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myawho
11-23-2010, 09:07 AM
"...So if there is ever a feeling of remorse or a sense of good will, it will never matter again. Not with you and not with me. It is time now I start what I was sent here to do."

Mohavais finished his notes and closed his journal. He sat; He sat under an awning in the pouring rain, saddened by the daunting task sent to him by life itself. Lindsey was Mohavais’s only reason to hesitate. He could remember the old days when Lindsey and Joseph (Mohavais’s name at the time) would sit in music room 5 of his high school and play piano together. Joseph soon fell in love with Lindsey’s beautiful music, but Lindsey was oblivious. But then, Mohavais (Joseph’s new name, sent to him by fate) started his task.
Lindsey walked down the streets under an umbrella. She noticed Mohavais sitting helplessly under the awning, seemingly waiting for the rain to stop, then Mohavais spoke, “It’s good to see you.” He said with a fake smile. This was the only time he couldn’t be more horrified to see her stand in front of him. He secretly wished for her to carry on without him but she stuck around for the response of, “Why are you out here all alone like this? Come on, there’s room under here. Walk with me.” Mohavais got up from his damp and dirty sidewalk and hurried under Lindsey’s umbrella. They walked a ways down the street, soon through the main roads, and then they reached the end of town to the ocean where the old lighthouse stood tall.
The rain grew more intense and the clouds grew darker; Mohavais knew the reason of this but Lindsey was, as always, oblivious. “Let’s go in Lindsey.” Said Mohavais. They both ran for the shelter of the lighthouse. When they reached the inside and closed the heavy door behind them they noticed an old, run down, grand piano. “Wow, what a find.” Said Lindsey happily. “Let’s play together, Lindsey.” Said Mohavais. They both sat on the small piano bench together and Lindsey started with a melodic base part for Mohavais to improvise to. Mohavais grew teary eyed but hid it with a smile and a wonderful timing of melodies. All were happy melodies: for Mohavais wanted to be happy himself.
After about half an hour of piano playing Lindsey stopped abruptly. Mohavais looked at her with concern. “Playing together like this… makes me feel warm inside. Just me and you without any class mates waiting to use the piano. It just feels right.” Mohavais blushed and responded. “Lindsey, I knew this piano was here.” Lindsey wrinkled her forehead, but Mohavais continued, “I wanted to play piano with you one last time before…” His words trailed off into nothing. “Before?...” Lindsey asked.
“Before I end things.”
As oblivious Lindsey was, she started playing with the piano keys, “End things?”
Mohavais slightly nodded, “All things.. Look, I just wanted to hear those words from you. Before we leave I just wanted to play the piano with you. That’s all I ever wanted.”
“You’re ending all things? What’s that mean?”
“Our population was ignorant. I was sent here to end it.”
“Why does it need to end?” Lindsey thought he was talking about their relationship but she could never be more wrong.
“Our bodies are on hold, and our souls are on the snooze alarm.”
Lindsey stopped playing random notes, “What exactly are you ending?”
“Life.” Mohavais said sharply.
A sudden burst of wind exhaled, sending pieces of the lighthouse tumbling inside. Rain slapped the two and splashes from the ocean below drenched them. They were soon finding themselves sliding off the cliff that once had the lighthouse stand tall.
“Joseph! Why are you doing this?! I hate you!”
Mohavais started to cry to himself, “Please don’t say that.” He said. Mohavais gave Lindsey a push and with that she found herself helplessly dangling over sharp rocks in the ocean below. He pulled a knife and gashed her fingers and she let go.

Later Mohavais wrote in his journal again, “So this is what it came to,” he started, “I don’t know what exactly told me to do it or what game me my new name, but I obeyed it, and I hope it was worth it. I certainly hope I’m not just crazy…” He shut his journal and his life continued on without Lindsey. Joseph changed to Mohavais, and Mohavais will soon change to Gulimka: which is the one who gave orders in the beginning.


****

Okay, you may not understand the ending to this very well because this is only a back story for one of my characters from a book i'm writing called Gulemidy.

MANICHAEAN
11-23-2010, 10:25 AM
Loved the early part. Good atmosphere, characters, feeling and sensitivity in your use of words. Then you lost me & I was struggling. Most probably my own fault, but there was so much there at the end, (and I think you realised), that you had to flesh out & explain.
Thanks for sharing though. An interesting read.
Best regards
M.

hillwalker
11-23-2010, 12:26 PM
It was an intriguing read - but contained too much incomprehensible background (ok - it's part of a novel so more might be explained in the full draft, but as it stands this asks more questions than it answers).

I found the nonsense about his old name and his new name pointless and distracting. This would be a much more memorable piece of writing without that, but I'm guessing it's an integral part of the novel. I also found the discovery of a grand piano in the lighthouse extremely hard to swallow.

In terms of style/structure, it's the dialogue that needs tidying up the most.
Parts of this were very difficult to follow because more than one speaker's lines appear in the same paragraph. Not just for grammatical correctness but also to help the reader follow who said what, each speaker's dialogue should begin in a new paragraph (rather like the way each character's lines are separated in a play) regardless of how long the speech itself is.

Other than that you write well and were able to grab the reader's attention right from the start - it's the plot that needs more attention and fleshing out.

good luck

H

myawho
11-23-2010, 05:26 PM
It was an intriguing read - but contained too much incomprehensible background (ok - it's part of a novel so more might be explained in the full draft, but as it stands this asks more questions than it answers).

I found the nonsense about his old name and his new name pointless and distracting. This would be a much more memorable piece of writing without that, but I'm guessing it's an integral part of the novel. I also found the discovery of a grand piano in the lighthouse extremely hard to swallow.

In terms of style/structure, it's the dialogue that needs tidying up the most.
Parts of this were very difficult to follow because more than one speaker's lines appear in the same paragraph. Not just for grammatical correctness but also to help the reader follow who said what, each speaker's dialogue should begin in a new paragraph (rather like the way each character's lines are separated in a play) regardless of how long the speech itself is.

Other than that you write well and were able to grab the reader's attention right from the start - it's the plot that needs more attention and fleshing out.

good luck

H
The name changes are pretty important in the actual book. the piano was not a discovery, again, Lindsey was oblivious. Mohavias put the piano there cause he knew that the lighthouse was near collapse.

hillwalker
11-23-2010, 05:42 PM
The name changes are pretty important in the actual book.

As I guessed - but they are irrelevant in this short story which is presumably just a taster for the novel. And I assume the reasons for the name change would be covered in the novel in more detail prior to this incident so you would not be repeating the history of the names he was given the way you do here?

H