New To This?..

[MasterHu]

Hey Guys / Girls

Ok so where to start? basically just thought id post a thread on here of various things i've wrote while bored mostly sitting in classrooms. Ive all ways had a vivid imagination and a quick wit which many people have told me i should focus that energy somewhere else. I have for the past few month been randomly asking people to name three random things in which without thinking I can come up with a short story about these things in which most people have liked and enjoyed, so here's a few things I have wrote, I do apologise about a few things.. this wall of text and the lack of punctuation, within the text.

Firstly as this was the first piece of text I could find I had asked a friend for three random words and the random words were - Cat Hazel Chemistry -

She stood tall and proud looking content and ready in her white coat, fresh out the cupboard, “cherish these first time wears”, she kept telling herself over and over, almost looking to calm herself down, was it through excitement or fear? No one could really tell. She began to cast slow and steady eyes around where she was, the only thing she could see was chaos and confusion, she lost herself in it but only momentarily until reality quickly drew her back into the situation. Still, It was a proud day and the realisation of what was going on and just how hard she had worked, and was going to have to work was begging to sink in. The room in which she stood in, was the type of room the ordinary person would feel uncomfortable in and dare I even say scared?, it was the type of room you would be happy just passing-by, but to actually be standing in it was verging on insanity, certainly stupidity. The walls were washed out white, and lacked any form emotion of a normal room, there was writing littered across them like the hieroglyphics you would find on the walls of the Pyramids. The floor was dirty, yet seemed to have more emotion then the walls,maybe that was down to what exactly had gone on within this room. There was desks all laid out in long rows, stretching from one side of the room to the other, they were over crowded with pieces of paper, glass, pens and other useless apparatus. She began to ask the exact same questions I'm guessing people who had stood in her position had asked themselves, and even people before that, and even before that. What? How did this happen? Why did it happen? Wandering eyes tried to take it all in again, and exactly the extent of what she was looking at, desperate to make sense of it all, or for that matter any of it, she began to feel lost, the room had gripped her, and it was pulling her further and further in, was she already loosing it? Surely not on her first day? No it couldn't be, she began to panic, prodding and poking around, looking for any clues to the questions she had set out to answer....BANG! darkness followed....A voice rang out “Are You Alright?” .. it was the darkness, she couldn't see a thing, again the voice boomed out “Are You Alright” , her head was spinning, what had happened? the pain almost unbearable, her eyes twitched open only to see a pair of piercing hazel eyes staring directly back down ”You took a nasty fall there, are you alright??” ,she began to open her mouth in preparation to speak... “Meow!” .. silence followed with what we can only assume was a lot more confusion, she began to make more sense of what was going on, there was now a crowd gathered around of eager faces, none familiar to her . Had the room taken her to some other dimension? Again she opened her mouth to speak “Meow!”... silence did not follow this time oh no, but rather a large eruption of laughter, and howling. She was slowly helped to her feet still feeling dazed and confused, scratching the back of her head in confusion and pain, someone spoke but she did not hear, “Im sorry could you repeat that please?” .. I said “I guess thats what happens when you study Chemistry at Sunderland Uni, one smell of there weird chemicals and its goodnight! and when finally pull round your meowing like a cat”

Few things tot ake note with the above written text, the friend i had asked is studying Chemistry at Sunderland University and whenever there is an awkward silence she will randomly "meow" .. the type of look ive gone for here is to get the reader to think that the main character is in another place before right at the end revealing something else! (which is a personal touch i like to add)


Below is a very short piece took me about 5 minutes to write.. after reading it I will explain at the end.....

It was over, he had done it, finally, never before in his life had he felt like this, every moment every step had been leading up to this one, and it was over only to briefly. Every single emotion a human can go through he was feeling right now, it had hit him in one large electric surge it began pulsing through his body, it was like someone or something had snook up, and took his ability to see, speak and react to what had just happened. No sounds entered or left his body, he was in shock who wouldn't be? He could feel his heart, beating against his rib cage, louder and louder faster and faster, it would not of been a total surprise if it had leapt from his chest and landed right in front of him, just in front of his feet, and I can definitely tell you his heart would of kept on beating only getting stronger. He began to dance around fists clenched pumping into the air around him, veins bulging from his body, eyes wider then the tiger before he lands that fatal killing blow, he belonged to the adrenaline now and this ride was in no mood to slow down or stop any time soon. His began to cast eyes around the room, trying to take in his surroundings it was all blur, like he was a prisoner to a fierce freight train, his eyes met first with cold meshed steel,then peoples faces in what seemed to be surrounding the steel their arms in the air, majority smiling from ear to ear, sound finally travelled back into his body, not like it made much sense right now,a large eruption of cheers and screams was what greeted him back to reality, with open arms. His eyes were drawn to front and centre, they were met with familiar faces, the combination of happiness and joy was the ecstasy they all felt and shared with the triumphant warrior who stood proud, their unified spirit could no way be dampened not even if the devil himself had turned up in a party wrecking mood. His eyes were then met with a familiar pair staring back, there was no over reaction, no screams just a sombre nod of the head to acknowledge there friendship and everything they had gone through up to this point. I think at this point its safe to say all though non will admit it a tear was not far away from any of their eyes. The triumphant warrior then was quickly drawn back to the seriousness of the situation to what had just happened, “YOUR WINNER BY WAY OF KNOCKOUT AND NEW WELTERWEIGHT UFC CHAMPION DAVEEEEEEEE KUUURRRTTTLLEEEEEYYY!!!” . . . . .

A close friend has just became a MMA Semi - pro champ and unfortunately on this particular night I couldn't make it to see him, so I wrote this...


"He stood bolt upright, like lightning was surging through his body, his eyes were fixated like a lioness ready to pounce on the prey of the day. He had the same look I'm pretty sure Jack the Ripper had while he was merrily butchering people, his eyes were blood thirsty, and he knew exactly what he wanted. He was borderline obsessed almost in a trance like state the world was non existent in his mind. His name was called two three times, and still no response... "

There was more to that .. but that extract above I wrote about my dog wanting a biscuit.

Ok, so rather then bore you all, with more I'll leave it there for now, i fully appreciate any comments and people who take the time to read this, and i look forward to reading some of your writing.

Thanks MasterHu

[hillwalker]

To begin with

the 'wall of text' is not an easy read on a pc screen – in future you might consider sticking spaces between the paragraphs to make navigation easier.

As for your what motivates you to write – well, 3 random words are as good as anything to get the creative juices flowing if that’s what it takes. But I would resist the idea of just entertaining your friends unless your writing is purely intended as a party trick.

As for the pieces themselves…..

1 - takes a while to get going – there’s far too much inconsequential musing. We don’t have a clue who this person is, and what happens to her is of little interest by the time we get to any action.

There is certainly room for the piece to be tightened up :


The room in which she stood in, was the type of room the ordinary person would feel uncomfortable in and dare I even say scared?, it was the type of room you would be happy just passing-by, but to actually be standing in it was verging on insanity, certainly stupidity.

is such a long-winded, clunky way of telling the reader that the room was intimidating.

Also there are quite a few careless typos or grammatical flaws :

The room in which she stood in – no need for the second ‘in’.

lacked any form emotion of a normal room - ‘any form of emotion’ (?) if that is indeed what you intended (though a room having ‘emotion’ is questionable)

There was desks – should be ‘There were desks’


She began to ask the exact same questions I'm guessing people who had stood in her position had asked themselves, and even people before that, and even before that. What? How did this happen? Why did it happen? Wandering eyes tried to take it all in again, and exactly the extent of what she was looking at, desperate to make sense of it all, or for that matter any of it, she began to feel lost, the room had gripped her, and it was pulling her further and further in, was she already loosing it?

What the **** is this supposed to be about? It sounds very dramatic and anguished – but wow. It looks as if you were trying to inject some tension or suspense into the story – but failed. Most readers will get this far and give up.
That’s a pity, because after this aberration the piece actually gets much better – when you start telling us that something is happening (instead of disappearing into some inner world of your own where the reader is excluded) we start to pay attention.

For some reason I was reminded of Schrodinger’s cat – perhaps that concept could be included if you want to inject some real mystery or absurdity into the piece.

2 – again a lot of bluster but very little substance. The fact that you have to explain what you are writing about at the end suggests that it doesn’t stand that well on its own.

There are some very powerful images, and the reader gets the sense of some important event in the hero’s life. But you take so long to get there that most lose interest – tiresome ruminations again instead of narrative.

and finally 3 – the term ‘making a mountain out of a molehill’ springs to mind. This is terribly overwritten.

Melodramatic writing is fun to practice, but rarely fun to read unless it is an integral part of a more complex story; building up to some crescendo. Much of your work shows skill – but writing with your foot either on the footbrake or the accelerator makes for a very bumpy ride.

The phrase ‘less is more’ is very apt when it comes to writing. Keep things simple and rein in your obsession with analysing the characters’ inner thoughts and you might become a good writer.

Good luck

H

[MasterHu]

Thanks for that ... but doesn't the reader vary? ... I try to create some form of mystery within the text I write, say "leave them in the dark" but paint a very vivid imagination of what's going on, like first piece of text just leaves you thinking "what the hell is going on" ... its almost like the "person" is investigating a crime, looking examining what's going on.. its the image i try and paint get u drawn in and then change the subject completely. I don't try and pretend to be the best writer in the world, but I would like to think theres something there to adapt and change?...

and as for spelling .. yeah apologise sometime i type to fast and the way i speak in my mind isnt all ways the best way to put it down ... mackem accents fail in this case :(

[hillwalker]

Leaving us in the dark is great, but it takes skill to hook the reader so they are desperate to know what is going to happen next.

The problem with your first piece is that the reader is unable to engage with the girl because we know nothing about her. She's not even doing anything interesting - because you describe so much of what is passing through her mind. Consequently we don't particularly care what happens next.....

The piece can be saved because the latter part of the story is good. You just need to dump the pretentious bits (e.g. “cherish these first time wears”, she kept telling herself over and over) that drag the story down instead of driving it forward.

And, of course, readers do vary. But they all have one common attribute - short attention spans. If your story doesn't grab them inside the first few sentences you are likely to lose them.

H

[MasterHu]

I hear what your saying, but bare in mind these are purely wrote on impulse. Its weird i just think them up write them, and the "mountain to a mole hill" is what i wanted , rather then saying "he wanted a biscuit" does that not show a certain quality to look at things in more detail and change them to something more interesting ?...

how about this piece of text:

'Lost' 17/12/10


…..Hand furiously tapping breast coat pocket, moving around his body like a heartbeat, as he began to draw it down to right side jeans pocket, he employed the help of his other hand to check both pockets simultaneously furiously tapping, where was it, he couldn't find it, his eyes were in ecstasy around the room looking for that piece of paper, not only any piece of paper, but this was a key, a key to a new life, a key to a getaway, panic had now firmly set in. His eyes would only to frequently drawn to look down at that brand new Rolex to check the time, 10:31am 15 seconds it would read it sent his mind into overdrive as he began to think, thinking about how long he had, how long it would take to get there, what if there were problems along the way, this wasn't helping him, not one bit. Hands were still tapping, tapping away at every pocket, every stitching of clothing ducking and diving into the inside pockets. Fingers searching, grappling at loose threads, 10:31 28 seconds, as eyes were again drawn towards his wrist for the 57th time. Not as if he was keeping track. He dropped to his knees, hands were pressed hard against the dirty carpet that laid beneath him, he pressed his chest further down to the floor to cast envious eyes under the bed wondering if the key was a prisoner to the beds dirty under belly like the oh so familiar things he could see. He furiously rolled onto his side, then onto his back, he thought he had spotted it, and the rescue operation, was about to begin. He was sure he could fit his arm under, pushing, forcing it in, his skin was scraping against the rotting wood of the bed frame it, his fingers now had there own mind reaching out, he scuffled closer and closer to the bed hoping to reach it, god only knew the monstrosities he was rubbing his hand through under there. He began to withdraw what his fingers sweaty grasp had managed to get hold of , he moved away and began to take the position of prayer. 10:33am 46 seconds, he was desperate now, as eyes left the wrist again, 58th time. Not as if he was counting. He began to focus on what he now held in his hand. His heart sank, his head dropped it was nothing but an old bus ticket, that read “Number 35 9:01am 21st October 2003 £1.00 Harug St to Griven Rd Driver: Merl”It dropped to the floor, fluttering down, mocking him and making it very obvious it wasn't the artefact he has been longing for. He stood up and dusted himself down, from shirt collar to shoulder down the sleeve to knees again employing the help of his other hand to get the job done, just to make sure he was presentable again. He dropped to the corner of the bed, emotionless, hands locked together, elbows resting on thighs his mind ran nothing, made a change. 10:34am 5 seconds, 6 seconds. The plane left in an hour, he had missed it, missed his one and only chance to get away, to escape, all the reasons he wanted to run began to flood back like a slide show of repressed memories. He felt a cold breeze gently blow over him ….....

any better or?

[hillwalker]

or not.....

Again, far too long-winded and melodramatic in my opinion. I ended up skimming after the half-way point because I knew nothing relevant was going to happen until the last few words - and even then I felt cheated.

There is a place in story-telling for creating suspense - but all talk and no action is just a waste of your talent and the reader's time. Was it engaging, or instructive or amusing? - well in a word, no. Merely annoying.

I think you enjoy teasing the reader - playing with their curiosity or imagination. But you write about the most mundane things in such a roundabout way that very few are going to be bothered waiting for the punch-line (assuming there is one).

As an exercise in stringing a reader along it is very successful. As an attempt to tell a story it is a disaster - this needs drastic trimming. And I'm sure if you are honest with yourself you can see what parts need dumping.

H