Present, Absent

[Bar22do]

On roll calls I shout absent, but I am -
wide-eyed, charred life carved
in what was docile grassland,
in a Darfur goz, or Dachau,

a homeless shadow of a birch or a palm
cut down after war, now muted ash,

sand turned into lybic glass and buried,
although like rainbows I could
host a primal whiteness. And I am
discouraged and tired, a lost fly, yet again
drawn to the old dream:

Oannes rises out of the waters; love scaled
moves among us, a sibilant snake,
but hissing softly -- offering pearls
from the deep. We each get one,
set it in our pineal eye.
And while we bathe in grottoes’
ponds, with reeds’ whistles etching rocks
around, we merge, and the spinning cosmos
drags us along into the white whirl.

[Hawkman]

Hi Bar, This is a powerful piece which for the most part reads very well. I'd query the the choice of conjunction in L1 though as for would seem to me to be more appropriate, as 'but' sounds like an excuse, whereas 'for' makes it a reason. (to be absent.) You need a comma after 'life' in L2 to separate the clauses. I'm not sure that the indefinate article before Darfur is strictly necessary and the 'in' before Dachau is definately superfluous. Both spoil the flow of the line.

I'm not keen on the And at the beginning of the sentance in L9. It just isn't necessary, and lastly, I'd be inclined to combine this and the next sentance by replacing the full stop after 'tired' with a comma in line 10.

These are, however, very minor quibbles in what is a truly excellent poem.

Live long and prosper, H

[Bar22do]

Thanks for your thorough reading, Hawk!
"but" place - it is more an excuse than a reason, you got it right...
I think what to do with the indefinite article, though in my view (wrong perhaps) is needed. I can get rig of "in" though.
"And" - needed for the flow... imo, but will reconsider as I will joining the two sentences.
Thank you again for your thoughts and help. Best as always, Bar

[firefangled]

Great writing in this peice, Bar. I love the evolution in this and the final four lines are perfect.

I would vote to keep "charred life carved" as is for both meaning and sound; if anything, i would put a semi-colon after "Wide-eyed" if I read that correctly as how you are present.

Hawk has a good point on L10. And does not bother me that much as is. You could break the stanza there and begin with So, IMO.

I have read this a few more times while writing my comments and I love this poem and will read it a few more before I go.

Thanks, Fire

[Bar22do]

Oh, hello Fire, I'm right now correcting. Grateful for your thoughts.
In the original version of the poem, L2 wrote "charred stares" (I meant "I am wide-eyed charred stares") which I changed to "life" after a discussion with a friend who thinks it can't work. I had that strong image of whoever identifies with the horror or was witness to it and thus can still "see"/"be" the last stares of the dying... though, as my friend rightly noticed, "stares" and "stairs" sound exactly the same, therefore the phonetic aspect won.

Anyhow, thanks so much for your comment. Bar

[Haunted]

wide-eyed, charred life carved set the tone right from the beginning for this powerful poem.

[hillwalker]

I felt perhaps there were two poems struggling to coexist here - the first focussed on the poet speaking on behalf of those who have not survived atrocities - the second a dream of some fabled past when men were superhuman perhaps, now lost in the sands of time. That we all end up as ash and dust is perhaps the link.

It's a wonderful read nonetheless.

H

[Bar22do]

Thanks a lot Haunted and Hill for your comments.
Hill, I'm aware of S2 possibility to be an independent poem, but this is where exactly the survivor takes refuge, he is "rescued" by the memory/dream of a better humanity, failing which, and overwhelmed by the atrocities, he'd verge madness... so this too is a link, as is dust of time.
Regards to you both and thanks again, Bar

[blank|verse]

Phew – this is a dark, ambitious poem, Bar, and quite challenging to read.

The two, alliterative place names in the first stanza set the tone, the alliteration reinforcing the grim links between them without being too light. (And perhaps because of them, I'm reminded of Sylvia Plath.) There are several striking images throughout the poem.

Although perhaps there are too many, as I found them slightly confusing, exacerbated by the syntax of the first three stanzas, which themselves seem to be broken rather arbitrarily. I enjoyed the image of the 'homeless shadow of a birch'; and the 'palm', usually associated with paradise of course, here works well – paradise lost, indeed. However, I wasn't sure if the poem's 'I' is meant as the landscape – as the syntax suggests – or not, or both?

I did wonder what the poem is trying to say and found I got the sense of it without really feeling confident I really got it.

I agree with Hawk that 'On roll calls' is the wrong phrase – 'at' or 'to' seem more appropriate, but neither works satisfactorily. It's a shame to change it too much, because it's an arrestingly immediate opening and it would be a shame to lose that. But I do wonder how someone seemingly dying could 'shout'.

I would look again at these lines, as they are quite stress-heavy and a bit clumsy:

And while we bathe in grottoes’
ponds, with reeds’ whistles etching rocks

I enjoyed finding out about the fishman 'Oannes' via Wikipedia! He can stand in for other forms of redemption of course, religious or otherwise. It's a rather depressing form of redemption, but maybe that's the best we can wish for these days.

A darkly rewarding poem, Bar.

[hack]

Hardly a word about Oannes, old gods are welcome as week old fish, I suppose. The mention of lybic glass is, to me, a microcosm of the poem. A swirl of bubbles inside the glass, the white whirl a moment of movement captured, and caused, by a cosmic event, like the one that brought reason and art. Oannes setting us apart, giving us the things that make us human, all the things that should disallow Darfur and Dachau, but do not. This is a fine poem Bar. Thank you for posting it...peace...

[Bar22do]

B/V and hack, I've just written a thank you comment to you and it all disappeared! how infuriating! never know how it happens...
And now I don't have more strength to start all over again. so just shortly,
B/V, I'm sure you got the meaning, intuitively, thanks for your technical remarks as well, on which I will base the revision; the poem's "I" is whoever is not "there" physically, or who survives, or learns about and is left helpless, an absent-present, a witness one way or another, with the moral duty "to be there for the other", therefore feeling guilty no matter how innocent he might be, desperately tries to identify, then surrenders to myth/dream where all had originated and where all could start again perhaps, differently and better, unless a cosmic whirl (di)solves all...
I don't know what you've read about Oannes and to which depressing redemption you allude in your comment... Oannes I mention is the essence of all wisdom, and mostly an inner reality we fail to be in touch with... therefore we detour..

hack, your understanding the gist of this poem leaves me hopeful as to its effectiveness... I'm fascinated with lybic glass and its origin, yes, just like reason and art, a cosmic event. And buried...

Anyway, thank you both very much for your comments. Warm greetings for the coming New Year! Bar

[blank|verse]

Hi Bar – and thanks to hack for an enlightening response as well. (And I know what you mean about the disappearing responses - keep clicking 'Preview Post' if you're writing a longer reply.)

Anyway, what I meant was pretty much what you said in your reply: that in the poem, redemption is presented only as a fantasy, a myth, an 'old dream'. The reality is a world of horrors and redemption is but a dream. So, yes, that strikes me as a rather depressing conclusion.

And Season's Greetings to you and everyone else as well! :)

[mpdague]

Your imagery evokes the devastation done to humans and landscapes. When I feel the words, they are doubly appreciated.

[Bar22do]

Thank you very much, mpdague, for feeling the words...

B/V thanks for coming back to this, of course you got it and the conclusion is indeed far from optimistic, I just had a hesitation re the Oannes you read about and that confused me. Do you think the revision reads better and easier (stress/flow wise), is a bit clearer?

Happy New Year, and my best wishes, thanks to you all again

Bar

Present, Absent

On roll calls I cried absent, but I am -
wide-eyed, charred life carved
in what was docile grassland,
in a Darfur goz, or Dachau,
a homeless shadow of a birch or a palm
cut down after war, now muted ash,
sand turned into lybic glass and buried,
although like rainbows I could
host a primal whiteness. But I am
discouraged and tired, a lost fly, yet again
drawn to the old dream:

Oannes rises out of the waters; love scaled
moves among us, a sibilant snake,
hissing softly -- offering pearls
from the deep. We each get one,
set it in our pineal eye.
And while we bathe in grottoes’
ponds, we merge, and the spinning cosmos
drags us along into the white whirl.

[blank|verse]

Hi Bar - I certainly think introducing that sonnet-like stanza break works effectively in letting the reader know the poem is clearly broken into two contrasting sections.

Personally, I would like to see more sentences in the first stanza. There's a lot going on, and you're not allowing the reader the time to contemplate the images as the next one moves into the next so quickly. I think a sparse syntax would fit the tone of the poem well in the first section.

The end now reads better and flows well. Perhaps the stanza as a whole should have fewer full stops to reflect the contrast between the two parts of the poem.

But those are only minor issues in what is an intelligently written poem. b|v