying over spilt milk,
But lethal weapons of that ilk,
Those blunt, milk-jugg-knockers,
Should be kept firmly in their lockers.
Or handled with the utmost care,
Lest they ruin all your breakfast fare. 63 P
(The locker’s clasp fails. A tidal wave of mammantous flesh and fur sweeps breakfast vittles to the floor)
Madam:
Thou furry knave go sweep the floor
The Lucky Charms and grits du jour
Spotless I expect the floor to be
Or contents of my locker you’ll never see. 67 G
Go now and empty the chamber pot,
a loathsome task for thy male lot.
Let not a foul drop escape the rim
I’ll have you scrub the floor with your gin. 71 G
(Comic relief - enter the village idiot, (sorry gbrekken) from stage left wearing only a pair of crinkly chiffon chaps and pink Tup boa . Village idiot passes quickly across the stage with effeminate gait uttering the following in the voice of Paul Lynde - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=64hARhJYLeA&feature=related )
Village Idiot:
Never mind the 1ambus, I shall wait for the 2am bus 72 P
There once was a bloke in Ferntucky,
went to the bar to feel lucky,
twas not to be,
he sits in the tree, not even
feeling plucky. 77 Gb
(exeunt village idiot. End of Act I)
Act II
Scene I
(A team of TBRC hunters gear up for a Bigfoot expedition. One of their members runs back to his Vespa with a vacuum cleaner strapped across the handle bars and disappears into the woods)
TBRC:
Our bigfoot expedition is delayed
Not for logistical manouvering,
But while Jocky finishes the hoovering. 80 P
(enter the two clowns from Scotland who come upon the remaining TBRC members. The clowns having become aroused by the site of camouflage and tranquilizer guns, launch into a rapid exchange in an attempt to win the heart of these would be consorts
Marry: There was a young dude from Mafaking
First Clown: Enough of your Lim- rick- ing
Marry: Who told all the world he could sing
First Clown:Hold! enough of that din
Marry:But alas every note
First Clown:I would not give a groat
Marry Was like a young stoat,
First Clown For what hies from your throat,
Marry Being flung from a fell Berber's sling.
First Clown And the rest is silence. -Thank god. 90 P
(The clowns inform the TBRC, they had spotted one of their members on a Vespa heading into the Bigfoot lair and lead them to it
First Clown:
hush now we approach the Bigfoot's lair
(Exuent, persued by a bear) 92 P
Scene II
(inside the den. A kilted Bigfoot is hoovering around Madam’s feet.)
Madam:
That'll teach you to make hay on forbidden lawns. 93 P
THE END
(Curtains close momentarily allowing the thespians to gather for curtain calls amidst the uproarious applause from the Forums)
Merry Christmas to all
.