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sweety
12-08-2010, 03:17 PM
It was hard going on the icy footpath for the sallow faced man and even more so when the trees shook their excess snow on him. "Damned snow" he thought, "what's it good for?", standing upright and shaking the snow flakes from his gray hair and groping around in the snow for his tweed cap he carried on walking.
Both sides of the tree-lined street were glistening in the winter sunshine, and were creaking under the weight of the white invasion. He had no choice but to stick to the edge of the footpath to avoid further mishap, his old black army overcoat kept him warm.

The old couple watching him from the warmth of their second story apartment on the corner of Fond street were fortunate in having a grand view of the cross-roads.
They saw the old man shuffling along the pavement towards the corner shop where they sold everything from sweets to an MP3 player and there was talk of grass being pushed as well.

Stopping for a moment to see if the corner boys were about, he bumped into a fellow carrying a carcass over his shoulder and watched him throw it into the back of his delivery van.
But the corner boys saw him and decided to use him as a target for their snowball throwing.
Whoosh...., the first one went flying past his whiskered face, the next one knocking his cap to the pavement. Their aim was improving when the next one got him smack in the gob.
The bombardment continued, eventually knocking him off-balance and he fell to the pavement. The attack broke off when the drug dealer arrived with his bag of poison.
Stumbling onwards, the old couple saw him reach the safety of the zebra crossing at Fond street.
A squad car stopped to give way to the dishevelled old man with icicle's dripping from his old overcoat, and hobbling along at a snails pace. They felt sorry for the old geezer and couldn’t understand why he was out in this foul weather.

On the far side of the street a constable came to his aid, brushing the ice from his coat, as well as helping him aboard a double-decker bus. After showing the conductor his free bus pass he took a seat by the window, the warm air made him feel groggy.

Crushing the snow beneath his feet when he left the bus, he mounted the footpath. And a child running past threw him off-balance, but he managed to stay upright.

He then made his way past a toy-shop where children were clamouring to get at Santa, to tell him their Christmas wishes. "I want mine now" the shrill cry of a little girl,pierced his ears.

After turning left at the corner of Plucky Lane, he saw the post office up ahead. walking on the footpath of Plucky was easier due to the warmth escaping from the department stores. and less hazardous, entering the post-office he shuffled over to the cashier, handed her a plastic bag and from his pocket he took out an old army pistol and said "This is a robbery, if you don’t put the money from the cash box into this plastic bag I will shoot you."

Back on the street he was just in time to catch a bus the money and the pistol were in the plastic bag. A few stops further up he rang the stop bell and got off. Then he caught another bus back to Fond street.

The old man and his wife saw him come on to the cross-roads carrying a plastic bag and step onto the zebra crossing. The driver of the van with the carcass in the back came to a halt and motioned for him to cross ''A kind butcher'' said the old woman.

The corner boys courting their *****es saw him too and began their assault when he approached their turf. Quickening his pace he saw the dark figures lurking up ahead and the three twelve-year-old girls, pounced on him, knocking him to the ground and after a gruesome beating grabbed his plastic bag and ran. The pusher waiting in his pimp-mobile opened the car door and they handed him the bag.

The sweet taste of blood that escaped from his injures made him reason he was still among the living. Shocked, the elderly couple thought he had died, then they saw him clinging to the lamp-post to maintain his footing and with an effort, he started walking the four blocks to his lodgings.

Very frightened by witnessing the brutal assault on the elderly man, they drew the blinds. Darkness crept in, throwing its shadow on the old man. He thought he heard the cry of the banshee, when shivering, he put the key in the lock and let himself in. Limping to the fridge, he took out the last can of sardines, threw an old bedspread over his shoulders and passed away.
:angel:

Delta40
12-08-2010, 05:39 PM
I don't know why, but the setting of this story and the character put me in mind of Michael Caine in Harry Brown.

hillwalker
12-09-2010, 10:58 AM
The ending was a bit unexpected, and not particularly necessary. Does he have to die to make the story more ironic than it already is? I don't know.

Also, at times the slight increase in tension (the snowball assault for example and the stick-up) loses momentum because you insist on telling us exactly where in town he is (a list of street names that don't really linger in the memory of the reader because so much happens in such a short space of time).

I also felt the old couple observing the events of the day had the same effect - drawing the reader's attention from the old man.
And the rather stereotypical cast of characters was a little over done.

All these negatives - but with a little readjustment it could be turned into a very interesting story, with a memorable character.

Finally - that opening line - I wouldn't mention his sallow-face so soon. For now it is enough that the reader sees the man struggling through the snow and understands his irritation. Descriptions of his skin tone and whatever else can be left until later in the story (if indeed they are necessary) when the reader has got to know him better.

H

sweety
12-09-2010, 12:23 PM
Hi Hillwalker, thanks for your encouragement, I have taken your advice and I'm reading more short stories. I feel I'm learning a lot from this forum.
I know I have a long way to go, but my head is full with (nonsense) stories and I have to get them out.


Thanks to you too Delta.