Need Help with a Shakespearean Sonnet

[zabumafu]

Hello I am new here but so far this place is pretty cool. I currently have a project where I have to write a Shakespearean sonnet; the whole 14 lines, 12 describe a situation and last 2 comment on it, iambic pentameter, the whole jazz. Anyways, my topic is rape and I have to make it semi comical as my teacher is a pervert. I also have to have 10 syllabls for each line which I believe I have but I am having trouble with iambic pentameter. I am new to this so any help would be great!

Here is what I have so far:



A man soon sees a girl inside the bar
He talks to her hoping to win her favor
His friend is waiting for him outside in a car
He needs a place to put his deadly saber

He proceeds to buy them both a beer and a shot
The man then drops a few red pills called roofies
To her, the man now seems a lot more hot
Drunkenly, she agrees to ride with him to Snoopies

She screams as he begins to have his way
No-one, can hear her dire and tearful yell
How can a girl as she become so astray
They pleaded with her so that she would not tell.

To rape is to kill something very sacred
Punished by a life only to be wasted

Thank you so much for your help!

[zabumafu]

anyone?

[YesNo]

A man soon sees a girl inside the bar
He talks to her hoping to win her favor
His friend is waiting for him outside in a car
He needs a place to put his deadly saber


I normally don't write Shakespearean sonnets, but it appears this is a technical exercise, so I will look at it as a puzzle. Assuming it's a puzzle, the iambic pentameter and the rhyme should be perfect to get an A were I grading it. And the content should be interesting.

Rhyme depends on how you say the rhyming words and that varies, but for me "favor" and "saber" don't rhyme, so I would not use them. Don't worry. When you see a technical flaw, this is really an opportunity to make the overall piece better.

Regarding meter, even where the accents fall depends on how you speak the words, but lines 2 and 3 are not purely iambic pentameter at least as I read the words.

The bold syllables are where I would put the accents:

He talks to her hoping to win her favor
His friend is waiting for him outside in a car

Also, I was confused by the message in the last two lines. They do not seem to follow from what was said in the first 12. But you can safely ignore that. Most poetry doesn't make any sense to me.

Anyway, as an example, here's a trial first stanza for the sonnet. I think it follows iambic pentameter and a perfect rhyme and adds names to hopefully give it a more personal touch and thereby make it more interesting. I put the accented syllables in bold. Notice how they alternate.

When Billy found young Lizzie at the bar,
He planned to get her home and in his bed.
When drunk enough, she stumbled to his car.
A perfect knight, he'd "take her home", he said.

Accenting the "at", "in" and "to" requires a little exaggerated pronunciation for me but is not unreasonable.

Others will likely do better. No doubt there are others who will think your version is better than this, and it may well get that A without any changes, so take everything I have said with a grain of salt. I'm not a professional at offering this kind of advice.

[themiddleprince]

The original post was a while ago, so I suspect the sonnet has been handed in and marked by now. Still, like yourself a month ago, Zabumafu, I'm new here and browsing.

Anyway. YesNo gives all the explanation of the technicalities of iambic pentameter that anyone could ever need, so follow his (could be her) advice and get the marks.

Content-wise, I also agree with YesNo that the conclusion doesn't match the message of the previous 12 lines. Actually, the rapists' pleading doesn't fit in either, unless you had referred to them going astray, and then pleading with her for protection / forgiveness. Most of it reads like early LA gangster rap, and keeping that harshness to the end would have been preferable for me.

I think this is worth returning to after the whole handing in and marking part is over. Rape as a theme of poetry has a long history, but the casual comment that this was to please your teacher because they are "a pervert" did actually shock me for a moment (and I do like to be shocked occasionally, so thanks for that). If you're feeling really clever, it would be great if the conclusion was that the rape occurred to give something for a student to write about that would get a decent mark from their pervert teacher. Dare ya...!