Fragment

[_Shannon_]

When we dance, we go nowhere
Just around and around in one spot
I get nauseous
And since I am the one to ask
Stopping is my fault.

An entire lifetime of unspoken words
Stands between us.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Sometimes the most powerful poems, or the most powerful parts of poems, are what is left out. As in a drawing, the "negative space" of this one is as provocative as what is actually presented. A triumph of economy.

[_Shannon_]

Thank you, Prince.

[blank|verse]

I think this is excellent, Shannon, and deserving of more comments than it has so far received.

I completely echo Prince's comments about the power of the piece through being so economical. There's so much information in lines 4 and 5 about the narrator, how she (I presume) thinks of herself, and of her relationship with her partner; it's masterfully observed and expressed. Sometimes whispering speaks louder than shouting.

The only things I would suggest are to change the title to something which is less apologetic; and perhaps (at least if you're going to write something similar in future) maybe consider tightening the poem even more or adding rhymes or half-rhymes, to make it more coherent.

Brilliant.

[_Shannon_]

Can you explain half rhyme to me?

Wow...well if you think it's worth saving or tweaking, I think I'll devote some time to it. If I revise, I'll repost. Thank you!

[blank|verse]

Hi Shannon - I'm sure there are plenty of websites and books that can explain 'half-rhyme' more comprehensively than me, but it's basically when you use words that don't rhyme perfectly.

Eg. book-look, house-mouse, love-dove, etc. are all 'full' rhymes, but you can also use words that almost rhyme like book-cake, house-hiss, love-prove, that I (somewhat lazily) lump together as 'half-rhymes' (these are also referred to as slant rhymes or pararhymes and are all different, but bear with me). So you can rhyme words because the consonants are the same but not the vowels, or vice versa, or they look the same (eye-rhyme) amongst others.

In your poem, 'nauseous' and 'us', and 'spot' and 'fault' technically count as half-rhymes, but I think that's just accidental. Having a rhyme scheme would make this more obvious.

Wilfred Owen is seen as one of the first poets to use half-rhyme effectively, because he was using it for a purpose - to reflect the 'imperfect' world of war. Likewise, in your poem, things aren't going perfectly, so half-rhyme is a way you can reflect this in the form of the poem, as well as expressing it through the words, or content, of the poem.

Hope that helps! b|v :)

[_Shannon_]

Cool! Thanks! I think I'll play around with it some. If nothing else, it seems like it'd be a fun language game.

I'm a very lazy poet. I don't spend much time with structure. I just go with what sounds right to me. But I think some of my poems which are meh, could actually be pretty decent if I unslacked a little in regards to structure.