Duster Coat

[123ornot]

Terero Azane was an eyesore, obviously the structures and monuments were made of oak -what in 1911 wasn't?- but this place looked like it was struck by a sandstorm.
The villagers gasped as the gates of Terero Azane burst open. In stepped a traveller. The newcomer looked strange to the villagers. But that could just be the fact that they haven't seen a new face in over a century. He had a thin beard, and was wearing a sand-stained duster coat allong with a mexican sombrero. The gun he had holstered was a silver-coated double-action revolver filled with copper headed iron rounds which could pierce a buffalo's skull, yet merely give it brain damage. Everyone started crowding around him like he was a god. The sheriff started pulling out a repeater to force who he was and what his buisiness was out of the strange man. He took that as a challenge and flicked his revolver out and aimed from waist high. The guy in the duster coat slapped teh trigger, the shell exploded as the bullet was forced out. The bullet smacked the sheriff above the right eye. This gun's bullet against a human was like playing chicken with a train from the train's perspective. The villagers whipped out their guns be it revolver, repeater, or carcano rifle. A gust of wind blew just at that moment, and the sand ambushed their eyes. They blindly fired at him. When the wind softened, they saw the pulverized body of the stranger. And although the man in the duster coat was dead, the murderous rage that he possessed was not...

[hillwalker]

Well, you manage to create a good deal of suspense here. But some of the smart expressions you let slip suggest you are trying too hard to be original?

I didn't understand the reference to a bullet being able to give a buffalo brain damage for example (having pierced its skull). It seems amusing yet totally unbelieveable (and unnecessary to the plot).

Also, the villagers 'starting' to crowd around him (as if he was a god???) and the sheriff 'starting' to pull out his gun. Repetition like this is a bit careless. Then it's followed by 'to force who he was and what his buisiness was out of the strange man' (what a horrible tangle of words).

This piece could be trimmed a little to make it more effective - and also it might create even more tension if the second part (when the bullets start flying) wasn't so meaningless. Why would one man choose to take on a whole village single-handed?

You obviously enjoyed writing this, and it reads well enough up to a point. It's just a case of trying too hard with setting the scene but not hard enough with the plot (unless you have more to follow, and it gets better).

H

[123ornot]

Thanks for your review. You see, I intended on making it longer, but had no idea where I was going with it. The secret to this mysterious man was that he was going to be a spirit of a murderer put restless because of the seperation of his body and his duster coat which was the only reminder of his family that was brutally slaughtered when he was 15.