Funny Money and the British Invasion

[Steven Hunley]

Funny Money and the British Invasion
by

Steven Hunley


So I’m writing this interesting piece see? Oh, it’s real interesting and it’s about a British guy who’s giving another British guy some money. But right there is the problem. It’s like I’m writing a story and right away I’ve got some kind of conflict going on but the problem or conflict isn’t on the pages. It’s in my skull instead. It’s one of those conflicts we all experience at one time or another. It’s all about the money.

I can say he gave him a pound or some pounds. Trouble is, that’s not so romantic. I gotta rack my brain and come up with something else, you know, something more descriptive and all. I read a lot so my brain rack has plenty of English monies to choose from. Trouble is, I don’t know what any of them mean! Not one. Here’s an example:

First I’ve got what they call a Bob.
Now we all know they call cops bobbies. We all saw Hard Day’s Night. But this is only one bob. So what the hell is a bob anyway? It’s probably got nothing to do with cops at all.

Then they got a Guinea. Not a Guinness, a Guinea. I know that it has something to do with a country some where on the equator and that’s about all and one other thing too. It’s a kind of a chicken or hen. What a currency has to do with an equatorial country or a chicken is beyond me. I’m not surprised. Many things are beyond me.

Next we got quid. Here a quid means a plug of tobacco that sticks in your mouth and tastes bad. Or in South America it’s a bunch of coca stuck in mouth that numbs your cheek. Either way I can’t figure it out. If it has anything to do with things that are stuck in your mouth I want nothing to do with it.

Next we have two that seem to be related.

A crown is one. They give each other crowns in England! Yeah, they really do! So a crown must be worth a lot, that’s what I figure. Like the jewels in the Tower of London and all. Maybe I shouldn’t have told where they keep ‘em. When they don’t have much bucks they give each other half-a-crown. Some times that’s all they can afford. Then we got the related one next.

Sovereigns. They got sovereigns over there and they don’t mean Kings and Queens in this case. They mean some kind of money. Gold sovereigns I think they call them. They hook up their money to royalty. We got no royalty. Wow, I’m really impressed with how they do things over there!

All we’ve got is bucks and dollars. Maybe in a stretch green-backs. See how culturally deprived we Yankees are? I’m gonna get adopted by the royal family some day and change my citizenship and adopt a cool accent and all. Speak BBC English. Partner-up with Mike Embley and all. Drink tea.

But in the meantime what am I gonna do? A penny for your thoughts, or even a ha-penny!
Yeah, that’s right, they’re so cool over there even a half-penny will buy you something. Here a penny isn’t worth it’s own copper.

But I still have a problem and it needs to be solved . In a good story the conflict needs to be resolved one way or another. Then it hits me! There’s an answer out there on the Internet!

They got this site see, called online literature. Plenty of Brits post up there. Brits are well known for being polite and real helpful and all. All cramped up on their tiny Island Fortress of Freedom has forced them to learn to be sociable ages ago. And besides, they got even with us for rebelling against the crown (and I don’t mean money) along time ago by invading us with he British Invasion back in the sixties. They made us listen to their music! We did. Now we’re best of friends. To them, we’re mates! (another sea-faring term I just love)

They’d be happy to help me out.

I’ll just post up this story and wait for an answer. Have a cup of Lord Grey while I wait. So now I’ve got my conflict solved. My story has an ending after all.

So maybe I better stop writing.

[hillwalker]

"What ho, Hunley! Jolly good wheeze, eh, what?"

But if you think we actually speak like that over here then we're done for.

And for the record - in case you were fishing for answers - the only contemporary reference still in use is 'a quid' = £1.

The rest went out of fashion with the mini-skirt (alas) in the case of 'bob' (shilling - one 20th of a pound in pre-decimalisation days) or much further back in time when sovereigns were legal tender (a gold sovereign = a pound), a crown (1/4 of a pound) and a guinea (£1 plus 1 shilling).

Nowadays it's all pence and pounds. Not as romantic as farthings and three-penny bits and groats. But we all use plastic anyway.

H

[Steven Hunley]

Oh my God, farthings, I've heard of them! Three penny bits, well Ok if you say so. But groats, GROATS!

Hill, thanks everso. I knew you wouldn't let me down. They actually had half-dimes here in the past too instead of nickels. (5 cents)

I think my problem is what you're talking about. That my concept of English money comes from literature that's way out of date. What do I really know of these things? Not much. Merry Christmas to you all there in the country of our mother-tongue. And happy Boxing Day! (is that where you all get together and slug it out?) (kidding!)

[MystyrMystyry]

You forgot about Zacks (don't know the spelling).

I don't like to criticise Hillwalker because he is my Scottish brother, but the idea that the various currency names are out of fashion isn't really true.

In literature the nickmames seem a bit stale so they get dropped, but in friendly Anglo conversation they're often used jocularly. A soverein's abbreviated to a sov even though it isn't really worth one anymore- but what is these days?

Anyway that's my tuppence worth

[MANICHAEAN]

Well Steve me old **** sparraw, its like this see. Four farthings make one penny, or even two arf pence make one penny also. Then 12 pence makes 1 shilling, but you also get a thruppeny piece (3p) or a six pence. Anyway mate, 20 shillings or bob, see make a quid or if you are a barrister you give your bills in guineas which is 1 quid and 1 shilling. If you go to the races like, then you can put down a pony on a bet, but I don't want to get into slang as it might confuse yer.

Anyway, pop across sometime for a cuppa and a swift half down the boozer & I'll introduce you to the blokes around ere.

Take care ****
M.
(P.S. Don't take no mind of Hill & MM. Their both Jocks and they speak funny up there!)

[hillwalker]

(P.S. Don't take no mind of Hill & MM. Their both Jocks and they speak funny up there!)

Hoots, mon. I dinna ken wot ye're blethering aboot.

See, I'm no Jock. Just an honorary Scotsman - because I'm actually a Welshman in exile.

As for 'zacks'?? Never heard of them (honest!).

A groat was 4 old pennies (a third of a shilling). And a sixpenny bit or a tanner was half a shilling. I'm so ancient I actually remember farthings (a quarter of one penny - tiny little coins with a wren on the reverse side).

And we used to have ten-bob notes (worth half a pound note in those days). Now the only paper money left starts at £5 then £10, £20 and £50. Such is the relentless march of inflation.
And just to make matters more interesting, Scotland has its own bank notes (with a totally different set of designs to UK notes but still legal tender South of the border).

Season's greetings to all our readers as someone once said.

H

[MystyrMystyry]

Please don't keep drawing me back deeper into this mire, this slough of despond...

Zack is/was an American term for five cents, thence adopted in Australia in 66 when decimal became the rage. The new Aussie dollar was to be called the Royal (in 63 when the royalist prime minister thought it would emphaise links to the British crown rather than the Amerian cousins. Menzies seems to have been in denial of WWII and really wanted to live in the world of Wooster and Jeeves, even though that world would have rejected him for being a brown-nosing prate)

But I reckon old-timers in America would have a few other names - if a quarter's a quarter is half a half?

Anyway I've got to get back to earning a few brass rahzoos...

[MystyrMystyry]

Hillwalker! Congratulations on your 2500th post!

[MANICHAEAN]

Yacky Da Bach from me too.
M