MANICHAEAN
11-25-2010, 02:10 AM
THESE DOCTORS ARE A STRANGE LOT!
“How’s your water works?”
Just how is one expected to answer a question like that? Perhaps it’s better to adopt the mode of the confessional.
“Bless me Doctor, for I have sinned. I had to go three times during the night.”
“Is that normal for you?” (If you have had six pints of beer the night before, so would you!)
It’s amazing how doctors can ask you all sorts of questions, albeit diplomatically, but they never ask you “How is your sex life?” No, they want you to ask them that one and they want to see you squirm. “Doc could you—I mean – not that there’s anything wrong with me, but a kick start prescription you understand, Viagra or ciallis I’m told is quite good?”
It was the time for my annual, very expensive, private check up in Harley Street.
“Any problems since I saw you last time?” Dr Ravi asked.
“Yes, they took my gall bladder out in the Middle East & I fractured a toe when I kicked a coffee table in bare feet.”
“Ummph. Better get that put down on the computer.” He looked a bit miffed, that he had missed out on two opportunities
“Get your shirt off & let’s listen to your heart.”
Stethoscope applied. “Not much wrong there,” he said.
“Ok. Let’s check your blood pressure.”
Once again fine 120/80.
“Yes, the South African doctor in Canada found just the right cocktail of drugs to keep that well under control.” I ventured.
He looked annoyed again and changed tack.
“What about your alcohol intake? Small, medium or high would you say?”
“Medium.” I proffered.
“What do you call medium?” he counterattacked.
“Oh, about three vodka & tonics a night.” I offered casually, sensing the trap.
“Singles or doubles?”
I knew by then that he was determined to pin me anyway, so I played a straight bat. “Why doubles of course, you can’t taste them otherwise!”
Naturally, I got the lecture regards World Health guidelines, liver damage etc etc. He looked more relaxed.
“How about long term assisted care?” he concluded. “Any plans? Some good residential care homes in Surrey I can recommend. Private of course.” How could I break it to him that when the time came to retire it would be to a condo in Rio married to a samba dancer. Now that’s what I call care!
A week later before I returned back overseas, he rang me with the results of the blood & urine results.
“Everything seems fine” he said and then went on about white blood cell counts and other items of mystery which I did not understand. “But the cholesterol has risen from 4.5 to 5.5 over a year. This was followed by something about precursor molecules in various metabolic pathways and then he cut to the chase. “So, as you refuse to take the Lipitor I prescribed before, the only other alternative is that you get down that spare tyre around your belly. I want to see you next time a lot thinner. It’s not good for the heart. If you were staying in the UK I could have recommended a health farm where they guarantee to lose you 10 kilos in two weeks.”
“Most probably run by Kim Jong-il, from North Korea” I thought.
So anyway, here we are back at work and another year to go before the next medical. “Ouch. Is that a pain in my side? Better get hold of Dr loki456 on Lit Net Forums to request an online consultation!”
“How’s your water works?”
Just how is one expected to answer a question like that? Perhaps it’s better to adopt the mode of the confessional.
“Bless me Doctor, for I have sinned. I had to go three times during the night.”
“Is that normal for you?” (If you have had six pints of beer the night before, so would you!)
It’s amazing how doctors can ask you all sorts of questions, albeit diplomatically, but they never ask you “How is your sex life?” No, they want you to ask them that one and they want to see you squirm. “Doc could you—I mean – not that there’s anything wrong with me, but a kick start prescription you understand, Viagra or ciallis I’m told is quite good?”
It was the time for my annual, very expensive, private check up in Harley Street.
“Any problems since I saw you last time?” Dr Ravi asked.
“Yes, they took my gall bladder out in the Middle East & I fractured a toe when I kicked a coffee table in bare feet.”
“Ummph. Better get that put down on the computer.” He looked a bit miffed, that he had missed out on two opportunities
“Get your shirt off & let’s listen to your heart.”
Stethoscope applied. “Not much wrong there,” he said.
“Ok. Let’s check your blood pressure.”
Once again fine 120/80.
“Yes, the South African doctor in Canada found just the right cocktail of drugs to keep that well under control.” I ventured.
He looked annoyed again and changed tack.
“What about your alcohol intake? Small, medium or high would you say?”
“Medium.” I proffered.
“What do you call medium?” he counterattacked.
“Oh, about three vodka & tonics a night.” I offered casually, sensing the trap.
“Singles or doubles?”
I knew by then that he was determined to pin me anyway, so I played a straight bat. “Why doubles of course, you can’t taste them otherwise!”
Naturally, I got the lecture regards World Health guidelines, liver damage etc etc. He looked more relaxed.
“How about long term assisted care?” he concluded. “Any plans? Some good residential care homes in Surrey I can recommend. Private of course.” How could I break it to him that when the time came to retire it would be to a condo in Rio married to a samba dancer. Now that’s what I call care!
A week later before I returned back overseas, he rang me with the results of the blood & urine results.
“Everything seems fine” he said and then went on about white blood cell counts and other items of mystery which I did not understand. “But the cholesterol has risen from 4.5 to 5.5 over a year. This was followed by something about precursor molecules in various metabolic pathways and then he cut to the chase. “So, as you refuse to take the Lipitor I prescribed before, the only other alternative is that you get down that spare tyre around your belly. I want to see you next time a lot thinner. It’s not good for the heart. If you were staying in the UK I could have recommended a health farm where they guarantee to lose you 10 kilos in two weeks.”
“Most probably run by Kim Jong-il, from North Korea” I thought.
So anyway, here we are back at work and another year to go before the next medical. “Ouch. Is that a pain in my side? Better get hold of Dr loki456 on Lit Net Forums to request an online consultation!”