Caged

[hillwalker]

CAGED

Outside the geometry of time,
where past remains a quadrilateral of promise,
long before the proof of DNA
I see myself inside the frame;
incriminated by the hooded eyes,
the narrow nose, the laughter lines.

A sepia smile of painful recognition
fixed upon the future;
lips designed for accusation,
charges that I never got to hear;
the voice rewound into the spool
like all this endless validation.

H

[zoolane]

CAGED

Outside the geometry of time,
where past remains a quadrilateral of promise,
long before the proof of DNA
I see myself inside the frame;
incriminated by the hooded eyes,
the narrow nose, the laughter lines.

A sepia smile of painful recognition
fixed upon the future;
lips designed for accusation,
charges that I never got to hear;
the voice rewound into the spool
like all this endless validation.

H

Wow very powerful poem in own way. First I thought poem by about weather lol.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Kafka turns on himself? in a beautifully controlled albeit seemingly spontaneous composition.

[hillwalker]

No @zoo - despite the weather in these parts I thought I'd stay indoors for this one.

@Prince - I guess there's a little existentialism at work here - and this was indeed written in one sitting (after looking at an old family photograph).

H

[Delta40]

Mm. sounds like a dark analysis and speculation of your avatar Hill. You turn it into some sort of mug shot here.

[Jerrybaldy]

Sepia seems inseperarable from old photographs. I would say a grandparent or a great grandparent you never got to meet.
Caged? trapped in time? in genes?
Your poems always a challenge, Hill and as bad as I am at meeting it, I always enjoy.
cheers
JerryB

[Bar22do]

A little existentialism at work? I'd say quite a lot... and crafted with your usual mastery and deep thought. The last two lines give a wonderful image and are a great ending... Best from Bar

[Hawkman]

A strong poem, hill with, to my mind, a unique flavour. Really liked it.

Best, H

[hillwalker]

@Delta - well, I was intrigued by the notion of someone 'captured' in a photograph - so yes, a mugshot continues the metaphor in the same general direction I was aiming for

@Jerry - bang on target yet again - and thanks for your perseverance and for rising to the challenge

@Bar and @Hawk - thanks also for your kind comments - your feedback is always welcome.

H

[blank|verse]

Well, this poem reminded me how much I hate Maths if nothing else! Geometry... quadrilaterals... b|v's brain hurts!! :willy_nilly:

It's a very intelligent, ambitious and thought-provoking piece, but I found it a touch too abstract. I still struggle to understand the first few images - perhaps because something 'outside geometry' is described as a 'quadrilateral' and 'a frame', both of which suggest similarity, not difference; and the end, with the mention of 'the spool' - the voice of the photo is rewound onto the spool, which is like the 'endless validation' - which is what? The poetry being written? I just feel an uncertainty with the narrator at the end, and think it would benefit from a bit of clarity.

The best poems like this seem to come to a satisfying conclusion after abstract discussion, like the ideas have been mulled over and the poem is the result of that thought. Not that this is a bad poem by any stretch (I think you're right to limit the poem to being uncharacteristically short; and thought the irregular rhyme scheme worked well and could have been extended) it's just I have more questions than answers at the end of a poem which I feel sets out to provide some form of explanation at least.

Hope that doesn't sound too critical, as I did enjoy reading this, and admire the thought behind it and skill with which it was written. b|v

[hillwalker]

@b|v - thanks for reading this and to clarify matters..... I'll just mention some of the background that might provide the answers you were in search of:

The idea for the poem started with a picture of my grandfather in an old frame (hence the geometry of time in which he still exists and the quadrilateral through which he looks out at me now) -

then came the idea of being 'captured' by a photograph (a term also for a well-drawn likeness) - the pair of us caged either side of the glass, sharing distinct physical similarities now that I am close to the age he was when photographed -

the accusation (in a voice I never heard, obviously) was him berating me for existing when he is already dead; his first grandson, and yet a man he remained completely unaware of (having died a year or so before my birth) -

and the final two lines were my pointless attempts at trying to bridge the generation gap between us both and perhaps 'officially confirm' our shared existence - my voice just as unheard as his.....

Writing it down like this it seems a little less abstract, but hopefully not too transparent to destroy the poem's underlying subtleties....?

Thanks again, H

[Haunted]

So engaging in the way you allude to the all so common uneasy family relationships, this poem cuts through the thin piece of Kodak paper to reveal a much greater depth.

[Jack of Hearts]

CAGED

Outside the geometry of time,
where past remains a quadrilateral of promise,
long before the proof of DNA
I see myself inside the frame;
incriminated by the hooded eyes,
the narrow nose, the laughter lines.

Your reviewer is firstly thinking of Crick and Watson, which would implicate the poem within a timeframe of 1970. Then he remembers Crick and Watson were discoverers of the structure of DNA, and believes the 'proof' to have come much earlier (1920's or 1930's?). The narrator sees his or herself 'in the frame' but your reader could only hastily conclude that the narrator is looking at a picture of his or herself; starting from the premise that the poem is being narrated from a somewhat contemporary time (there is evidence for this), consider the affiliation of laughter lines with middle age at the earliest. It is concluded that whoever the picture of must have been somewhat old 'before the proof of DNA' and is either deceased or very old at the time of narration (there is evidence for the former).

There's a theme relating to time and space. The Kantian faculties are merged when you describe the past as a 'quadrilateral of promise.' But both considerations are previously dismissed in the line 'Outside the geometry of time', which is perhaps a way of saying the intuitions of time and space are relegated in the poem, subjicated to an intentionally more meaningful message.

The most accessible meaning to this reader is thay the narrator is looking at the image of a deceased relative and feeling that relative's judgement in a significantly existential capacity (though this is somewhat vague). The narrator sees himself inside the frame metaphorically as the photo is not their image. There is the possibility that the photo is of the author at a younger age but only if hyperbole has been used; the evidence is much weaker for that interpretation.


A sepia smile of painful recognition
fixed upon the future;
lips designed for accusation,
charges that I never got to hear;

This section reinforces the subject of the photo is passing judgement. Your reader has already met words like 'Caged' and 'incriminating' and being in the frame. 'charges that I never got to hear' suggests a missed opportunity or a relationship cut short.*


the voice rewound into the spool
like all this endless validation.

Your reader finds these lines the most beautiful, the most challenging and the most vague. The most accessible interpretation is that you have just revealed to the reader that the narrator has been hearing the voice of the person in the photo (as though this were implicit). 'endless validation', as far as this reader can tell, only has a tangential context to the rest of the piece. Perhaps this validation is the sub-equivalent substitute for the charges never heard.



J

[hillwalker]

Thanks @Haunted - I would not have expected any different from one whose avatar is also sepia-tinted

and @Jack - well, if you read my response to b|v's feedback I'm guessing some of the ambiguity will be removed.
But you've hit the nail on the head with the underlying theme of someone passing judgement (framed/incriminated/accusation/charges were specifically chosen to intimate as much).

As for the time/space issue - I was trying to imagine myself in one particular dimension where the eyes of my grandfather could still look out of the photograph at me - in the same way I am looking into his dimension (which is now constrained by the photograph's frame).

A touch of bizarre brainstorming perhaps - thanks for your careful analysis as always.

H

[AuntShecky]

This nice and succinct piece about an old (i.e. "sepia") photograph reminded me of two other works, one very recent and one at least a decade old.

The first, a poignant treatment of a similar theme is "Mirror" by firefangled, right here on the ol' LitNet. The second is "After a Brubeck Concert" by Miller (father of the
folksinger Lucinda) Williams.

All three poems posit a speaker trying to figure out and connect his life in relationship to other lives in the past -- human existence as part of a continuum. Quite a heady theme, yet all three poems are exemplary.

Well done.

[blank|verse]

Thanks for the reply, hill.

I think my main point is I feel the construction of the geometry of time and so on are distractingly abstract in a poem which is essentially about a human relationship. That says something in itself of course - the narrator is using maths to understand a family relationship - but perhaps is rather distancing.

Still, it's admirably ambitious and was enjoyable to read something in a different style from your narrative-based poems.

[hillwalker]

Thanks @b|v - I understand your quibbles - and indeed a different style, and shorter as you mentioned earlier.

And @Aunty - thanks also for your encouraging response.
Some of us on here seem to inhabit a symbiotic existence where one writer's inspiration passes through us all - last month's topic was winter weather - this month it's genealogy and family links.

H