Pretend poetry

[Deriath]

So, I honestly couldn’t help but type up this kind of atmosphere, although I do feel that the rhyming scheme is off (again) and also that this is another lengthy poem that can most likely be either broken down or consolidated. I feel that it’s one to pull out some kind of emotion other than confusion. So please read on and observe as a reader then observe as a critic. I think it’s a baby’s step worth of improvement but who knows.



Lets just pretend
My not so imaginary friend
That you have a slight concern
Of my opinion to this trend

Lets just pretend
That the words I say
Mean something to anyone
Who hear them through the day

Lets just pretend
That I am visible
And obviously conspicuous
So much that it makes people even curious

Well…

Now I know I’m being delirious

But lets just pretend
Just give it a try
That me being irrelevant
Was all just a lie
That these tears are fake
Just wind blowing in my eyes
That the emptiness is hunger
And not my heart
which may have died

So please…just this once
Just for kicks

Let us pretend

That I exist.

[yuka]

let's just pretend
it's a release of mind
like a happy bird
freely fly in the sky

a little bit loose, but really a comfortable read

[Hawkman]

Hi Deriath

Firstly, the thing which stirkes the reader is the lack of punctuation. You need to separate the subordinate clauses with commas. It makes it easier to read.

It should be concern for my opinion on or of this trend.

"So much that it makes people even curious"

I'd drop 'So much'

"That me* being irrelevant" * should be my

"That the emptiness is hunger
And* not my heart * But
which may have died"

On the whole I quite like the poem but the rhythm is a little clunky in places.

Live and be well, H

[hillwalker]

This isn't all that bad a read, despite the rhyme that on occasion seems to be holding the reins.

But I would remove

Well…
Now I know I’m being delirious

I'm assuming it's an attempt at humour but it is out of context - an attempt to keep up with the rhyme at the expense of everything else before and after.

H

[Buh4Bee]

I think this is a poem that may sound better when read aloud than when read by a reader. It has a sing-song quality, maybe even lyrical that makes it pleasant despite the sadness of the theme.