PDA

View Full Version : The Intrepid ( First short story )



Dark Ninja
12-23-2010, 04:44 PM
Ok, so far all I've managed to do is the prologue and a first chapter. I would appreciate any criticism and would very much like advice! So, without further ado, I give you my story!


Prologue:

During the 21st century, human technology hit many major breakthroughs, though none were as important as FTL ( Faster than light travel). With this new find, our planet took several major leaps in technological advances. Satalites were able to be sent further into space. Humans could now search for other planets to colonise. a century's worth of change flew through the eyes of the world in all but a decade. The construction of hover cars and other sci-fi dreams were made possible by the new technology.

After many more years, the humans had managed to create the first interstellar spaceshuttle. "HMS Intrepid". The ship was launched from Londons custom built spaceport, staying in orbit until all systems had been checked through. The crew of the ship was made up of leading scienists and other important figure heads. Whilst leaving few spaces open for the public and other volunteers. The ship also had it's own security, to protect the valuable cargo of Earths brighest minds.
The ship was launched in the first few months of 2087. The ship was escorted past our solar system, dwarfing the other vessels. At over 2 miles long it was the largest ship in existence. As it passed the escorts range, it fired up the FTL drives, launching itself into the cold dark depths of space. As the months passed, constant streams of data was sent back to the observers at Earth. Gaining information on materials and planets in a bid to find other ways of fueling the now bustling industry.

Years went by, with the ship still speeding through space in FTL. Some of the crew had fallen sick, reasons were given due to time being unstable in FTL. More and more of the crew were falling ill, this data was constantly sent back. Allowing researchers back at Earth to continue to develop more effective means of FTL travel. Many more months went past, contact with the ship was becoming less and less frequent. Until it stopped completely. Mission controllers at Earth tried for months to get a message out, to no avail. Hope was regained when a messaage was finnaly recieved, though it soon disappeared. The message read:
To EIOC (Earth Interstellar Observation and communication group) - Ship lost. 98% crew dead. sentient life found. Hostile. transformations. help.

That was the last they ever heard from the HMS Intrepid.


Chapter 1:

A soft hiss echoed around the room, flashing lights were buzzing slowly flooding the area in a red light. A man dropped from a cryotube, clutching his head. As he came too he stumbled, holding onto the railing. as he stood and moved his hand away from the tube, a name tag was revealed. "Private Hudson".

Hudson scrambled around on the floor, his breaths coming short and fast. Slowly Hudson stood up, still clutching his head, he looked around the room. The dark metallic walls, littered with piping and wires, glowing red in the light emitted from the emergency strips. In the corner stood several lockers, making his way to them he found his. Clumsily opening the metal box, he withdrew clothing and his webbing. As he changed from his cryosuit into the navy blue security uniform, he reviewed his job uplink. Nothing showed up.
"Thats strange?" He said to himself as he tapped the side of the pad.
Chucking his webbing over one shoulder, he slide his arm through the other opening, zipping the vest. Looking back at the cryotubes, all but one had been opened. He stood, confused, for a moment before picking up his standard issue laspistol and strapping it to his holster.
Hudson made his way to the door. It remained shut. "Open." He ordered.
With a hiss, the doors slide to the side, revealing the lobby. Inside, a weak light flickered. The strobelighting hung from the roof, blood smeared across the walls and floor. Hudson took it all in, easing his hand onto his pistol he stepped slowly out of the cryoroom, scanning the lobby. Raising his pistol, he slung the flash light underneath and made his way across the room, towards the exit.


The door opened, with a low hiss. Beyond it lay a darkened corridor, a light flashing in the distance. Debris was littered along the corridor, covered in blood, which gleamed in the low light. As Hudson took a step out into the corridor, a noise came from the ventilation shaft. A scratching, like bone being dragged across metal. It was coming closer. The odd bang, as if someone was crawling followed. Hudson unsheathed his pistol, aiming it at the vent, taking a step back. As he did, he kicked a small piece of debris, which rolled along the corridor, clanging as it went. The scratching and banging stopped. Hudson held his breath. His heartbeat racing, a smell of rotting meat flowed over his senses. looking to his side, a corpse lay, torn to shreds, deep slash wounds across it's torso. the mutilated corpse was unrecognisable. Panic flooding over him, Hudson stepped back into the lobby, closing the door behind him.

Staring around the dark, ruined room, Hudson thought. This wasn't a military vessel. There were no bigger weapons. What ever was happening out there had obviously happened across the entire ship. Even if he sent a distress signal, it would be years before anyone could reach them. The helplessness washed over him, he was stranded. Possibly alone, on a ship with something hostile. He was a security guard, not a soldier. He looked at the pistol in his hands, this was all he had. Checking the ammo counter, he registered thirty high-powered shots. He needed more. Without a second glance, he made his way back to the cryoroom. Tearing through the lockers. He found one more clip.
"Well, sixties better than thirty..." He said, a bleak look being worn.

A sudden smash in the lobby made Hudson stop. He turned, facing the door. Several more smashes came from the room. A low pitch growl followed. Taking a step back, Hudson flattened himself against the wall. A thud came as the door buckled, it held. Just. Another thud. The door caved inwards, still holding. His heartbeat now racing, Hudson raised the pistol, aiming it at the centre of the doorway. His hands were shaking, his eyes wide in fear. Another thud. A small space was visible at the top of the door as it bent inwards. A loud growl echoed through the room.
"Hello?" someone shouted.
Hudson closed his eye's. He couldn't help them.
"Hello? whats going on!"
A smash came from the other room, something had climbed into the air ducts. Hudson looked towards the doorway. He heard the hiss as the lobby doors opened. He couldn't go out. He knew what was happening.
"Hello? Security? What's going o-" A loud thud came, as whatever was out there smashed out of the roof. A scream came. The power went off. Flushed into complete darkness, Hudson sat, frozen in fear against the wall, The agonising screams from whoever was out there, mixed with the savage growling and sounds of tearing flesh filling the air. The screaming stopped. The lights came back on. Through the gap in the doorway, Hudson seen a corpse being dragged into the vents. He clutched his head in his hands, sliding to the floor and dragging his knees in closer to his chest. The pistol laying at his side. He was bathed in darkness as the emergency lights dimmed, only to be illuminated in a deep red as they flashed back on. He started sobbing slowly.

ZiggyStardust
12-23-2010, 05:02 PM
Interesting! You have a nice imagination there! My concerns thus far were the grammatical errors and some issues with clarity. As for the grammar I'm assuming that this is just a rough draft, right? And as for the clarity, there was really just one thing that bothered me a little bit, and that was the fact that the world's brightest minds and most important people were sent into space. Why only them? Are you going to explain this later on?

All in all I must say I like it! It has some real potential, and I think you should keep going!

hillwalker
12-23-2010, 05:49 PM
Science fiction - can be either brilliantly futuristic, or hopelessly old-fashioned. Parts of this story suggest we have advanced as a species..... yet we still have someone struggling to fit 'clips' into a pistol??? I think not.

But that, of course, can be remedied with a little lateral thinking.

As for the story itself - typos and grammatical errors apart - the introductory paragraph is a little too text-bookish. And if the story/novel is any good, the reader will soon pick up on the fact that it's set in the future when FTL is possible. So my advice would be discard this and let's jump straight into the story.

Chapter 1 - paragraph 1. probably the worst-written of the lot. Because you have not read through it again and spotted the annoying repetitions :

A soft hiss echoed around the room, flashing lights were buzzing slowly flooding the room in a red light. A man dropped from a cryotube, cluching his head. As he came too, he stumbled, holding onto the Cryotube. Removing his hand from the tube, a name tag was revealed. "Private Hudson".

Anyone reading this far is in danger of assuming the story is going to continue in the same vein, but fortunately it does improve. But there's still a lot that could be trimmed away to make it move a little more quickly. After all, I'm assuming it's meant to be an action-packed story.

e.g. this underlined sentence is totally unnecessary.

Hudson made his way to the door. It remained shut. "Open." He ordered.

Also describing someone actually speaking to themselves is a tiresome habit - no one does it in real life so why have your hero making observations about what he sees or what he is doing?

There's some work to be done to cut this into shape - but you seem to be having fun so get on with it..... and good luck.

H

Dark Ninja
12-23-2010, 05:51 PM
Interesting! You have a nice imagination there! My concerns thus far were the grammatical errors and some issues with clarity. As for the grammar I'm assuming that this is just a rough draft, right? And as for the clarity, there was really just one thing that bothered me a little bit, and that was the fact that the world's brightest minds and most important people were sent into space. Why only them? Are you going to explain this later on?

All in all I must say I like it! It has some real potential, and I think you should keep going!

Yeah, I also typed it up in notepad. So, that probably hasn't helped!

As for the brightest minds and important scientists being sent, I intended for it to be a research vessel, scouting potential planets to colonise and studying and documenting any discoveries made. I'll make that clearer in the second draft.

Another thing, if you wouldn't mind? Could you please point out any grammatical errors? I'm aiming to improve my writing, so anything you can point out and correct me on would be much appreciated!


Other than that, thank you! :)

Dark Ninja
12-23-2010, 05:57 PM
Science fiction - can be either brilliantly futuristic, or hopelessly old-fashioned. Parts of this story suggest we have advanced as a species..... yet we still have someone struggling to fit 'clips' into a pistol??? I think not.

But that, of course, can be remedied with a little lateral thinking.

As for the story itself - typos and grammatical errors apart - the introductory paragraph is a little too text-bookish. And if the story/novel is any good, the reader will soon pick up on the fact that it's set in the future when FTL is possible. So my advice would be discard this and let's jump straight into the story.

Chapter 1 - paragraph 1. probably the worst-written of the lot. Because you have not read through it again and spotted the annoying repetitions :

A soft hiss echoed around the room, flashing lights were buzzing slowly flooding the room in a red light. A man dropped from a cryotube, cluching his head. As he came too, he stumbled, holding onto the Cryotube. Removing his hand from the tube, a name tag was revealed. "Private Hudson".

Anyone reading this far is in danger of assuming the story is going to continue in the same vein, but fortunately it does improve. But there's still a lot that could be trimmed away to make it move a little more quickly. After all, I'm assuming it's meant to be an action-packed story.

e.g. this underlined sentence is totally unnecessary.

Hudson made his way to the door. It remained shut. "Open." He ordered.

Also describing someone actually speaking to themselves is a tiresome habit - no one does it in real life so why have your hero making observations about what he sees or what he is doing?

There's some work to be done to cut this into shape - but you seem to be having fun so get on with it..... and good luck.

H

I did intend to read through it again, but I guess I got lazy!

As for the start of chapter one, I was toying with lots of ideas, so when it came to writing, I think I rushed that part, as new ideas came to me. I'll have another read over it and see what I can change!

As for "Struggling to fit clips into a pistol", I was trying to make it seem like he was panicking, I'll re-read that and see what I can do.

Thanks for the feedback! I'll get to work having a read through and tinkering with it!