Whiteout

[nikst3r]

Hey guys,

My name's Nikki - I'm new to both fiction writing, as well as this forum.
I just wanted to share a story in hopes of getting some constructive criticism and improving my work.

The story is definitely formatted a lot, so it would be difficult for me to post it here and re-format everything (I tried, it's too much work). I see that this is frowned upon, but if you could please check it out on my blog, that would be great: http://ampedvoices.org/entertainment/whiteout-a-short-story/

Any and all input is appreciated!

Thank you!

-Nikki

[MystyrMystyry]

Needs a little tightening or expanding if you turn it into a novella/novel.

Also a bit too much talking that isn't actually serving the story. You can get away with it in something longer, where it's looked forward to as a break from too much description. But it still has to be relevant to a large degree - or funny/poignant to really expand on the characters

There was almost so much I didn't really get the feeling I knew who was whom, and the effort to decipher some of it was completely lost

It's competently written and grammatically correct, of which you should be justifiably proud, just-long winded in areas that should be creating tension and certain imagery that could have been used to fill out the world was just... missing

Don't ditch it, it could easily be made a whole lot better, just be prepared to return to it from tme to time as you learn more about the process

Most serious writers write in chunky drafts - whole swathes get completely rewritten after a bit of distance and subconscious musing, which is not hard work - more a meditation once you find the zone

But keep it up - I look forward to your next one :)

[hillwalker]

I'm with MM on a couple of important points -

The moment Kelly (?) came into the office I began to lose track of who everyone was - I thought I'd missed a cue earler in the plot when Nicole's name cropped up for example. That entire scene seemed rather contrived.

Also in quite a few places the dialogue is too long. People don't normally talk that way (even teenaged girls believe it or not). Most tend to speak in tiny, random blurts, often not even managing to complete a sentence.
A lot of the dialogue was too similar in style to the writer's own 'voice' - if that makes sense. Using a more natural speech pattern in a story often makes it flow more easily.
Having such long paragraphs of dialogue that only serve as filler are not a good idea unless you are working on a block-buster novel. Even then it's all about pace.

The piece could certainly be tightened up as well. It seemed to fall a little flat 3/4 of the way through once Vince is out of hospital.
You have no need to be concerned about your ability as a writer. You have the skills in place which is more than some would-be writers, but you do need to learn to be ruthless and discard anything that does not add to character or plot development.

So having torn it to shreds I'll admit it was enjoyable (even if it's probably chic-lit - not a genre I'm a huge fan of). The two main characters were believable and I think you could probably have got a bit more out of the culture clash between the pair.

I hope you'll let us see more of your work.

H