Parasitic relationship

[Grit]

mouth dry, so hot i could die/ these men, aren't my friends/ They're the forgotten, completely rotten/ with their recycled rifles and terrible titles/ cocaine cut with gun powder/ guns deafen so scream louder/ guerilla warfare, but who's the enemy, we don't care/ kid you got money?/ we'll cut open your tummy/ and we'll eat your insides/ just to stay alive/ desperate souls know no god/ but god doesn't know this place/ a dark land, won't show his white face/ i swear i saw the devil among the yellow grass/ hopelessly fighting, we attend his last mass./

Hey, I'm fairly new to writing poetry and I'd love any thoughts or advice on my work. Advice on rhyme schemes/diction or things that don't work in this piece would be MUCH appreciated. Am I too on the nose?

[hillwalker]

It's an ambitious piece as far as style is concerned (written as a paragraph of prose rather than in verse form) but that doesn't really matter.

My main problem is the feeling that the tail is wagging the dog - you're relying on rhyme to determine what words you use (and so are resitricted to what you say).

Lines like 'Mouth dry/so hot I could die' - 'They're the forgotten/completely rotten' - 'with their recycled rifles and terrible titles' - are rather vague.
Can one actually die from having a dry mouth? If they're 'forgotten' how come you remembered them? and what exactly are 'terrible titles'? And the devil was in the 'yellow grass' presumably so there'd be something to rhyme with 'mass' at the end.

I'm being extra-critical here - but in such a short poem every line has to count. In the case of this most of them looked rather uncomfortable.

There's the basis for a very powerful, hard-hitting poem here. But you need to go back to the start - figure out what images and themes you wanted to use to illustrate the horrors of war (?) and write from your head rather than from a rhyming dictionary. In my opinion rhyme is over-rated and has been the downfall of many aspiring writers. Do yourself a favour and concentrate on expressing yourself first - then there'll come a time when you are in such control that you can put rhyme to use rather than letting it take over the way it has here.

H

[Grit]

Thank you for your advice/critique Hill and no you weren't being "extra-critical", I really appreciate it. I knew something was very wrong with most of the poems I've been writing and what you have said seems about right. I haven't actually gone to the rhyming dictionary haha but I was thinking of rhyme first and then trying to convey message. I shall heed your words in my next piece. Thanks again, Happy Holidays ! :hat: :D :) :smilielol5:

[hillwalker]

And to you, Grit.

H

[PrinceMyshkin]

To Hillwalker's very sage advice I would add only: back off from subjects as sensational as this. The situation you chose practically dictates that anything you say about it is going to be over the top.

The most frequent advice given to novice writers is Write about what you know which the very great short-story writer Grace Paley amended to "Write about what you don't know about what you know."