julian94
12-20-2010, 07:29 PM
Hello everybody. This is an incomplete sort of essay that I made to express my newfound thoughts about failing is is and succeeding. This is still incomplete and please don't hesitate to point out if you think that I am being ignorant. Afterall I still even have not spent the half of my life, I am only 16. I am very sorry for my grammatical errors and bad writing (syntax, structure, etc.), that is because I never actually wrote something officially, just some diary entries with me being the sole reader as well as the writer. Feel free to comment on it and even suggest techniques, what I should have written to improve my writing skills. Thank you! Enjoy... or not.
Failure
Listening to Adora's Svitak's Ted talk was both insightful and kind of encouraging. As I am reaching to adulthood, I have taken more responsibility to my own actions and unconsciously think about the future. My imagination is replaced by mundane thinking. I seriously felt being imprisoned in a metaphysical bubble and my homework as the metaphor of prison, not because of it's apparent difficulty nor it's appalling amount that piled up like the mythical mountain of smoky mountains of the Philippines but rather the fact that I myself wanted more, not for the joy of it-- scratch English-- but rather because of my own fear of failing my future and inevitably leading to social death. I know many of you may think how in the world a 16 year old guy who plays MMORPG all day long and constantly relies on his divine metabolism to stay away from fatness whilst eating tons of junkfood that can clog 3 toilet bowls and never do sports (well except... if you can consider that as a....never mind)...but I was scared, and literally having an imagery of myself as a girl curled in her bed, holding her favourite stuffed toy, invisible tears where constantly falling on my cheeks. I have been driven by the feeling of failure as much as my desire for success. To the point that my conception of failure is not too far below to an average person's perspective of success. However, I don't really think that it's bad for it to be like that, this will be discussed later.
After her speech I began to enter a state of reflexive thinking, of self-evaluation. Through the course I found the answer-- well not really the answer, more of a eureka moment-- I discovered or started thinking (I really don't know how to express myself, do I...) that failure itself is just a fool's word for experience. I know it might be harsh to say it but in a way we are sort of governed by fools aren't we? We are encouraged to renounce our dreams and opt for boring-as-hell jobs such as being a lousy accountant or a store clerk. The majority of us are told to, directly or indirectly, to start being realistic and practical. What if our dreams become our reality? Those who only manage to fulfill their dreams are just the people who are naturally talented or gifted, those who aren't as much talented scared to pursue because they have been mentally preconditioned to steer away from failure. Why? Because it is 'a waste of time'. Because it just 'consumes time'. Yes and these are just to name a few of the excuses that people say to themselves to not try to fulfill their dream, a complete list would take a lifetime! However, as understandable as these excuses may be, I think there is this common factor among them all, which is the fear of failure and rejection. Indeed, from birth our minds have been engineered to reject these kind of things because these don't lead to enhancing our lives. Our expectations of ourselves are limited to the smallest possible factor of satisfaction, the easiest one attainable, not too much of hardships and failures included. Moreover as we grow up, this kind of thinking only goes on growing and growing until it is almost too late to recuperate from it our childlike thinking is shattered by our 'practical thinking' because it is more 'logical' to think like this. Our imaginations cease to exist day by day until we just content ourselves by reading the newspapers and looking at the news, when we see somebody die, we subconsciouly think “God bless his soul” and our happiness is centered around whether our football team has won a game or a long-awaited video game has been released. Our happiness is centered around ready-made man-made products.But as I ruminate on these thoughts, I begin to wonder myself, is this really true happiness?
I remember when I was a kid I used to climb this milk fruit tree in our garden and my mom (or my neighbour) would yell at me, afraid that I might fall down. Afterwards, I would be grounded for a couple of days. That did not stop me though from climbing that tree, I had this feeling of freedom and immense fulfillment as soon as I surpassed myself by climbing higher, it was an indescribable feeling, must be due to the lack of vocabulary. I can't feel that feeling anymore but I knew, I remember that it was so exciting and not to mention that climbing itself was also fun.
It was a sunny day and the sky was bright blue, the sun was shining and I was ready for another climb. It was also unbearably hot, I felt like I was melting and that is saying a lot considering that I just had a cold shower, I honestly thought that it was hotter than hell itself. I head to the exit of my house, I open the door then immediately let go of it forgetting that it was made of steel and so becomes really hot if the day is hot. I open the door again this time holding the rubber part of the knob, I go outside then put my flip-flops which were beside the entrance on my feet. It was hot, scorching hot, but this is a normal summer day in the Philippines so I was kind of used to it. As sweat continually drips from my forehead to my neck eventually drenching my t-shirt, as if I just went swimming with my clothes on, I head for the alleged milk fruit tree, about 50 meters from our house, can't be sure though. As I stand next to this tree, I prepared myself, I wiped my sweaty hand with my shorts and started climbing. While I go higher I felt this sort of adrenaline (did not know this word before) rushing through me, excitement and pleasure started to manifest themselves, coming instantaneously, harmonious and twinlike.
I looked down and fear began to run through my spine... but instead of freezing and and climb-down because of fear I did something extremely rash, stupid to some but novel, I continued to climb and to climb and to climb, I wanted to feel like angels, not birds, I wanted to see things from up high, higher than before, reaching the top peak of the tree, fire was burning on my eyes as I strive for the top. Fear started to falter and I felt relieved. The latter was not because that I had reached the top but rather because I manage to surpass my fear and erase an inessential part of me. Had I climbed down and let the fear get the best of me nothing would have changed, I could have lived my life the same way as before but living life so cautiously, opting not to climb the tree, would that feel not living at all? I was six at that time but I already knew what I will regret in life if I didn't do it.
Failure
Listening to Adora's Svitak's Ted talk was both insightful and kind of encouraging. As I am reaching to adulthood, I have taken more responsibility to my own actions and unconsciously think about the future. My imagination is replaced by mundane thinking. I seriously felt being imprisoned in a metaphysical bubble and my homework as the metaphor of prison, not because of it's apparent difficulty nor it's appalling amount that piled up like the mythical mountain of smoky mountains of the Philippines but rather the fact that I myself wanted more, not for the joy of it-- scratch English-- but rather because of my own fear of failing my future and inevitably leading to social death. I know many of you may think how in the world a 16 year old guy who plays MMORPG all day long and constantly relies on his divine metabolism to stay away from fatness whilst eating tons of junkfood that can clog 3 toilet bowls and never do sports (well except... if you can consider that as a....never mind)...but I was scared, and literally having an imagery of myself as a girl curled in her bed, holding her favourite stuffed toy, invisible tears where constantly falling on my cheeks. I have been driven by the feeling of failure as much as my desire for success. To the point that my conception of failure is not too far below to an average person's perspective of success. However, I don't really think that it's bad for it to be like that, this will be discussed later.
After her speech I began to enter a state of reflexive thinking, of self-evaluation. Through the course I found the answer-- well not really the answer, more of a eureka moment-- I discovered or started thinking (I really don't know how to express myself, do I...) that failure itself is just a fool's word for experience. I know it might be harsh to say it but in a way we are sort of governed by fools aren't we? We are encouraged to renounce our dreams and opt for boring-as-hell jobs such as being a lousy accountant or a store clerk. The majority of us are told to, directly or indirectly, to start being realistic and practical. What if our dreams become our reality? Those who only manage to fulfill their dreams are just the people who are naturally talented or gifted, those who aren't as much talented scared to pursue because they have been mentally preconditioned to steer away from failure. Why? Because it is 'a waste of time'. Because it just 'consumes time'. Yes and these are just to name a few of the excuses that people say to themselves to not try to fulfill their dream, a complete list would take a lifetime! However, as understandable as these excuses may be, I think there is this common factor among them all, which is the fear of failure and rejection. Indeed, from birth our minds have been engineered to reject these kind of things because these don't lead to enhancing our lives. Our expectations of ourselves are limited to the smallest possible factor of satisfaction, the easiest one attainable, not too much of hardships and failures included. Moreover as we grow up, this kind of thinking only goes on growing and growing until it is almost too late to recuperate from it our childlike thinking is shattered by our 'practical thinking' because it is more 'logical' to think like this. Our imaginations cease to exist day by day until we just content ourselves by reading the newspapers and looking at the news, when we see somebody die, we subconsciouly think “God bless his soul” and our happiness is centered around whether our football team has won a game or a long-awaited video game has been released. Our happiness is centered around ready-made man-made products.But as I ruminate on these thoughts, I begin to wonder myself, is this really true happiness?
I remember when I was a kid I used to climb this milk fruit tree in our garden and my mom (or my neighbour) would yell at me, afraid that I might fall down. Afterwards, I would be grounded for a couple of days. That did not stop me though from climbing that tree, I had this feeling of freedom and immense fulfillment as soon as I surpassed myself by climbing higher, it was an indescribable feeling, must be due to the lack of vocabulary. I can't feel that feeling anymore but I knew, I remember that it was so exciting and not to mention that climbing itself was also fun.
It was a sunny day and the sky was bright blue, the sun was shining and I was ready for another climb. It was also unbearably hot, I felt like I was melting and that is saying a lot considering that I just had a cold shower, I honestly thought that it was hotter than hell itself. I head to the exit of my house, I open the door then immediately let go of it forgetting that it was made of steel and so becomes really hot if the day is hot. I open the door again this time holding the rubber part of the knob, I go outside then put my flip-flops which were beside the entrance on my feet. It was hot, scorching hot, but this is a normal summer day in the Philippines so I was kind of used to it. As sweat continually drips from my forehead to my neck eventually drenching my t-shirt, as if I just went swimming with my clothes on, I head for the alleged milk fruit tree, about 50 meters from our house, can't be sure though. As I stand next to this tree, I prepared myself, I wiped my sweaty hand with my shorts and started climbing. While I go higher I felt this sort of adrenaline (did not know this word before) rushing through me, excitement and pleasure started to manifest themselves, coming instantaneously, harmonious and twinlike.
I looked down and fear began to run through my spine... but instead of freezing and and climb-down because of fear I did something extremely rash, stupid to some but novel, I continued to climb and to climb and to climb, I wanted to feel like angels, not birds, I wanted to see things from up high, higher than before, reaching the top peak of the tree, fire was burning on my eyes as I strive for the top. Fear started to falter and I felt relieved. The latter was not because that I had reached the top but rather because I manage to surpass my fear and erase an inessential part of me. Had I climbed down and let the fear get the best of me nothing would have changed, I could have lived my life the same way as before but living life so cautiously, opting not to climb the tree, would that feel not living at all? I was six at that time but I already knew what I will regret in life if I didn't do it.