Flying Visit

[Bar22do]

Flying Visit
for Buteo

I pace the room back and forth.
In the window I cross the apple tree
which goes its own way.
I slouch in the armchair, my fingers
chopping seconds on the armrest,
feet play seek and hide until they tangle.
The wait stretches like chewing gum
bulging into a bubble - - - bursts

when you arrive. Your jacket
on the floor, we exchange news in duet,
swallow an omelet with herbes de Provence,
wage mimic war in bathroom mirror.

We run to where linen
loses itself in linen, curtains time;
skin, gasps, warmth; and the bed's
arpeggios exalt our appetite.

Locked in a searing embrace, we cauterize
our recent separation. But the next spins the clock -

your jacket is zipped, we leave for the train.

I wave goodbye and run with the carriage
till I’m left behind.
And I stop.

[hillwalker]

I hope the title doesn't refer to your presence on these pages.....

I loved the way you portray the build-up to this all-to-brief assignation -

I slouch in the armchair, my fingers
chopping seconds on the armrest,
feet play seek and hide until they tangle.

- a sense of chaotic panic (reversing the normal 'hide and seek') overwhelming the narrator and the reader by this point.

Then the passion of the moment - absence healed by a searing flame that 'cauterizes' rather than by slowburning embers.

And the final line - where the reader also stops to catch their breath before re-reading.

Great work, bar

H

[PrinceMyshkin]

There's something wonderfully moving about the final verse, the narrative briskness, the sense that time leaves no room for embellishments of the moment, and the last line of all, of course, may be nothing more than the inevitable narrative completion but "I stop" also hints that the narrator's life itself stops, she ceases to exist, with the departure of her lover.

[Hawkman]

Great poem, Bar, Good to have you back :D

Live and be well, H

[AuntShecky]

It's wonderful to have see you back here, especially with this lovely little snapshot of an all too-brief encounter,beautifully detailed with specific images, even from the beginning with the speaker's reflection on the apple tree outside the window, through the images evocative of a woman anticipating the arrival of her love.(The stretched out bubble metaphor is inspired!)

Hope you will grace us with even more of these gifts

[Bar22do]

Hill, Prince, Auntie, Hawk! thanks for your reactions! nice to be back, be it for a 'flying visit' :) and for the pleasure of reading your posts!!
Hill, the hide and seek reversion was intentional and you got the intention almost right (not really a panic, but "can't wait any longer" feeling).
Prince, you're right and the poem wants to illustrate how time perception varies according to the circumstance. The final stop halts all. She's out of breath (but she still exists!). The meeting is over. Time stops, but not at all like in the moment of love. Poem is over.
Hawk, you seem to be pleased with this work. So am I too.
Auntie, your appreciation means a great deal to me...
Any suggestions for improvement?
In any case, thanks again for your kind comments. Bar

[Haunted]

I love this mini movie of a poem, playing out so vividly with a torrent of changing emotions, making the abrupt end even more dramatic.

[Bar22do]

Thanks so much, Haunted.

[blank|verse]

Hi Bar - good to have you back with this typically readable, enjoyable narrative poem.

I liked the apple tree 'going its own way' - the symbolic apple tree, waiting to have its fruit devoured by an inquisitive Eve?

I felt this section could have been pacier:

In one breath we run to where linen
loses itself in linen, curtains time;
skin, gasps, warmth; and the bedstead
creaks, witness to our appetite.

it gets rather wordy and abstract - nicely so in the 'linen' imagery, but perhaps for a different poem. I think the contrast of a slower first half and speedier second (which you achieve more successfully in the three words 'skin, gasps, warmth') might have been more effective.

Also, the bed creaking as a witness doesn't work very well for me as you're mixing senses - a witness looks with their eyes but remains silent and detached; here the bed is complicit and perhaps should be joining in the celebratory by shouting about the lovers' appetite.

But it's still full of life and full of great moments. b|v

[firefangled]

Bar, you make such vivid pictures with this. The movement is cinematic, and culminates like one of those films that is over before you expected it to be.

[Bar22do]

B/V, he, he, but Eve only gracefully tasted of the forbidden fruit (they say it was vine's fruit, not the apple, but apple remained the symbol indeed...)! Thanks for reading, I first thought of the bed's complicity, though on reflection the "criminal" connotation going with accomplice made me change the line, also because a witness can still interact, can't he, not only see or observe. I definitely agree (and vaguely felt it before) S3 was over-worded and thus slowed what was meant to feel like no time...

How about sth like:

In one breath we run: skin, gasps,
warmth; and the bedstead creaks,
as if partaking in our appetite./echoing our appetite?

Fire, does it mean a good movie or a frustrating one, or good because frustrating? Anyhow, thanks a lot for reading and commenting.

Best to you both, Bar

[firefangled]

Fire, does it mean a good movie or a frustrating one, or good because frustrating? Anyhow, thanks a lot for reading and commenting.



These are my favorite films. They end realistically, often unexpectedly, as your poem end so perfectly.

[Scheherazade]

W a r n i n g

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[Bar22do]

These are my favorite films. They end realistically, often unexpectedly, as your poem end so perfectly.

ah, and of course, fire, thanks a lot for your addition! :) Bar

[blank|verse]

Hmm, it's a shame to lose the 'linen' imagery altogether...

In the re-written version 'partaking' is the wrong word; echoing is better, although still a bit passive (like 'witness', although I accept your point that they can be involved in a situation).

Hmm, again! :)

[Bar22do]

Hmm, it's a shame to lose the 'linen' imagery altogether...

In the re-written version 'partaking' is the wrong word; echoing is better, although still a bit passive (like 'witness', although I accept your point that they can be involved in a situation).

Hmm, again! :)

hmmm indeed...

what about "urging"

We run to where linen
loses itself in linen, curtains time;
skin, gasps, warmth; and the bedstead
creaks, urging our appetite.

??? any better?