Interlopers of Spring

[yuka]

I love you, interlopers of spring
Black all over, flitting by like wind
As if a certain kind of indefinable implication
Your presence brings mysterious atmosphere

At this early morning, fragrance wafting all around
When the sun rising from the water
The shimmering wave shows us the distant future
Beholding you, flying fairies
Like beholding my long lost desire

I want to bestow my most yearning name on you
Countless days and nights
Drifting and floating it was on the sea
Like a little boat sailing in the storm
Shivering and despairing, but never giving up

And you, the angels coming with brightness
Break the stillness of the sky
Scattering hope on April’s field
And then the soul sleepwalking to the alien land
Comes back to the long left homeland again

[hillwalker]

A poem filled with ethereal images - a sense of longing for the spring which is heralded by dark shadows.

Some of the metaphors are rather difficult to comprehend - was 'angles' in v4 meant to be 'angels' ? in keeping with 'fairies' from a previous stanza?
If so, that might make a little more sense.

Also the tense tends to jump about in places - keeping it in the present tense would make the piece work better
replacing 'never gave up' with 'never giving up' - and 'Broke' with 'Break'

I particularly liked the way the poem closes - those last 2 lines are a memorable conclusion.

H

[Delta40]

There is something about reading a poem where English is not the first language that gives me a deeper appreciation of its potential qualities. a sweet innocence comes through here and I enjoyed the seasons refreshed, Yuka.

thanks

[yuka]

yes you are right hill, that's angels.

I edited those you pointed out. thank you ,you always gave me great help.

thank you Delta for your comment. that's a great encouragement

[Earl Grey]

Yuka, I think that you have some concrete images for several poems in this piece. Perhaps it would be a more effective poem if you settled upon one topic and then added more details as needed. But it is beautiful.

[firefangled]

Yuka, a beautiful rendition of Spring. I agree with Delta about poems written where English is not the first language.

I get the same feeling also when we translate from another language to English; there is something very unique that emerges from this. Reading translations is very inspirational for me. The hope expressed in this poem was simply beautiful.

[Jerrybaldy]

Hi Yuka
I agree with all of the above. I stumbled over yearningest, maybe most yearning ?

I was trying to think of a good word for your poem, but Hill already hit it with 'ethereal'.
very enjoyable.

[yuka]

thank you Earl, maybe you were right, and maybe my not good using of english leading you to your view, i will think it over later.

thank you fire for your read and comment.

Jerry, you were correct, i'd edited it. thank you

[PrinceMyshkin]

I agree both as to the beauty of much of this and that there is too much. Better to confine yourself to a smaller number of related images and to allow the narrative more space to emerge.

In the very good final verse I've enclosed in [] words you ought to delete and added one I suggest you introduce:


And you, the angels coming with brightness
Break the stillness of the sky
Scattering [the] hope on [the] April’s field
And then the soul sleepwalking to the alien land
Comes back to the long left homeland again

[yuka]

Better to confine yourself to a smaller number of related images and to allow the narrative more space to emerge.

In the very good final verse I've enclosed in [] words you ought to delete and added one I suggest you introduce:
Quote:
Originally Posted by yuka
And you, the angels coming with brightness
Break the stillness of the sky
Scattering [the] hope on [the] April’s field
And then the soul sleepwalking to the alien land
Comes back to the long left homeland again

thank you prince, i appreciated your suggestion, that's good for me.