Butterfly’s Farewell Speech

[yuka]

Perhaps I would then have gone
just like when I came, in silence

I will take away some black flowers
The wind will clean up the road
The rain will sprinkle fresh color for grass
Again along the deserted road people will walk

If you by chance see a butterfly
after the rain dancing in the sunlight
Don’t disturb her please
Peaceful happiness

since english is not my native language, more or less perhaps i had made some mistake in my this poem, so, any constructive advice will be very welcome. thank you :angel:

[hillwalker]

A remarkably beautiful poem - about the value of even the most ephemeral things.

Personally I would consider removing the final line - the reader is capable of reaching their own 'peaceful happiness' without needing this signpost.

And as for your use of the English language - you show a very graceful touch. Thank you for sharing this gem.

H

[yuka]

thank you hillwalker, for your high comment. i am really so appreciated and encouraged. after reading your words, i thought over and over again about the final paragraph, at last i still reckoned the final line can't be removed,. if removed it, seems will destroyed the whole integrality of the final paragraph. what if i put the final two lines into one line:

Perhaps I would then have gone
just like when I came, in silence

I will take away some black flowers
The wind will clean up the road
The rain will sprinkle fresh color for grass
Again along the deserted road people will walk

If you by chance see a butterfly
after the rain, dancing in the sunlight
Please don’t disturb her peaceful happiness.


will there be any changes in your eyes? still hope get some other different advice.:)

[hillwalker]

This is an improvement - the last two lines work better as a single one the way you have written it here.

H

[Haunted]

Love those black flowers. Very well done.

[Delta40]

I like the use of black flowers and the seasons as it makes the sight of the butterfly all the more resplendent and raises the readers sense of hope.

nicely done.

[Silas Thorne]

I really like this :) I'll just make a quick comment for now. I think that more punctuation might help here :
(this is just a suggestion by the way)

If you by chance see a butterfly
after the rain, dancing in the sunlight,
please don’t disturb her peaceful happiness.

[yuka]

This is an improvement - the last two lines work better as a single one the way you have written it here.

H

thank you, hillwalker, for your agreement :)

[yuka]

Love those black flowers. Very well done.

thank you for your kind words. Haunted, :) good day

[yuka]

I like the use of black flowers and the seasons as it makes the sight of the butterfly all the more resplendent and raises the readers sense of hope.

nicely done.

thankyou Delta, for your lovely comments.

[yuka]

I really like this :) I'll just make a quick comment for now. I think that more punctuation might help here :
(this is just a suggestion by the way)

If you by chance see a butterfly
after the rain, dancing in the sunlight,
please don’t disturb her peaceful happiness.

Silas, i like your punctuation suggestion. especially the L2:

after the rain, dancing in the sunlight
----feel more poetic :)

i'll update the post. 1 commas in L2, 1 full stop for final line. thank you