Villanelle

[Silas Thorne]

When our adventures end
Like sunny days, in rain,
I'll never call you friend.

For saying we are friends
Will always cause us pain,
When our adventures end.

Though it won't be hard to send
An email to you, Jane,
I'll never call you, friend.

Though this torn heart may mend,
Some passion will remain
When our adventures end.

And thinking through this trend
Makes hopes of friendship vain,
I'll never call you friend.

With time our feelings tend
Like moons to wax and wane,
When our adventures end
I'll never call you friend.

[Hawkman]

Hi Silas, Generally I'm not a fan of the villanelle form, but you have produced a nice tight little poem which presses all the right buttons, at least for me. I like this a lot.

Best, H

[YesNo]

I agree with Hawkman about the villanelle form, but I have tried one or two in the past, though not in trimeter. Actually, I like the shorter line that you use. Usually, I've seen this in pentameter.

As far as the content goes, it looks like the adventures ended before the passion did. If the passion ended before the adventures did, "enemy" rather than "friend" might be more appropriate, but luckily that was not the case.

I enjoyed this!

[firefangled]

Silas,

This has a very natural flow. I too am not fond of villanelles lacking this quality.

I loved the play of the situation in your villanelle, particularly the introduction of recipient, Jane. It adds to the poem, complicates it with one word by making it about the difficulty of male and female friends. Much of it takes on new meaning after that, Very well done.

I would change S2L2 to Will always render painto avoid the word end again.

James Merrill has a similar villanelle called 642719. You might enjoy it.

Thanks, Fire

[Silas Thorne]

Thank you Hawkman, YesNo and Firefangled for your comments! :)

Hawkman: I'm glad that there was something in this villanelle for you. :) It's really an early experiment in the form for me, though I've read a few.

YesNo: Yes, I feel the trimeter and the tetrameter can work well too, and perhaps give more of a songlike quality to this form. Edwin Arlington Robinson wrote one I quite like called 'The House on the Hill', which seems pretty much in trimeter. I'm very happy you enjoy this one though.

Firefangled: Thank you also for your comment on my little poem. This is really an early experiment for me in writing villanelles, and I had hoped that the refrains add something a little different each time. It means a lot to me that they did for you. I'll keep playing with this form. I agree with you that that 'end' should be blasted, but I'm not sure about 'render'. 'Cause us pain' feels a little better to me, do you think that might work instead?
Thanks for telling me about the Merrill poem too. :) I've read 'The World and the Child' but I'll have to search for this one in my local library I think, as I can't find it online. I did find this though, which might be a interesting website for people to check out: http://thevillanelle.blogspot.com/search/label/Introduction%20to%20the%20Villanelle%20Form

[yuka]

thank you Silas from your poem i know villanelle, which i never knew before.
this is a natural and fluent poem, i really love it. thank your for sharing

[Jassy Melson]

The first line in the third stanza prevents this poem from being a villanelle. This line contains seven syllables while all the other lines contain six. The villanelle is a very strict form, and to deviate from the form in any way causes the poem not to be a villanelle.

[hillwalker]

A contemporary love poem which has a light touch and a hint of regret in that final line.

As for the villanelle form - personally I find the repeated rhyme irritating; but I can see your efforts have attracted a number of appreciative comments so all power to your elbow.

H

[Silas Thorne]

Yuka: Thank you for your praise. :)

hillwalker: Thanks for commenting. I wasn't sure if you'd like it, since you are not a big fan of rhyme, and due to it being quite sing-songy I suppose due to the short lines. But anyway, it was an experiment for me, and I was trying something new, and I'm happy that I could get close to the form.

Jassy Melson: Thank you for you looking carefully at my poem. :) While I understand the need to keep the rhythm, I am not sure that having an extra syllable in that line throws it out of the category of a contemporary villanelle (post 1870-ish).
...On second thoughts though, it might be better not to have an extra syllable since the others, as you've mentioned, are all the same length. I'll think of a way to change it.

[AuntShecky]

I appreciate it when writers try to escape the comfortable yoke of free verse in order to try their luck at more formal varieties. As a way of working toward mastering a particular form, in this case the villanelle, it might be helpful to write from models. For instance, the two most famous modern villanelles are "Do Not Go Gentle Into That
Good Night" by Dylan Thomas:

http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/15377

and "One Art" by Elizabeth Bishop
http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/15212

What you could try is to take one of the poems and adapt it to the subject of your choice, substituting part of speech for part of speech. That way the rhyme scheme would be right, as well as the meter (as long as the stresses fall on the appropriate syllables.)

Hope that helps.

Auntie

[Silas Thorne]

Thanks Auntie, I'll try that out!
I'm also a big fan of Wendy Cope's 'Reading Scheme'. :)

[blank|verse]

Good stuff, Silas, this is well crafted and a good villanelle.

Personally, I am a fan of villanelles, there's something attractively song-like in the repetition which also demands the lines are strong enough to bear being repeated, which I think yours do. And I don't have a problem with what metre it's written in. The Scottish poet Robin Robertson has written a looser villanelle with free verse lines and half-rhymed endings ('Fall from Grace' from 'The Wrecking Light' (2010)). 'No Chance of Sunday' by Hugo Williams, from 'Dear Room' (2006) goes one further and loosens the rhyme scheme as well.

I think the short lines work well considering the subject; likewise with the repetition - like the narrator's thoughts on the matter are endlessly running through his head. I wasn't too keen on the word 'adventures', it strikes a somewhat child-like note; and the metre becomes a bit intrusive at times, but not overly so.

So yes, I like villanelles, including this one. Just don't get me started on sestinas... :)

[Scheherazade]

After reading your poem, reminding myself about villanelles and then reading your poem again, I can say that I like this very much. I have no problem with villanelles as a form; and, what's more, you have put together a very good one as well, I believe.

The flow of the poem and "the story" it tells are both strong. The only thing that kept me going back while reading out loud was the repetition of the word "end" in the second stanza.

Also, I do not agree with the use of commas at couple places but that is one of those things that are open to discussion, I think, and does not lessen the poem's effect.

("One Art" is one of my favorite poems.)

[Jerrybaldy]

Hey Silas
I have no idea what a villanelle is and I am not about to find out. I have a dislike for structure. But as I had no idea I was reading such a thing, I really enjoyed your poem. Whether that was the vanilla or whether it was your wonderful choice of words, I am unsure, but I suspect the latter:).
cheers
JerryB

[Silas Thorne]

thanks a lot Scher, JerryBaldy and b/v!
b/v: the word 'adventures' though simple, is something I can't remove from this one. And yes, maybe the metre takes the freedom away at times. I'll do a better one next time.

Scheherazade: what would you suggest with punctuation? The one in the second line should go?

JerryBaldy: Thanks. Actually I think this villanelle is a lot more transparently structured than most modern examples. You might like Hayden Carruth's 'Saturday at the Border' (or might not). http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/saturday-at-the-border/