Please help to check letter of motivation

[lookyoung80]

Hi,

I am now applying for master course in computer science. As required by admission procedure, I have to submit a letter of motivation. Because English is not my native language, I think there are many mistakes in my letter.

Please kindly help me to check and give your suggestion.

I appreciate your time and support.

Thank you
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Dear Sir/Madam,

In addition to the attached documents, I wish to take this great opportunity to explain why I was motivated to apply for xxx Master course.

My passion for computer dates back to my high school days. I still remember how excited I was when I received my first computer as a gift my parents awarded me for being accepted into The Special Class for Gifted Youth in high school. From that time onwards, I am fascinated by the power of computers and overwhelmed by the ideal of becoming an IT expert in future.

To pursue my desire, I decided to do an Engineer of Information Technology degree (5 years degree program) at xxx university, which is rated as one of the best universities for technology in Thailand. During my undergraduate years, I acquired a comprehensive knowledge in mathematics and computer science, while also maintaining high performances in other non-related courses. My graduation thesis titled as “project name” was a practical project sponsored by the government. In this project, I and my team not only solved theoretical problems of techniques to synchronize multiple data streams but also built an interactive learning system over distributed multimedia network. It laid the foundation of my research career, as it taught me how to be a serious scientific researcher and a team coordinator.

In addition to my educational background, I also possess a vast experience in diverse working environments. My CV indicates in detail of the skills and competencies I developed by handling various jobs. Throughout my professional career, I have always held highly responsible positions, from software team leader in a private company to the Head of Technical Department in a big state-owned corporation, specializing in telecommunications and information technology. During the past year, I have been working as the Product Manager at xxx Corporation, a multi-national corporation providing IT/Telecom equipment and services. The responsibility of this position not only keeps me abreast of latest technology but also improves the ability to adapt to multicultural working environment. Being more than 03 years in the IT industry, I have been able to broaden my professional knowledge; acquire valuable research experience together with outstanding leadership and management skills. It also taught me the value of commitment and perseverance in the pursuit of achieving my goals.

Although I am very enthusiastic about what I am doing now, I have realized that I need to advance my knowledge further in order to handle various situations and issues in the field and also to aspire my dream of becoming an IT expert. Additionally, in recent years, while globalization with advances in technology, communication and social protocols have put people all over the world in touch as never before -- creating equal opportunity for them to access knowledge and compete with others, the development of modern technology in developing countries still has been lagging behind in many aspects. Being a citizen of a developing country, I also consider it is my responsibility to contribute to the efforts of narrowing the gap between Thailand and rest of the world. To achieve all these objectives, I need better training than what I have already received to date in my home country. Fortunately, I found xxx Master Course with features which are well aligned with my academic desires and aspirations.
Firstly, the xxx Master Course is a unique program designed for well prepared students. Taking this course not only provide me with an advanced knowledge in Data Mining and Knowledge Management but also keep me abreast of latest technology and ideas in the field. The program contents combining advanced coursework with practical research also help me to develop skills valuable for practicing professionals such as critical thinking, analytic ability, and time management. I am sure that this course would lay a solid foundation for my future successes in career.
Secondly, from what I have found out in your website , I believe that xxx Master Course with good reputation of high quality education standards, extremely distinguished faculty members and state-of-the-art research facilities would provide perfect studying environment for students. I consider it is the key to decide whether I am able to successfully achieve my goals or not. Besides, the Master program offered by a consortium of leading European higher education institutions also helps me broaden my horizons and open new doors that would not have opened for me otherwise. By meeting and interacting with students and professors from all over the world, I can easily build up my own collaboration network and knowledge base, which will be very useful for my future work.

Finally, I was attracted by the mobility that xxx Master Course offers. This enables students to attend the course at universities in different European countries. Such multiple locations not only expose interesting perspectives of academic study, but also give students extraordinary opportunity to explore European countries and cultures. Personally, I am deeply impressed with Europe through many books and movies I have seen. In my mind, European is always the most beautiful and peaceful place in the world and I wish I would be able to follow my graduate study there.

With all mentioned above, I do hope to be given a chance to realize my objectives by being granted an admission and scholarship. I am confident that I will match the high standards set by the program with my diverse academic background and research & work experience.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

[hillwalker]

There are a few minor grammatical points that I have changed. Also some of the style and expressions you have used are a little clumsy so I have adjusted these accordingly (and underlined them).

I have also toned down some of the rather over-formal, obsequious expressions that would come across as far too reverential in Europe. Showing too much respect is sometimes taken as a sign of insincerity, although I am sure in your case nothing could be further from the truth.

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Dear Sir/Madam,

The first sentence is probably the most important – first impressions are vital, so I would not digress by referring to the ‘attached documents’ since their inclusion will probably be self-evident. Something short and to the point is the best opening line…..

Please allow me to introduce myself and explain what has motivated me to apply for xxx Master’s course.

Then say in as few words as possible who you are and what your current position is…., again keeping things as simple and direct as possible…..

My passion for computers dates back to when I received my first computer as a gift from my parents for being accepted into The Special Class for Gifted Youth in high school. Ever since then I have been fascinated by the potential [better than power I think] of computers and my sole ambition has always been to become an IT expert.

To achieve this desire, I decided to do an Engineer of Information Technology degree (5 years degree program) at xxx university, which is rated as one of the best universities for technology in Thailand. During my undergraduate years, I acquired a comprehensive knowledge in mathematics and computer science, while also maintaining high performances in other non-related courses. My graduation thesis titled as “project name” was a practical project sponsored by the government. In this project, I and my team not only solved theoretical problems of techniques to synchronize multiple data streams but also built an interactive learning system over distributed multimedia network. It laid the foundation of my research career, as it taught me how to be a serious scientific researcher and a team coordinator.

In addition to my educational background, I have gained a great deal of experience in diverse working environments. My CV lists in detail the skills and competencies I developed by handling various jobs. Throughout my professional career, I have always held highly responsible positions, from software team leader in a private company to the Head of Technical Department in a big state-owned corporation, specializing in telecommunications and information technology. During the past year, I have been working as the Product Manager at xxx Corporation, a multi-national corporation providing IT/Telecom equipment and services. The responsibility of this position not only keeps me abreast of latest technology but also improves the ability to adapt to multicultural working environment. Having spent more than 03 years in the IT industry, I have broadened my professional knowledge; acquiring valuable research experience together with outstanding leadership and management skills. It also taught me the value of commitment and perseverance in the pursuit of achieving my goals.

Although I am very enthusiastic about what I am doing now, I realize it would be to my advantage to gain further experience in handling various situations and issues in order to further my career. Additionally, advances in technology, communication and social protocols have improved global and cross-cultural communications. This creates huge potential for equal opportunities world-wide but the advancement of modern technology in developing countries still lags behind in many aspects. Being a responsible citizen of one such developing country, I am keen to contribute to the efforts of narrowing the gap between Thailand and rest of the world. To achieve all these objectives, I need better training than what is currently available in my home country. Fortunately, many features of the xxx Master Course fit closely to my academic desires and aspirations.

Firstly, the xxx Master Course is a unique program designed for well prepared students. Attending this course will not only provide me with an advanced knowledge in Data Mining and Knowledge Management but also keep me abreast of the latest technology and ideas in the field. The program contents combining advanced coursework with practical research will also help me to develop skills valuable for practicing professionals such as critical thinking, analytic ability, and time management. I am sure that this course will provide a solid foundation for further career successes.

Secondly, your reputation is well-documented on your website - high quality educational standards, distinguished faculty members and state-of-the-art research facilities. These are sure to provide a perfect studying environment for students. I consider this the key to the successful achievement of my goals.

The Master program offered by a consortium of leading European higher education institutions will also help me broaden my horizons and hopefully open new doors to a successful career. By meeting and interacting with students and professors from all over the world, I can easily build up my own collaboration network and knowledge base, which will be very useful for my future work.

Finally, I was attracted by the mobility that xxx Master Course offers. This enables students to attend the course at universities in different European countries. Such multiple locations not only invite interesting perspectives of academic study, but also give students an extraordinary opportunity to explore European countries and cultures. The promise of being able to spend time in Europe is extremely exciting and I hope I am able to follow my graduate studies there.

I trust you will consider offering me an opportunity to realize my objectives by being granted an admission and scholarship. I am confident that I will match the high standards set by the program with my diverse academic background and research & work experience.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


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I hope you find these suggested changes of help – and good luck with your application,

H

[lookyoung80]

Thank you very much.
Below is letter that I modified a little according to your suggestion.
However, I myself get the feeling that I give too many details for an idea and repetition of ideas occur quite frequently in my letter. Actually this is my first version and I tended to follow some I read before. Please kindly give your opinion the whole letter.
Maybe I should try another one with fresh mind :-(
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Dear Sir/Madam,

Please allow me to introduce myself and explain what has motivated me to apply for Erasmus Mundus Master Course in xxx master course in this letter.

My passion for computer dates back to my high school days. I still remember how excited I was when I received my first computer as a gift from my parents for being accepted into The Special Class for Gifted Youth in high school. Since then, my fascination over the power of computers never vanished and as a result I have been overwhelmed by the idea of becoming an IT expert. I followed a 5 year degree program in Engineer of Information Technology at xxx university, which is rated as one of the best universities for technology in Thailand. During my undergraduate years, I acquired a comprehensive knowledge in mathematics and computer science, and maintained a high level of performance throughout the program. My graduation thesis, "project name", was a practical project sponsored by the government. In this project, I and my team not only solved theoretical problems of techniques to synchronize multiple data streams but also built an interactive learning system over distributed multimedia network. This project laid the foundation for my research career by giving me the exposure of scientific research skills and team coordination.

In addition to my educational background, I have gained a great deal of experience in diverse working environments. Throughout my professional career, I have always held highly responsible positions, from software team leader in a private company to the Head of Technical Department in a big state-owned corporation. During the past year, I have been working as the Product Manager at xxx corporation, a multi-national corporation providing IT/Telecom equipment and services. The responsibility of this position not only kept me abreast of latest technology but also improved my ability to adapt to a multicultural working environment. Having spent more than 03 years in the IT industry, I have broadened my professional knowledge, acquiring valuable research experience together with outstanding leadership and management skills. It also taught me the value of commitment and perseverance in the pursuit of accomplishing my dream.

Although I am very enthusiastic about my current profession, I realize it would be to my advantage to gain further experience in handling various situations and issues in order to aspire my dream of being an IT expert. Moreover, advances in technology, communication and social protocols have improved global and cross-cultural communications. This creates huge potential for equal opportunities world-wide, but the advancement of modern technology in developing countries still lags behind in many aspects. Being a responsible citizen of one such developing country, I am keen to contribute to the efforts of narrowing the gap between Thailand and rest of the world in respect of information technology. All these objectives demand that I need better training than what is currently available in my home country. Fortunately, I found xxx course with features which are well aligned with my academic desires and aspirations.
Firstly, the xxx Course is a unique program designed for well prepared students. This course would not only provide me with an advanced knowledge in xxx but also keep me abreast of the latest technology and ideas in the field. The program contents combining advanced coursework with practical research would also help me develop skills that are valuable for practicing professionals such as critical thinking, analytic ability, and time management.
Secondly, xxx Course with good reputation of high quality education standards, distinguished faculty members and state-of-the-art facilities would provide its students with perfect studying environment. I consider this the key to the successful achievement of my graduate study. Further, the Master Course offered by a consortium of leading European higher education institutions would help me broaden my horizons and hopefully open new doors that would not have opened for me otherwise. By meeting and interacting with students and professors from all over the world, I can easily build up my own collaborative network and knowledge base, which will be very useful in my future endeavors.

Finally, I was attracted by the mobility that xxx Course offers. This enables students to attend the course at universities in different European countries. Such multiple locations not only invite interesting perspectives of academic study, but also give students an extraordinary opportunity to explore European countries and cultures. The promise of being able to spend time in Europe is extremely exciting. I am very keen on witnessing the beauty of Europe and its rich culture, which I have only experienced in books and movies so far. I wish my graduate studies would provide me this opportunity.

I trust you will consider giving me a chance to realize my objectives by being granted an admission to xxx Course. I am confident that I will match the high standards set by the program with my diverse academic background, research and professional experience.

[hillwalker]

This is an improvement on your rather longer first draft.

But I still believe this paragraph is rather too personal in a letter of application :


My passion for computer dates back to my high school days. I still remember how excited I was when I received my first computer as a gift from my parents for being accepted into The Special Class for Gifted Youth in high school. Since then, my fascination over the power of computers never vanished and as a result I have been overwhelmed by the idea of becoming an IT expert.

- the underlined phrases need changing in my opinion to something along the lines of

My passion for computers dates back to when I received my first computer as a gift from my parents for being accepted into The Special Class for Gifted Youth in high school. Ever since then I have been fascinated by the potential of computers and my over-riding ambition has been to become an IT expert.

('power of computers' suggests processing power - which I'm assuming was not what you intended here)

There are also 3 other small alterations I would advise :


Although I am very enthusiastic about my current profession, I realize it would be to my advantage to gain further experience in handling various situations and issues in order to aspire my dream of being an IT expert.

- should be 'to aspire to my dream' - but 'to achieve my dream' is probably a better expression.


Secondly, xxx Course with good reputation of high quality education standards, distinguished faculty members and state-of-the-art facilities would provide its students with perfect studying environment. I consider this the key to the successful achievement of my graduate study.

- would be better written as

Secondly, xxx Course with its reputation of high quality education standards, distinguished faculty members and state-of-the-art facilities provides its students with the perfect studying environment. I consider this the key to the successful completion of my graduate study.

- and finally


I wish my graduate studies would provide me this opportunity.

should be

I am certain my graduate studies will provide me with this opportunity.

Best of luck

H

[lookyoung80]

I really appreciate your suggestion.
Thank you very much.

[hillwalker]

You are welcome.

[lookyoung80]

Hi hillwalker,

Thanks again for your support recently.

I have to disturb you gain. I just modified my letter a little bit. I added one more paragraph to explain my future plan after graduate program. Please kindly help me check if it is suitable or not.

I really appreciate your suggestion.

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After completion of my Master's program in xxx, I am going back Thailand to dedicate myself to the IT filed. It is likely that I will work as a researcher at a top university or research-oriented organization. However, I do not want to be bound exclusively to academic work. In recent years, although the IT industry in Thailand has been experiencing a great development, but most falls into low intellectual work such as equipment assembly, software outsourcing... That is not sustainable development. While working in an international ICT corporation, I have realized that there were many high intellectual works that Thailander can do, but customer still preferred to use products from foreign firms. What Thailand engineers lack are soft skills such as communication, team working and management skills. Since then, I have been intrigued by the idea of establishing an organization which gathers talented engineers engaging in R&D activities in computer network solution. The objective of the organization is to introduce high quality consultancy services to Thailand enterprises and state agencies, and thereby it will help promote the use of Thailand intellectual products. This is a very difficult task but I believe that after receiving rigorous training in your program, I will be well equipped to achieve my goal and through my work, I can also share knowledge and skills with my colleagues. After all, no matter where I work, the most important thing is that I will be able to take advantage of this master course to contribute to the prosperity of my country.

[hillwalker]

Ok - just a few slight alterations needed:


After completion of my Master's program in xxx, I am going back to Thailand to dedicate myself to the IT field [filed]. It is likely that I will work as a researcher at a top university or research-oriented organization. However, I do not want to be bound exclusively to academic work. In recent years, although the IT industry in Thailand has been expanding, much of the work requires low levels of skill [experiencing a great development, but most falls into low intellectual work ] such as equipment assembly, software outsourcing... That is not sustainable development. While working in an international ICT corporation, I have realized that there were many high-skilled jobs [high intellectual works] that a Thailander can do, but customer still preferred to use products from foreign firms. What Thailand engineers lack are soft skills such as communication, team working and management skills. Since then, I have been intrigued by the idea of establishing an organization which gathers talented engineers engaging in R&D activities in computer network solution. The objective of the organization is to introduce high quality consultancy services to Thailand enterprises and state agencies, and thereby it will help promote the use of Thai [Thailand] intellectual products. This is a very difficult task but I believe that after receiving rigorous training in your program, I will be well equipped to achieve my goal and through my work, I can also share knowledge and skills with my colleagues. After all, no matter where I work, the most important thing is that I will be able to take advantage of this master course to contribute to the prosperity of my country.

Good luck with your endeavours,

H

[lookyoung80]

I got it. Thank you very much.

[themiddleprince]

I think Hillwalker's advice is excellent throughout. Just because it's an application at Masters level, though, you need to be really careful about Grammar. This passage does not quite agree in tense (past, present, future), nor perhaps in quantities:

While working in an international ICT corporation, I have realized that there were many high-skilled jobs that a Thailander can do, but customer still preferred to use products from foreign firms.

If you still work at the corporation, perhaps try:

While working in an international ICT corporation, I have realized that there are [were] many high-skilled jobs that a Thailander can do, but customers [customer] still prefer [preferred] to use products from foreign firms.

or, if you no longer work there:

While working in an international ICT corporation, I realized [have realized] that there were many high-skilled jobs that a Thailander could [can] do, but customers [customer] still preferred to use products from foreign firms.

As I say, if you were applying for a technical college diploma I wouldn't bother with this, but this is a Masters, and your determination and skill deserves the best presentation.

I'd like to join Hillwalker in wishing you the best of luck.

[hillwalker]

I got it. Thank you very much.

That's great news - the power of LitNet!!!

H

[themiddleprince]

Excellent.

[lookyoung80]

Hi,
I really appreciate your suggestion so far. I am sorry that I have to bother you again.
At the beginning, I intended to use the motivation letter for application of several courses in IT. However according to admission officer, it is better if I explain more clearly in my letter why I am motivated to pursue the specific program (in this letter is Master program in embedded computing systems) because the content of every program is different. I already modified some paragraphs in my letter following his advice. I also paid more attention on Grammar but as the writer myself, I think there may have some error that I do not know.
Please kindly help to check literary style, grammar and ideas.
Thank you very much.
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In recent years, although the ICT industry in my country, Thailand, has been expanding, much of the work just requires low levels of skill such as equipment assembly or software outsourcing. On the contrary, many other fields seem to be forgotten and not much emphasis is placed on them, even they have been recognized as the fundamental areas of specialization. Among all these fields, the field of embedded computing systems is particularly appealed me by the idea of “intelligent device”, which is any type of equipment, instrument, or machine having its own computing capability. Nowadays, intelligent devices are becoming more and more popular in our life. There is almost infinite list of them, ranging from home appliances to industrial production lines. However, in Thailand, for a long time, students and graduated engineers have not been inclined towards taking up study in embedded computing systems as their career aspiration and this leads to the shortage of manpower in this field. A typical illustration is when Intel, the world’s biggest chip manufacturer, invested to build a semiconductor assembly and test facility in Thailand several years ago. At the beginning of the project, Intel set the target to recruit nearly 1,000 local engineers who had basic knowledge in embedded computing systems or chip design for its factory, but by now, after more than 3 years, even when the factory already went on operation, only 40 local engineers have been qualified to join Intel. Intel still has to depend on labor force from other countries, including ASEAN countries for the key positions. The same situations are also happening to other high-tech companies in Thailand.

Major reason for this I presume is the lack of a proper guidance provided to students during their undergraduate study, who later join these companies as professionals. It results from the fact that the number of experts in this area of specialization in Thailand is limited and there is not much emphasis in development of embedded computing system study as an academic field of interest. Students are not made aware how challenging this field is, how fast it is growing and how bright its future prospects are. Moreover, most engineers still keep in thought that embedded computing system is a difficult field of study and they are not confident of being successful in it. Instead of researching and producing by themselves, they prefer to use existing knowledge and products from overseas firms. However, while working in a multi-national ICT corporation, I have realized that if being trained and worked in the appropriate environment, we are fully able to accomplish the high-skilled, intellectual work that we used to think we could not. Recognizing all these reasons, I want to specialize in embedded computing systems and with my knowledge be able to improve the prospects of its study in my country. I have been intrigued by the idea of establishing an organization which gathers talented engineers engaging in R&D activities in embedded computing systems. The organization aims to introduce high quality consultancy services to Thai enterprises, and thereby it will help promote the use of Thai intellectual products. Additionally, this organization will be the place where I and my colleagues can exchange knowledge and learn from each other. I hope to contribute to the efforts of narrowing the gap between my country and the rest of the world in respect of embedded computing systems.

[hillwalker]

A few slight alterations are needed to make this read better :


In recent years, although the ICT industry in my country, Thailand, has been expanding, much of the work just [only] requires low levels of skill such as equipment assembly or software outsourcing. On the contrary, [By contrast] many other fields seem to be forgotten and not much emphasis is placed on them, even [when] they have been recognized as the fundamental areas of specialization. Among all these fields, the field of embedded computing systems is particularly appealed [appealing to] me by [because of] the idea of “intelligent device”, which is any type of equipment, instrument, or machine having its own computing capability. Nowadays, intelligent devices are becoming more and more popular in our life. There is [an] almost infinite list of them, ranging from home appliances to industrial production lines.

[One] Major reason for this I presume is the lack of a proper guidance provided to students during their undergraduate study, who later join these companies as professionals…… Moreover, most engineers still keep in thought [believe] that embedded computing system is a difficult field of study and they are not confident of being successful in it. I have realized that if being trained and worked [after training and working] in the appropriate environment, we are fully able to accomplish the high-skilled, intellectual work that we used to think we could not.

H

[lookyoung80]

Thank you very much for your suggestion.