A Clear, Sunny Day

[rtc143]

So, I thought I'd show everyone another story I wrote and get some more feedback. This one is alittle dark, but it's interesting. lol Hope you (whoever you may be) enjoys it.

It began like any other day. It was a clear, sunny day outside as parents left for work and children rode school buses. It was a clear, sunny day as animals roamed large expanses and preyed on weaker specimens. It was a clear, sunny day as people created and destroyed. It was a clear, sunny day as life flourished throughout the world. It was a clear, sunny day.

Then, that clear and sunny day became “not so clear” and “not so sunny...”

And to think it all began like any other day; except for one thing. A button. A red button. Multiple red buttons, to be exact. Red buttons that were controlled by bad individuals. Individuals with greedy, self- absorbed minds, no conscious and loose fingers good, only, for pressing red buttons. It was inevitable. Power fell to those who deserved nothing more than a kingship over dirt. (And even that was too much if you ask me) So, inevitably, power led bad, loose-fingered individuals down a red path.

That was when that clear and sunny day became “not so clear” and “not so sunny…”

The sky grew darker as massive waves of thundering missiles dropped out of the sky via aircraft and satellite. The sky grew even darker with smoke, ash and brokenness. Broken bones, limbs, hearts, dreams, hopes, aspirations, inspirations, opportunities, doubts, emotions and life as we know it. Life stood still for a moment. Life stood still. Red was all life could see. Only this time, this red was not a button. It was blood. It was the blood of parents going to work, children on school buses, animals hunting their prey, people creating and destroying and life that once flourished. Power led to this blood. At this point, being powerful meant being powerless to utilize any power at all. The bad individuals had no one left to rule but themselves and their loose fingers.

Few people managed to survive. However, ash and debris was all that was left to them. Hatred over nothing had consumed the world in a hellish, fiery storm filled with emptiness. And so the world sat in silence, hoping only for one thing: a clear, sunny day.

[hillwalker]

I'm not sure this qualifies as a story since not a great deal happens - except for the destruction of the Earth. It's more like a short report from a sidebar in a newspaper.....

But I read from start to finish - and there are some very good parts (as well as some not so good).

I like the way you bookend the piece with virtually the same phrase - 'a clear, sunny day'. It ties it up neatly and anticipates a new beginning.

I also liked the suggestion that it was just another, ordinary day - except for one red button. The way you introduce this tiny object is very effective - already the reader is expecting the worst.

What didn't I like?

Most of all the constant, tiresome repetition within the first 2 paragraphs (and again in paragraph 4). I know you used this as a stylistic device to stress how normal the scene was prior to the devastation. But for me you have overwritten the introduction even though many of the elements are mirrored in the second half. The reader, assuming he sticks with it, is on his knees by now begging you to get on with the 'story'.

And lines like 'Then, that clear and sunny day became “not so clear” and “not so sunny...”' where you requote yourself are a dreadfully contrived habit and should never be used except in emergencies - it's even worse when you do it twice within the space of 3 paragraphs.

The other problem was the brevity of the action - it arrived out of the blue then departed within the space of 2 sentences leaving the aftermath. No tension to speak of. No plot development or characerisation - which is why I hesitate to call it a 'story'.

Finally - you rely so much on parallelism, where you endlessly repeat certain words or phrases to build up the sense of loss and destruction in fact have the opposite effect.

.....life as we know it. Life stood still for a moment. Life stood still

At this point, being powerful meant being powerless to utilize any power at all.

What does that ridiculous sentence mean? The 'story' actually grinds to a halt at both points, and then when we are expecting some huge revelation or condemnatory statement from the writer you go and pop the balloon with a weak phrase like 'bad individuals' - you might as well have replaced 'bad' with 'naughty' and destroyed the entire mood.

You no doubt enjoyed writing this - and it has a certain style and flair - but it's a case of 'smoke and mirrors'. On the surface it looks smart, but there's nothing much lying behind it.

There's no doubt that you are an accomplished writer. But in this particular piece your individual voice has been drowned out by the fancy stuff, none of which works particularly well.

H

PS - I forgot to mention the font size. Bigger is better when reading on a pc screen.

[rtc143]

thank you for your input and suggestions hill. I will definately re-evaluate my piece and possibly repost a revised version. thanks again.