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YRKB
12-21-2010, 06:56 PM
The Lieyed. The country's elite class. Their forefathers took the land from the Daeyed people almost 3 centuries ago, as the legacy goes, a ship of only 76 men that crashed on the southernmost coast.

The foreign men encountered the first of the natives only days into their forages - they were quick and merciless with their attack. Pistols and cutlasses wielded brutually amongst the mass, ignorant of such intricate tools of warcraft. They left only a few young boys for which they communicated, the best way they could, to spread the word amongst the settlements they knew - a group left with them, armed and thirsty to be lore's saints in the sudden, unexpected conquest for the virgin plains.

The Daeyed were a people of all colours and shapes - a mix of browns, tans, pinks and peaches long merged before the Lieyed presence. Fine blonde hair to coarser, tight black - an exotic, rainbow people.

It was their eyes that bound them. Almost all of their eyes a rich, intense brown-black.

The Lieyed were a blue eyed people. From climates cold and fair. The wiry, rotten and expelled underclass of a distant nation - but now with a distinct purpose, the founders of their own.

It was the eyes, this difference that would see them exalted to a high glory.

In the years that followed the Daeyed rebellions against the foreign might were crushed swiftly, with the aid of the oncoming Lieyed men - who heard of the boundless potential that propagated the far lands. The broken Daeyed people were rounded up in the Lieyed settlements - and while the women worked under the instruction of the few foreign women in their homes, the Daeyed men toiled to expand the Lieyed towns and villages. Their children educated to understand why in the Lieyed schools...

The Lieyed were people sent by God, with eyes of shock, fair blue because they held the light of his glory - his message and it's power within. The Lieyed people, quite literally, were those who had seen the light.

How could the Daeyed argue? They knew nothing of the foreign people and their true motives. Their own education and understanding of the world at large was so vastly different. The very occurrence of such a cryptic change in life as they knew it, for many, was compelling enough.

And so the lands became Lieyed.

In the years, the towns swelled and rose - the Lieyed people crossed the seas and took status bequeathed to them at the helm of a new society. They mimicked the ways of the elite who had once ruled them, bought fought them savagely in the seas and shores surrounding their land of glory - never again could they be any less than what they themselves had created.

Lieyed men took Daeyed women; and when brown eyed sons were born, tossed them back to her tainted arms. The rare blessing of a blue eyed boy or girl, meant a life of privilege and esteem. Such children were often taken into the father's fold without question, their mother forgotten - or used again in the high hope she could make it a trait.

The prestige afforded Daeyed women who birthed a blue eyed child amongst her own was great. A vessel of the supreme.

Grey, Green eyed, Hazel and Amber came too. Orphanages were created for such cases, who had no true place in such a society. No real home. Their numbers rose steadily, to great chargrin and soon the system was revised. A societal ranking order was re-drafted. Blue eyed Lieyeds at the top. Brown eyed Dieyeds at the bottom. Separate districts were created for all other eye colours and administration agencies established to ensure their efficient, divided run.

The Grey eyed, closest to blue - and somewhat favoured for their rarity, assumed in-waiting roles and top level positions in Lieyed households and business. Their would always be a glass ceiling but the thud upon impact for these lucky few was faint. They quickly became known for their haughty ways and mimicry of the Lieyed lifestyle in their own settlements. They also took Daeyed servants - for some it was the only way they could keep their families with them - and even, for extravagance sake, butlers from the lower Green eyed intellectual set.

The introduction of the media was quick to propagate the Lieyed beauty ideal. The very fairest of eyes. The bluer the better...

Songs sung of wealthy, charming blue eyed girls - sure to marry well, with no dearth of interest. Adverts showed them happy with their Lieyed husbands and children.

The education continued, less emphatic than before - if only for the reason that it was now unnecessary. The legend of the 76 would not be forgotten.


Copyright Yafeu-Khamisi Rodway-Brown

Jack of Hearts
12-24-2010, 03:53 AM
One thing I like about the story is the way it ends. The closing reference to the legend described at the begining is carefully presented and interesting.

Largely, though, there's not much logical flow to the way this is presented. Consider the awkwardness at the begining where the legend is first presented. Your reader is given a grand, sweeping view of not one but two cultures and then you move on to describe the intimacies of a legendary battle, only to return to the grand cultural reconstruction yet again. That's enough to give a reader whiplash. This large view is as involving as a history text. What did you want your reader to get out of this? If it's intended allegory or metaphor it would surely benefit from a more emotional inclusion because by the end you reader isn't sure why he should be invested at all. You need to answer this question: why should anybody care about your one culture oppressing the other? There are a lot of good reasons, you just have to show them.

J