Mellow Sun

[-Ellipsis-]

She listened to the mellow sun tell secrets of the moon.
Using aspirations to consume this afternoon.

Blissful clouds and shimmering rain, blocking out the sky.
Blissful clouds and shimmering rain, bringing down her high.

[hillwalker]

The first two lines sound very melodious - the s's nicely mimicking the whispers of secrets being told - but the second line on its own doesn't really work.

I'm guessing you searched for a rhyme for 'moon', came up with 'afternoon' and wedged it in place as carefully as you could without much thought for creating a sentence that made any kind of sense.

The same is true of the second couplet - 'bringing down her high' - is neither grammatically correct nor easy to understand. Again, any potential sense is compromised by rhyme.

A lot of writers starting to write poetry are under the misapprehension that the lines must rhyme. If they do then it's poetry. And they are invariably wrong.

Writing down your thoughts or observations clearly so they can be understood by the reader has to come ahead of rhyme or meter. If your message is clear in your head then you can tinker with the words later so they flow more smoothly perhaps, or blend together in a way that adds another dimension to the piece.

Line 1 and 3 are excellent - but 2 and 4 need a complete rewrite imho

H

[-Ellipsis-]

i was just trying to say that the clouds and rain was a buzz kill for her. how else could have i written that? in a short sentence like that?

[hillwalker]

Gotcha - so 'her high' was her moment of ecstasy. Perhaps in that case we need to be told earlier in the poem that she was 'on a high' to begin with. Line 2 would seem a perfect place to introduce the idea.....

I did enjoy it btw

H