Dragons Fall

[nightshifft]

Dragons Fall

Naught but a mote in heavens sky blue gaze,
soft moans carried upon earthy breeze.
Fierce heart flutters and skips a beat,
mighty breast falls quiet,
now begins the last flight.
Muscle and sinew locked in place with a grip stronger than
this dragons combined hopes and faith.
Spiraling downward to mother earths embrace,
this creature of flight has lost the finale race.
Soft eyes stare in unfocussed sight turn for the last time towards
blue sky's dancing light.
Lips curl in a slight smile
memories blind him to
this spiraling flight.
Crashing to the ground, mother earth claims
the last of her lost children.
Broken bones,
broken dreams,
as memory fades
if only there had been time
as I slip into the
long night

dark

[Delta40]

omg, this poem is like the magical rising hopes contained within my breast which soar madly, wildly - only to be dashed and crushed as the hand of fate swats them

wonderful

[nightshifft]

thank you i did this one some time ago actually when a lady friend left me in our group her name was Skye so your perception was dead on

[Scheherazade]

My interpretation of the poem was quite different but I will not, of course, argue with the poet himself! :p

An enjoyable read, full of descriptions. Some punctuation/spelling oversights:
Dragon's Fall


Naught but a mote in heaven's sky blue gaze,
soft moans carried upon earthy breeze.
Fierce heart flutters and skips a beat,
mighty breast falls quiet,
now begins the last flight.
Muscle and sinew locked in place with a grip stronger than
this dragon's combined hopes and faith.
Spiraling downward to mother earth's embrace,
this creature of flight has lost the final race.
Soft eyes stare in unfocussed sight turn for the last time towards
blue sky's dancing light.
Lips curl in a slight smile
memories blind him to
this spiraling flight.
Crashing to the ground, mother earth claims
the last of her lost children.
Broken bones,
broken dreams,
as memory fades
if only there had been time
as I slip into the
long night


Also, the repeated "spiraling" takes away from the word's effect, I think. After a revision, it will read even better I am sure :)

[Hawkman]

Hi Nightshift,

in addition to Sher's comments I would also advise paying a little attention to line breaks. This passage in particular doesn't quite work:

"Soft eyes stare in unfocussed sight turn for the last time towards
blue sky's dancing light."

firstly the eyes should stare with unfocussed sight (comma and line break here)
and one last turn towards blue sky's dancing light,"

"turn for the last time" reads clunkily to me so I suggest the modification above.

You don't need that last dark either. This is an interesting piece with room for improvement and I look forward to seeing what you do with it.

Best, H

[yuka]

some beautiful lines i very like;

now begins the last flight
Lips curl in a slight smile
memories blind him to
this spiraling flight.

[hillwalker]

I agree with much of what has already been written above - with the added quibble that 'mother earth' also puts in a double appearance.

With some ruthless trimming this could be a really impressive piece - but there's a lot of unnecessary repetition that detracts from the impact the way it reads at present.

H

[nightshifft]

My interpretation of the poem was quite different but I will not, of course, argue with the poet himself!

would love to know your interpretation

[cogs]

i like the expressiveness of the images. i agree this is a good poem. at the end, the person changes from the dragon, to 'i'. maybe, "as memory fades [into his last thought,] \ 'if only there had been time'"