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Xay
12-19-2010, 07:39 PM
I wrote this in a very short amount of time, just to take a break from other projects. I might go somewhere with it, but you tell me what you think.


The Sands

I kept trudging through the sand, every step getting more difficult. The sun was ferocious today, sending wave after wave of blistering heat down to me. I glanced upwards; the sun was beginning to fall. “Thank god”. I mumbled to myself. After a few more steps I collapsed on the ground, I could walk no more today. As I lay in the warm sand I noticed that I could see buildings in the distance, they were about 3 miles off, as far as I could tell. Was this the city I needed to get to? I didn’t care at this point, any civilization would be welcome. After a long day of shambling through this massive desert, sleep came easily.

I woke up to screaming; a terrible wail coming from underneath me. At first I thought I was dreaming, but it soon became apparent that I wasn’t. I looked up to the sky, black save for the shining moon. As I sat up, I felt the sand shifting under me. I jumped upwards at once, the screaming never faltering. “What kind of peril must this person be in!?” I tried to say, but my words were drowned in the wail. The sand began to shift under me again, out of curiosity I stood still. I was suddenly jerked downwards; I was up to my hips in sand. As I struggled to get up, I could almost feel something stroking my leg. I got a sudden surge in energy from my fright, and quickly pulled myself out of the hole. Sand instantly went to fill the spot my body was just in. The screaming had stopped for the moment, replaced by a very faint mumbling of some sort.

Despite it being dark, I decided to make it to the city as soon as possible. Whatever was under the sands frightened me to my core. After an hour of hiking, the buildings seemed no closer. Though it seemed I had gotten rid of the creature that lurked under the sands. There was a particularly large sand dune in my path, too large to walk around. With a grunt, I began to make my way up it. I had to resort to getting on my hands and knees to get up the massive dune. During my ascent I began to hear the faint mumbling again, coming from inside the dune. I decided it was just my mind tricking me, and continued to climb. I was almost at the top of the dune when my right arm was tugged, from inside the dune. I tried to pull my arm out, to no avail. That’s when the screaming started again. I pulled harder on my arm, and yet it still didn’t budge. It felt as though something was breathing on my arm… the heat of breath forming moisture on my hand. Just when I started to pull again, I felt a sharp pain in my hand, adding my own scream to the wail.

I ripped my arm out of the dune, and began tumbling down it. My white cloak getting stained with red and orange. My hand was covered with blood, coming from a gash on the side of my thumb. As sand sunk into my wound, I never stopped screaming. The sand was abnormally sharp, cutting into my face. As I was tumbling, and screaming; I could almost make out a large shape racing towards me from the top of the dune. I finally hit the bottom of the dune with a thud. I got up, despite my pain, and began to run as fast as I could away from the dune. I ran and ran until I could taste blood in my throat. Not ever looking back, out of fear I would slip and fall. I ran until the sun showed its face above the sand.

As I slowed, I listened for the slightest mumble, but it seemed the beast only came out at night. I looked at the wound on my hand; it was covered in sand and stung even when I moved slightly. I tore a part of my cloak, and wrapped it around my hand. I searched for the city on the horizon; I was closer now, barely 2 miles. The city looked even more magnificent from here, the buildings plated with gold and silver, shimmering in the sunlight. The more I looked at it the more I was drawn to it. I knew that this city was my salvation; I just had to make it before the darkness consumed the landscape.

I walked as quickly as I could, which was more of a shamble. And much to my horror, the sun was beginning its journey downwards. And it seemed I was no closer to the city. I began to run, but my legs refused; and I slowed to a walk again. “No, no no” I mumbled to myself. If I had to stay out here one more night, surely I would die by the hands of this abomination. I walked until I collapsed to the sand. I could do no more today. As I embraced the warm sand, the sun disappeared behind a particularly large sand dune. I tried my hardest to stay awake, but eventually I surrendered to the urge.

I woke up; as I feared I would. But not to screaming, I woke up to a large black shape shifting in the distance. I tried to stay as still as I could as I observed the beast. It wasn’t very large, about 6 feet. As I continued to look at it, not daring to move, it turned its head in my direction. The inhuman screaming began to assault my ears. It then began to take very long strides towards me, its arms swinging as it did. I shot up instantly, and began to run. After a couple of minutes dealing with the screaming, I turned to see how long I had before my life was cut. And to my surprise it was nowhere to be seen. The screaming was still present however, only muffled. I continued to search for the beast as I backed up. To my horror, I saw the sand in front of me shifting and turning. I turned away from the twisting sand, and ran towards the city. I was almost to it! It was less than a mile away, and even in the darkness it looked magnificent. I tried to scream to the inhabitants of it, but my scream was far weaker than that of the beasts.

Abruptly the screaming stopped, and I saw that the sun was crawling up from its slumber. “Thank you… thank you…” I said to myself, grateful for whatever god protected me. I approached the magnificent city, gleaming and shimmering in the morning sun. As I got closer, I passed through the shadow of a particularly large dune, but I paid it no mind. I began to see tracks from a human; this must mean I should see people soon! And finally, at long last I made it to this awe inspiring city. I stepped onto the road, and thanked my god. Though as I walked through the city, something became more and more apparent; this city was empty.

I kept searching franticly for someone, anyone but I couldn’t find anyone. “Who would abandon such a magnificent city?” I asked myself. I kept walking towards the town center, the sun drooping low behind the shimmering buildings. And that’s when I realized that the buildings weren’t casting shadows. I thought this strange, but continued to the cities center.

Finally, just as the sun disappeared, replaced by the moon, I reached the center. And in the center of this city, was a particularly large dune. This is when the city vanished, replaced by miles and miles of sand. I saw my tracks, I saw several sets of my tracks… traveling in a large circle around this monstrous dune. The sand below me began to shift, and a abominable wail sounded again. “No!” I screamed, I screamed as loud as I could. I was pulled downwards to my hips, screaming still. Then I was pulled down to my neck. My screaming cut short by gasps, as I felt pain throughout my torso. And in one final pull, I was consumed by the sands, my screams becoming faint mumbles.

hillwalker
12-20-2010, 07:19 AM
An absorbing read - filled with enough tension to tease the reader's curiosity.

You say you wrote it rather hurriedly - which probably explains why you've repeated certain elements. Writing a story can be a lot like building a boat - you need the framework to keep everything in the right position until the construction is completed. But once you're done you have to remove the scaffolding otherwise the boat won't float. Your story suffers in the same way - there's too much detail left in place that would be better trimmed away.

The first thing a story has to do is grab the reader's attention. The best way to do this is to make paragraph 2 your opening paragraph. Immediately we are wondering where the scream came from. At this stage in the story we don't need to know what happened before you slept..... Does that make sense?

Secondly - overwriting is a difficult habit to overcome. But the shorter you keep your sentences the easier they are to read - helping the pace of the story (especially an action-type one like this).
Look at this set of sentences just as one example:

I had to resort to getting on my hands and knees to get up the massive dune. During my ascent I began to hear the faint mumbling again, coming from inside the dune. I decided it was just my mind tricking me, and continued to climb. I was almost at the top of the dune when my right arm was tugged, from inside the dune.

The reader knows there is a dune - reminding us in every sentence (sometimes twice) is pretty annoying. And there are quite a few instances in this story where words or phrases are repeated - as if you don't believe the reader is able to keep up with you. Get yourself a red pen and start crossing out. It might cut the story by +25% but it will be a better read, believe me.

There's a lot of reference to the time of day - moonlight - the position of the sun - the distance between you and the city. It's all rather distracting for the reader - as if we have to keep track of where he is when really all we want to know is 'what lies beneath the dune?'

And a question - how many times do you speak out loud to yourself during the average day? I'm assuming you are at liberty to go out and about in 'normal society' so I'll guess hardly ever.
So expressing internalised dialogue in this way

“Thank god”. I mumbled to myself. - “Thank you… thank you…” I said to myself - “Who would abandon such a magnificent city?” I asked myself.

comes across as a very artificial way of creating tension. You are writing this story from a first-person persepective. So there's no need to treat your thoughts as dialogue. Part of the beauty of this kind of writing is that you can reveal your inner thoughts to the reader by the occasional observation. Don't keep having conversations with yourself - again it's rather tiresome to read and doesn't convey any of the emotions you were probably aiming for.

Finally - you say you might go somewhere with this. Well, the final sentence probably needs to be more open-ended in that case. Does the narrator end up suffocated beneath the sand? or does he find himself in some kind of subterranean tunnel??
Only he knows....

good luck with this

H

Xay
12-20-2010, 11:55 AM
Alright, I'l work on that. Thanks for taking the time to critique it. :D

Krista_Railey
12-20-2010, 05:50 PM
Xay, I really enjoyed the story, and would not have noticed what Hillwalker pointed out. Mainly, because I lack expertise. But, am learning from his comments.

The story itself was interesting, and it did take me on a ride. Thank you for sharing.

Xay
12-20-2010, 09:29 PM
Thank you for taking the time to review it, I always appreciate it. :D

Krista_Railey
12-20-2010, 10:33 PM
You are welcome. I recommended this site and your story on two financial forums I frequent.

Xay
12-20-2010, 11:26 PM
Thank you, Please tell me what they think about my story.

Krista_Railey
12-21-2010, 02:39 AM
If they don't think it is great, they are insane. Are you on Triond or Associated Content? If so, please let me know so I can add you as my first contend and keep up with what you publish.

I really dug on your story, it was like the Arabian Nights meets Tremors. I bought a book a few years ago called Tails from the Borderland, and frankly, it contained such drivel that I am embarrassed to have paid for the book. I've been lurking on Authspot ad Associated Content and have had to weed out story after story to find some stories I like. Then I come here, and I get three quality stories in a row (one being yours).

I don't judge stories based on composition or structure, but moreover, the ability to connect with me and take me on a ride. You have that ability, and my mind it is a precious commodity. When I said I liked your story, I was not paying you lip service or being kind. I enjoyed the ride and wanted another, Hill will make you a better writer, but all I have to offer os just being a fan who enjoys a good story.

I am new here, and not familiar with your work, but based on the sample- would like to read more.

I understand that it is bad etiquette to post links on this board, but this is what I had to say (mind you, I posted in the forum "bars" and you might have to register: (scroll down to the next to last post):

http://tickerforum.org/cgi-ticker/akcs-www?post=173386

and:

http://implode-explode.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=136687&start=10

I'm trying to get a member of TF to post some chapters here that she shared with me, and a couple of members with qualify input to lend a hand.

Although your story can stand on its own, I'd like to see whether or not you can expand on it. If you can't, all I can do is say "next". After all, my shopping is done and I have three days to kill until I have to play Christmas.

Xay
12-21-2010, 11:32 AM
I'l be sure to keep you updated. Glad to know i have a fan. :D

Big Dante
12-22-2010, 04:52 AM
I enjoyed this a lot.
It was interesting and had twists and turns to keep the reader's attention throughout it before coming to a good conclusion.
You presented the setting well, allowing the reader to be drawn into the story and the character was very believable.
Well done, I hope to read more :)

Xay
12-22-2010, 05:09 PM
Appreciate the praise guys, i'l be sure to start working on my next piece for you guys. :D