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Loramir
12-05-2010, 10:37 PM
This is an over-descriptive cliché outburst of things :D
It was inspired by a recent campaign for the awareness of child abuse... basically a lot of cack from my mind but I hope you enjoy this miniature short story
Lora x


The violent crunch of leaves beneath my feet chased me through the bracken. With every leap, an acerbic array of thorns griped at my ankles, stripping me bare of my dignity and skin. The white-washed face that stared hopelessly back in every reflection grew pale and gaunt as the blood rushed to my feet. I could no longer run, I could no longer scream, nobody would come for they were blissfully sleeping, under the moon’s cruel spell. All at once canopies of imposing trees and chattering birds caved in on me and the greyish murmur of colour dissipated into black, its hands engulfing my eyes, blinding me from the far off light of breaking dawn. Then fell the bitter silence. The very silence I once took solitude in had betrayed me, boding me unsafe passage in my escape, for it concealed the ambush of blast after violent blast, attacking from all directions. The sounds of the urban jungle awaking, street noises deceiving and swallowing me whole like a visceral viper. My defences down, my white flag risen, he stole that which was not his, and I gave all that was mine. Torn.

Steven Hunley
12-05-2010, 10:53 PM
Don't provide an explanation of the work as if it was a disclaimer. You can write. Think about it and incorporate it into the story. You're clever. Your prose reads almost like poetry. You people from the UK certainly know your way around the English language. And why not? It's your mother tongue.

Loramir
12-05-2010, 11:11 PM
Haha sorry i'm new to showing people my writing, and everyone on here is so good ^_^
Thank you very much :)

hillwalker
12-06-2010, 06:59 AM
This piece is driven along just like a hunted beast - extremely effective writing, very atmospheric.

And Stephen is spot on - there's no need for an apologetic preamble (no matter how insecure you feel about your talents). Let your writing speak up for itself.

This is great stuff - and would be a good foundation for a complete story.

My only tiny quibble would be that some of the sentences are rather too long, draining the tension away from the suspense you have carefully created. A balance of long and short can often be very effective, especially when someone is being chased. Short, snappy sentences allow you to imagine the person struggling for breath - they won't have enough to say much more than a few words most of the time.

.....and I'm assuming your ankles were gripped not griped. :-)


H

Loramir
12-06-2010, 01:01 PM
Hey hillwalker
Thanks for the feedback
I would love to extend this, so i will work on the sentence structure tonight and next week repost maybe as a bit longer short story, i just wasn't sure whether it would be wise to give a back story as such, maybe try and keep the tone and descriptive vagueness and imagery.
Yes i meant gripped :)
Thanks again
Lora