The Mask

[kittypaws]

Been struggling with this...any words of wisdom would be appreicated....the first two stanzas are not too bad...the feeling is of being a fake in a relationship...now you may ask how does some one be a fake in a relationship? Easy they lie to you, they tell you what you want to hear not what is how they really feel ~ which ends up being all about making themselve feel great....odd, I always thought a relationship was about completing EACH other....

Anyway take a look ... i need to get this out of my system.

Sometime late in the eve
Your mask is removed.
The one you wear
To hide your true you.

The eyes, the soul, the spirit;
All that lies within
Is bare to the wind,
Of wondering minds;
Including mine.

And those who already know
What lies within.
The secrets kept deep
Are blown back to the wind.

Kittypaws

PS i hope it was OK for me to write an intro.....Please let me know if it is not!

[Hawkman]

Hi kitty,

S1 Line 1 you can say in the evening or on the eve. but in this case one is left wondering, the eve of what? the sense, contextually would suggest evening to be the more appropriate word here. I don't like, "your true you." I'm afraid. I think, "the true you." would be better.

The repetition of wind in S2 and S3 weakens the second one and as it's the last word of the poem I'd suggest changing wind in S2. How about gaze here... I don't think you need that list at the beginning of S2 either, it would be far more effective if the line was more structured:

"Behind the eyes
all that lies within"

hope this helps, H

[hillwalker]

I agree with Hawk regarding 'eve' - since it normally refers to a specific night before an event rather than just any night.

'Your mask is removed' I also found a little difficult to figure out mechanically - does the person 'remove' their own mask or does some other agent remove it -

perhaps 'Your mask slips down' would be more fitting (since what you are writing about generally becomes apparent by accident as often as not).

I'm not particularly fond of 'your true you' or 'the true you' - 'To hide behind' is sufficient to get the meaning across imho.

Verse 2 - again Hawk makes a valid point about the rather cliche'ed list at the start of this - I would have gone for something more abstract along the lines of

'Your second face / laid bare at last / for every eye to scrutinize / including mine'

(I'm sure you get the idea and can come up with your own variation).

and Verse 3 is fine (apart from Line 1 which is probably unnecessary).

Apologies for tinkering so radivally with your work - and as for including an intro, why not? It's always interesting to see what drives someone to write a poem and how the process develops.

H

[kittypaws]

Thank you Hawk and H.

You have no idea how much you have helped me focus to improve my writing!

Stay warm and safe.

kittypaws:)

[Haunted]

Mask is usually a metaphor in most literary writing so I don't think you need to explain any further with "The one you wear / To hide your true you." I"d leave that out.

I wonder what the function of "Sometime late in the eve" is for. Is it nightly, or just that particular night?