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Jack of Hearts
11-30-2010, 03:57 AM
Fall was swapped for snow and desolate pine trees. I would drift away from textbook toward the window of our classroom and whisper some fantastic name; ‘Enceladus’. Often I was reprimanded for idleness but the habit persisted.

Dozers came to shovel snow from the schoolyard. Their efforts amounted to a dirty pile in the middle of the field. The administration failed to keep the children from sliding down that hill so they conceded with a few stipulations. One required that any child playing in snow, hilled by dozers or otherwise, must wear proper clothing to save from getting soaked. My blue jeans were not adequate and I pleaded with my mother to complete my outfit. Always her eyes were patient and distracted, always she encouraged, “Next paycheck.”

The cold was harsh but the children played anyways. Only a few of us weren’t allowed in the snow but we invented games and fought impulses to glance toward the hill. I imagined a small figure atop it, her purple cap a beacon and waving for me. Our blacktop was covered in ice which we kicked and broke into various chunks. These could be seen flying toward the feet of our enemies or sometimes bystanders if enemies weren’t available. We imagined a service was rendered by clearing the ice. Still, our noble work could not drown out my privileged classmates’ laughter and this caused me some degree of agony.

Class concluded in silence and watching the minute hand. I didn’t understand time, how some people never had it and yet I had plenty; it always brought me things I wanted, like Christmas, my mother home from work or the final bell. The face of the clock, tick marks as railroad tracks and the minute hand a steam-sighing train.

The clock glass showed reflections of Elodie. She was delicate - we couldn’t call her Melodie, ‘m’ was too inelegant and coarse. The name Elodie silently flicked against my upper teeth, sometimes switching with ‘Enceladus’. I tilted my head and stole glances. Blonde hair flowed from her cap and her eyes were pale blue. Elodie's smile said that she was loved. She was marked beautiful by it. Sometimes we touched gazes and her's stroked my body like a softly stringed guitar.

At last our teacher caressed between my shoulders. She tucked a wintergreen envelope into my books. “Give this to your mother.”

Alongside our school came a fleet of buses. The engines growled and the smell of exhaust wafted upwards. The uncertainty of the envelope hurt like drowning. Nearness of other people made it hurt worse. There was shame.

A spectacled girl peered at me from the seat ahead. “Hey, Elodie likes you.”

“What?"

“She wants to meet you after piano lessons. Are you gonna come?”

“… I don’t know.”

“You’d better be there!” She turned away.

I walked home from the bus-stop. Neighborhoods were separated by small tree gatherings and if a person knew where to find breaks they could cross between several streets quickly. Children often played in those but none braved that evening 's cold; it was the kind that quietly filled lungs with water.

The green envelope arrived at the kitchen counter. The living room clock looked out upon my mother’s floral sofa- no train, just my reflection and tick-tocks in its glass. I studied my image and tried to imagine what the letter knew. Fear overcame me and I curled into the cushions. Nightmares contorted into spilt liquid and forced past my throat.

Mother’s key grinded the lock and awakened me. Her scent came in first, a blend of leather and cigarettes. Footsteps click-clacked tile and I heard a bottle of wine clink against the countertop.

“Sweetie, what’s this?”

The envelope ripped. The minute hand stuck in place and I suffocated.

“Your teacher says they’re putting you in the hardest English class, with the sixth graders. They want you to do the after-school program!”

Then she sighed away her delight and snarled, “Bull****.”

I stared at me in the clock glass and searched for anything overlooked… I was relieved, exhausted but mostly confused. My mother’s phone conversation brought me back.

“… Yes, I was happy to hear that. But you seemed to, um, think I’m not very involved with his school work. And that’s just not true. I mean -“

The minute hand ticked and time snuck into the room: Elodie!

“Be right back mama!”

She shoulder-hugged the phone and waved, ‘Ok, I’m busy.’

First dusklight had fallen. I ran through tree breaks where snow soaked through my jeans. Elodie's street; warm light spilled from the windows of her house. Across the way I watched and waited and shivered.

After some time the front door opened and illuminated her purple cap. She stepped out of the light and into the street where hues of frozen blue tinted her body. Tree cover hid me and I feasted my eyes like a glutton; the clumsy and graceful child-movements slightly rocking side to side, the swirls of hair against her cheeks and her wide eyes searching. Her smile promised love. Elodie, minute hand of my soul! The roadway was tick marks. She stepped upon the middle line. Visions of a still sealed envelope returned to me and I started drowning again. She must have known. She must have seen the distant figure in the darkness sprinting between tree trunks.

At home I cried into my mother’s embrace; despite my best articulations I was never able to make it understood what, precisely, was hurting.

hillwalker
11-30-2010, 10:32 AM
A poignant story of youthful, unrequited love.

It maintains your flair for capturing a moment in time, rubbing it between your fingers and unravelling it for us all to see and share.

My only criticism would be that in certain places you try too hard to take the long way round when the direct route would be more fitting, and no less eloquent. Sometimes a piece is over-written to the point of self-indulgence and there were one or two points in this story when I was left wishing you had stuck to expressing things in a more straightforward manner instead of trying to impress with awkward turns of phrase.


And I must have lost the thread somewhere in 'Many days class approached its conclusion by long silence and collective observation of the minute hand as it approached the witching hour. These came at the expense of reviewing our science books and rote memorization...' because I'm unable to fathom out who 'These' are meant to be.

You have a very original way with language and much of what you write is very refreshing. But you need to hold back sometimes and think of your readers.

H

hillwalker
12-01-2010, 09:38 AM
Response to edited version :

What a transformation. I love the way you have wisely chosen what to discard, and those little additions show a real touch of style.

'Elodie, the minute hand of my soul' says so much in so few words.

Having the courage to redraft on such a scale has paid off. Great stuff.

H

hillwalker
12-02-2010, 07:58 AM
Mark III is a gentler, more relaxing read.The pace and careful use of metaphor make it a much more reflective, elegant piece; the kind of piece worth reading a second or third time. It's memorable for all the right reasons.

I hope you'll excuse my eagle eye for spotting one error -

Mother’s key grinded the lock and awakened me.

The past tense of 'grind' is 'ground'.

H

Steven Hunley
12-02-2010, 07:38 PM
This was refreshing and a delight to read in so many many ways.

Captain_Kuchiki
12-04-2010, 02:05 PM
Very nice story!

Jack of Hearts
07-23-2012, 10:07 PM
Thanks!





J

Delta40
07-24-2012, 12:09 AM
Lol You've suddenly realized after more than two years that you didn't say 'thanks' to your own post?

Jack of Hearts
07-24-2012, 02:19 AM
Your original reply made it through email notification. It seemed to come from a bad place. Didn't like it one bit. This reader has enjoyed sharing these forums with you and reading your work, but isn't interested in unpleasant exchange. If this is unacceptable to you, then there will be no further interaction between us.








J

Delta40
07-24-2012, 03:26 AM
Your original reply made it through email notification. It seemed to come from a bad place. Didn't like it one bit. This reader has enjoyed sharing these forums with you and reading your work, but isn't interested in unpleasant exchange. If this is unacceptable to you, then there will be no further interaction between us.








J

Fair enough Joh and my apologies for the original post. It isn't unacceptable at all and I trust that I'm under no obligation to provide an explanation for the original post or my reasons for editing it.

Once again, my apologies and I'll take the consequences like a true artist.

Jack of Hearts
07-24-2012, 03:40 AM
Fair enough Joh and my apologies for the original post. It isn't unacceptable at all and I trust that I'm under no obligation to provide an explanation for the original post or my reasons for editing it.

Once again, my apologies and I'll take the consequences like a true artist.

All is well.








J

DocHeart
07-24-2012, 02:01 PM
Well, I'm glad you came back to this one to thank your commentators, Jack, as it gave me a chance to read it.

It's accurate to say I found the writing beautiful, but I'd like to elaborate on this adjective a little. I've experienced many a good read in these fora. Some pieces are powerful, others are funny; others are emotionally penetrative, and others yet are delicious and nourishing food for thought. But some pieces are just beautiful, and I find myself going over them again and again, sometimes almost staring at them, the way one would stare at a photograph of a grinning child and smile.

I understand the story has undergone several revisions. I don't know what the original was like, but what I admire in this one is how beautiful (yep, here's that word again) images, thoughts and concepts are conveyed using the simplest of words and structures:



The face of the clock, tick marks as railroad tracks and the minute hand a steam-sighing train.





Elodie's smile said that she was loved. She was marked beautiful by it. Sometimes we touched gazes and her's stroked my body like a softly stringed guitar.





The uncertainty of the envelope hurt like drowning. Nearness of other people made it hurt worse. There was shame.





Children often played in those but none braved that evening 's cold; it was the kind that quietly filled lungs with water.



Beyond critique, I want to communicate something to you. It may be just me, but having read your more recent stuff (both fiction and poetry), I see a different kind of a writer here. How should I put it? More mellow? Or perhaps just more liberated? I do apologize if this is off the mark. I just thought I'd mention it.

Thanks for sharing, Jack.

Best,
DH

Jack of Hearts
07-24-2012, 05:37 PM
Beyond critique, I want to communicate something to you. It may be just me, but having read your more recent stuff (both fiction and poetry), I see a different kind of a writer here. How should I put it? More mellow? Or perhaps just more liberated? I do apologize if this is off the mark. I just thought I'd mention it.


If you're saying that this piece is in some way superlative to recent work, this reader doesn't know. That's for someone else to decide, maybe. Everything just seems necessary. Even if there was a change in writing style for the worse, it seems necessary now.

Thanks for reading and your kind feedback, Doc. Here's to gettin' free.






J

Elphyon
07-27-2012, 03:57 PM
This was a delight to read. Really enjoyed all the beautifully turned phrases. Almost visionary. Do you write poetry as well?

Having said all that, I'd like to point out that the first-person narrator disrupted my experience of the piece somewhat. He seems far too eloquent for a kid in school. It's not so much that the language is lyrical to a point of indulgence like someone suggested above (which I don't think this is the case--the imagery is thematically consistent), but rather that readers are supposed to believe all of this is coming from a child. I feel as though the story would benefit from either having a third-person narrator or having the same narrator tell it in a retrospective manner.

Best,
MB

Jack of Hearts
07-27-2012, 04:24 PM
This was a delight to read. Really enjoyed all the beautifully turned phrases. Almost visionary. Do you write poetry as well?

Thanks. And nope.






J