Something to build on

[Deriath]

I have a basic idea for a poem. if it interests you, then please offer you advice and maybe some changes to see if I can bring out the true expression of this. all corrections are welcome.

I don't know what to call it yet either so if you have any ideas that'd be great too.




Have you seen it?

just barely a lifetime ago

there was no question of light's extistence

because it shined everyday

no concern of lost

it was excepted as the natural passage

and no contemplation of his soul's destruction

because it will be there forever

but now the good of all has completed it's whaining cycle

and the world falls into the grey

time has lost it'self

and the red and gold leaves flow heavily

as we are still searching through their ever dragging heat.

the burned will laugh at his plight

the dead will cry tears of regret

and the living will never know that he existed

but as long as she's still is here

in this universe

his ghost will find her

and ignorance will finally be restored

leading to a morning of dreams

and nights of visions

a true fantacy of rain will quench the leaves to be green once again.

and god will laugh out of irony for us all

it's a delusion that will never die in his eyes

therefore, he is immortal

[jajdude]

I'll just mention mistakes I noticed...


there was no question of light's extistence (existence)

because it shined everyday (shone every day)

no concern of lost (being lost --or some other word before lost might help)

it was excepted as the natural passage (accepted)

but now the good of all has completed it's whaining cycle (its waning)

time has lost it'self (itself)

but as long as she's still is here (she is still is ?--omit "is")

a true fantacy of rain will quench the leaves to be green once again. (fantasy)

[hillwalker]

I’m still not sure why you have posted this as the ‘basic idea’ for a poem instead of calling it the first draft of a poem – since that’s what you have here.

The ‘basic idea’ is the subject matter – the sun abandoning the world then reappearing (through seasonal changes I’m guessing).

But there’s a lot of muddled thinking – as well as the reference to god being immortal (who knows where that idea came from?) we have this line

his ghost will find her

who is he (‘his soul’s destruction’ and ‘his plight’)? and who is she (‘she’s still here’)?

also

ignorance will finally be restored

is the complete opposite of what the reader would expect – surely the whole point of the poem is that the knowledge of ‘light’s existence’ will be restored come the spring rather than its ignorance???

What you need to do first of all is clarify what this poem is supposed to be about – then let it flow out of your pen.

As well as the grammatical errors highlighted by jajdude this can easily be trimmed without weakening the piece.

The first verse grabs the attention, but needs tightening up; something along the lines of:


Have you seen it?
Barely a lifetime ago
there was no question of light's existence
no concern for its loss
no contemplation of its destruction
because it will be here forever.

Then things get very muddled – what is ‘the good of all’ and how can ‘time’ lose itself? How did we move from ‘light’ to ‘time’?

The only interpretation I can make is that summer has gone, the leaves are changing colour and the grey mists of winter are closing in. Perhaps in this instance an endless winter of the spirit as well as of nature. But spelling it out in the rather half-baked way you have done here means the reader is not going to make much sense of things.

The best I can come up with is


Now the seasons have reached their waning cycle
the world falls into the grey
time reflects upon itself
as the red and gold leaves flow heavily
and we search through their dragging heat.
The burned will laugh
the dead will cry tears of regret
and the living will forget he existed.

There is not much that can be salvaged from the final section since most of it makes no sense, but there are one or two lines or phrases that are worth recycling:

‘morning of dreams’ / ‘night of visions’ / ‘rain will quench the leaves to green once again’

These can be refashioned perhaps into a concluding verse where the sun reappears (and perhaps the light of god if indeed that image rocks your boat).

Overall you have pictured the change of seasons with a poet’s eye but plastered the images together a little crudely. In trying to write something deep and meaningful you have only succeeded in overwhelming the reader in tangled metaphor.
Keep things simple and I’m sure you can create a much more memorable piece.

H

[Deriath]

Thank you for your corrections, I'm glad you pointed these things out. I will try it again to fit it all into a proper meaning.

The general idea of the poem was to express the loss of something of true value, and the determination of an individual to find it again.

"it's a delusion that will never die in his eyes

therefore, he is immortal"

I've hoped to express the persistance of the individual who is searching for what is lost, kind of a way of showing even death won't stop this person.



"his ghost will find her

and ignorance will finally be restored"

The ghost is a expression of limbo (a lot of religions say a "ghost" is a soul that is stuck between heaven and hell due to attachments that they cannot let go of on earth, or the universe in this matter). The "ignorance" goes along with a simple saying "ignorance is bliss". the lack of knowledge or so to say worries is what can be considered a way of happiness, so reading into that a bit deeper will lead people to understand that ,under this individuals point of view, his "bliss" will be restored.

"and the world falls into the grey

time has lost it'self"

the world falls into darkness and due to our planet's orbit, time seems to not fit the pattern like we are used to, simple things like rolling back an our on the clock knocks off a lot of people's schedual and sleeping patterns. thus it feels like "time has lost it'self".

as for he/she/him/her is a vague direction that I went along with to express a love lost through death or some other method between a man and a woman.



to connect it with the seasons was honestly a fluke but the more I read it, the more I see your point.

I know that this is half baked, thats why I am thankful that you would take time out to show me the key areas that are lacking. It was all out of emotion more than anything else, I just hope that this website will help me bring out that emotion to be viewed as a proper art that everyone will understand. so once again, thank you.

[hillwalker]

I just hope that this website will help me bring out that emotion to be viewed as a proper art that everyone will understand. so once again, thank you.

Trust me, it will.

H

[jajdude]

Hill made some very good comments which should help you improve this poem. Looking over it again I think perhaps it could be broken up into stanzas. Not exactly sure how. You have 26 lines, which could be made into fewer perhaps, or broken into stanza with lines numbering such as 4/4/5/3/4/2/4 -- just one suggestion. Other ways are of course also possible. Punctuation too might strengthen the poem.