Hoping For Science

[Gizlam]

I wrote this a few days ago. Again grammar/spelling nazi's are welcome :D I need it!

I shy away because I know
I can’t get as close to you
as I need. I can’t get inside
and turn your thoughts in my hand.
Whatever I tell Myself
You are my mystery
I do not know you.
Why do I shy away?
From loving you?
From Holding you?
From lying with you?
I cannot dissolve
Into you.
Become you.
Become your atoms.
Become your thoughts.
I melt but not into you
I melt around you.
A covering, not a part.
We shall forever be apart.
I will never know you.
When you leave.
It will be like we never were.
You will shed a skin
Or my mind will
see you as a new being.
Something strange.
Alien.
So for now I will close myself
off from you. Form a barrier.
Mentally.
Until science uncovers a find
for me to live inside your mind.

Thanks :D

[hillwalker]

There's nothing here to get worked up about regarding grammar or spelling - the occasional misplaced capital letter but that's all.

As for the important bit - the poem. It's a little self-aware, but you can be forgiven that. There are some interesting and original ideas here - about melting around a lover rather than inside her, and longing to share her atomic structure.

I think some of this could be cut back -

We shall forever be apart.
I will never know you.

is repeating much of what you have already said, but in a rather weak way.

I think you would do better to explore the 'melting around' theme - perhaps how someone's feelings can create a shell around the one they love; making them feel trapped and suffocated, making them feel a need to break free, and so undermine the structure of any relationship that was forming.

You have so much more to explore here I believe, have fun

H

[PrinceMyshkin]

This is a strong expression of the ideal of romantic love, until the last five lines, where the persona's frustration at existing limitations seems to turn vindictive or punitive: if he can't love love her as he would like to, then he won't do it at all.