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juhuulian
11-25-2010, 09:23 AM
We had to come up with an opening line and then follow up with a short story for class. I welcome criticism!

I stumbled over the old bible on the floor and grabbed my new gun. It felt warm in my hand. Reliable like an old friend. A friend who could punch a fist-sized hole into a person from 50 yards.
There was a furious knocking on the door made somehow ludicrous by the pompous voice that shouted:
„Come out with youre hands on youre head!“
I paused bemusedly, wondering what he would say next when I inevitably would not come out with my hands on my head. Perhaps another cliche? The gun was heavy in my hand.
„We know youre in there Gabriel! We can do this the easy or the hard way!“
Why would they tell me that they knew I was in here? Wasn't it obvious that I was in here when they had just followed me up here? Never reason with the retards from the police and their logic.
Then I smiled, raised my gun, shouted „the hard way please.“ and pulled the trigger at the place behind the door from which the policeman was shouting.
I watched with fascination as a red rose grew and blossomed through the fist-sized hole in the door. Then the rose withered and disseminated into a million glistening red pearls which fell like rain all around me creating little red puddles. I have always been strangely fascinated by blood. It was the elixir of life and yet we always associate it with death and suffering.
I fell down on my knees and closed my eyes.
„O gracious Lord have mercy on my soul for I have sinned again. Thou hath sendeth me to earth to deliver though holy and righteous justice unto the heathens and the ungodly. Like a pure and untainted avenger have I smote thine enemies. 18 souls, rife with satan's curse, have I sendeth to thee to be judged. I have sent a message to all the heathens now they tremble in fear and rightly so, leading their life of sin and vice. Now it is time for thy messenger to return to his place at thy side for my reward of eternal bliss.“
With that I placed the gun into my mouth, fixed my eyes serenely on the picture of our Lord and saviour and with a flash and a bang splattered the wall behind me red.

MANICHAEAN
11-25-2010, 01:13 PM
juhuulian
When I started reading this piece I thought " God give me strength!" Then it opened up & got my attention. The switch to the religious pulled me in & "bang" the ending was a darling. I checked out your profile & saw your appreciation of Flann O'Brien & "The Third Policeman". Then I percieved some of the background to your work. Enjoyed it. Thanks.
Best regards
M.

juhuulian
11-29-2010, 08:18 AM
Cheers for that...i have to hand this in to my lecturer in a few days so its good to have some positive feedback especially as something like that can easily go wrong. The Flann O,Brien what can I say. Im studying at University College Dublin and he is one of the reasons for choosing that university.
So thanks again.