The Rains Took The Night

[YRKB]

The rains took the blue night
With an aggressive intent -
And we were wet on the roof top
Your dark tresses strewn tight against your skin -
Wrapped in my arms -
The dance broken, to kiss.
Showers against concrete - nature's amplified symphony,
I was consumed with you,
With us -
With the moment we'd snatched.
Atop the world, a little above your city street
When the rains took the blue night
Our spontaneity -
Submerged by water
And still, desperate to drown in you -
When the rains took the blue night

Copyright Yafeu-Khamisi Rodway-Brown

[Bar22do]

The rains took the blue night
With an aggressive intent -
And we were wet on the roof top
Your dark tresses strewn tight against your skin -
Wrapped in my arms -
The dance broken, to kiss.
Showers against concrete - nature's amplified symphony,
I was consumed with you,
With us -
With the moment we'd snatched.
Atop the world, a little above your city street
When the rains took the blue night
Our spontaneity -
Submerged by water
And still, desperate to drown in you -
When the rains took the blue night

Copyright Yafeu-Khamisi Rodway-Brown
This is a poem, IMO, with a very good potential, I'd only be tempted to suggest to tighten it somewhat to make it even stronger (I think you don't need "blue" in L1, 12 and last; "tight" in L4; I'd work on L5-6 - new sentence from "Wrapped in my arms the dance broke to kiss" or sth similar; I'd use L7 instead of 12 and 13, then would follow with "Submerged by water.."). It was an involving reading, thanks a lot, Bar

[hillwalker]

I'm in agreement with Bar that with a little tightening this could be a sublime poem.

I stumbled on L6 - although it mirrors the break in the dance to pause for a kiss. That comma before the conjunction 'to' suggests the two are not linked when of course they are.

And L 7's inclusion breaks the mood and the continuity - it seems out of place in the midddle of the poem (although it's too good to throw away).

Thanks for sharing

H

[PrinceMyshkin]

I'd get rid of "nature's amplified symphony" ifI were you: it's the sole instance where you seem to be self-consciously writing Poetry, whereas everywhere else you derive your wonderful effects from the literalness of what's going on.

[blank|verse]

I think the other posters have made some valid points about this evocative poem, YRKB.

However, I'd argue to keep 'nature's amplified symphony' - it's a nice touch, although perhaps it does stick out in the context of the poem and more, similar images would help strengthen the poem.

Personally, I'd look again at the second line:

With an aggressive intent -
don't tell us this - show it.